Lately a girl at my work has been gibbering excitedly about the coming of the end of the world. She apparently quite thoroughly believes in Nostradamus’ predictions, and alledgedly the world is going to end on the 29th of May or something. I think that’s a Saturday. (Wouldn’t it be apt if the world ended during Hey Hey It’s Saturday?) Does this supposed event of Armageddon cancel out my Satanic curse (see Sunday 21st March entry)? I guess so.
So here’s this girl, ranting and raving about how the world’s going to end, bla bla bla, trying to scare people. So I ask her “Will you spend every single cent of money you have on your “last day” on earth?” She says ‘Ummm…. no.’ I say, will you do something outrageous that you’ve always wanted to do? Will you run around the street naked? Will you tell your boss you bet he has a really small penis? Will you watch Totally Full Frontal and actually tell someone? Of course, she says ‘No.’ So I’m gonna have a right laugh at her on the first of June. I’m quite looking forward to it, in fact. And I win in both instances, because if we all live I get to laugh at her, and if we all die, well, she wouldn’t have known that we’d all died because it’d be over so quickly anyway.
Last night my work had a function thing with some big knobs in management. It was fairly boring, but coz it ended so late they paid for me to get a cab home. Which would have been absolutely fine, except I had possibly the worst ever taxi driver in Melbourne. His only solitary words of conversation were “I like green things.” (?!) And whenever I directed him somewhere, eg, turn left here please, he’d just pull over and say ‘That’ll be (insert figure of money here) tankyoo’. Even when I started to try and generate some conversation he pulled over! We pulled over 4 times, I kid you not.
Then I got home and went straight to bed. After a while I heard my flatmate making some odd pounding sounds in the living room, which drew my suspicions. I found him kicking furniture, because he’s been watching a whole series of Manga (Japanese cartoons) at the moment, and he thought that he had hired video number 24 in a 24 part series, and thought he’d finally see the end. Then he found out after he’d watched it, that it was actually a 25 part series. He went so far as to proclaim he was going to walk the 30 minutes to the video shop to hire the next episode, but I talked sense into him.
I made a rare trip to McDonalds today, why, I don’t even know. I only went in to get a choc chip muffin. I had my heart set on a choc chip muffin. So I order a choc chip muffin, and the dweeb gives me a blueberry muffin. Which I only find out after I’ve walked 5 minutes away from the stupid place. So back I go, and ask to swap it for a choc chip one please. Back I trot down the road, and what do you know. I’ve got another blueberry muffin. I go back AGAIN, ask for a CHOC CHIP MUFFIN THANK YOU VERY MUCH (politely though very gritted teeth), get another one given to me, and I check it on the spot. What do you think I had? A fucking blue berry muffin. So I asked for my McFucking McMoney McBack. And I got it McBack.
Here’s a quote from a book I’m reading right now, ‘Kindling Does For Firewood’. Quite funny, and the bloke in it thinks like I do. Eg: “It’s fucked. It’s like.. you know, kind of like, you think about colours, and you think blue, red, yellow, green. And then you think, ‘Who the fuck are you green? You’re just yellow and blue. Piss off back to the little league with purple and orange.’ But it is up on those colours. It’s a major colour and yet it’s not”. I love that stupid stuff. Directly following the colours spiel is: “It’s like rectangles. You think square, circle, rectangle, triangle. And then you think “Hey rectangle. You fucking top quality shape wannabe. Piss off.”
If you find that funny, you’ve got a sense of humour like mine. If not, then you’re probably a normal functioning member of society.