Things You Don’t Want To Hear While You’re Having Morning Tea #92:
Ant: Oh, I was so sick on Saturday with a hangover, I think I threw up my stomach lining. It wasn’t even the color of anything I’d eaten, it was like khaki green.
Ant has this habit of assuming whenever you have a hangover, that you also have alcohol poisoning. Worrywart. (Although he’s convinced me I’ve had alcohol poisoning twice).
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I’m just about to get my tax return – finally – and I just realised that most of it will be going towards that bloody ambulance bill I’m sure to get in the mail in the next few days.
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My sister is about to go for her P plates. We had this conversation this morning:
My mum: Don’t forget to go and buy one of those booklets that tells you all the road rules.
My sister: Why? I’m just using the book we’ve already got.
My mum: I think some of the road rules have changed.
Me: Like what? Are we driving on the other side of the road now?
My mum: Yes. Bwahahahahahahahhahaha.
Me: Hmm.
My mum: I was only joking. You know I was only joking, don’t you?
Me: Oh my God. How stupid do you think I am?
I need to move out of home. Real, real soon.
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At work I share my cubicle with someone who’ll be known only as Ms. J, but she rocks. I’m glad I sit with her, the other people around us are a bit… weird and distant. My mate Ant isn’t sitting close enough to talk to, but he’s just the right distance away to throw stationary at. He knows I don’t dare do it though, seeing as our team leader sits close to him and I would probably hit her, knowing my crap aim.
Ms. J and I have decided the best thing to put in the huge empty cupboard between our desks would be a Mini-Bar.
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We only officially started taking calls today. We’ve been in training for the past month (we are all on a contract until the end of January), but we’re just not getting enough calls. They’ll probably let us go soon. I have to wait around 30 to 40 minutes in between each call. Work’s starting to get monotonous, eg:
* Eat pretzel
* Read paragraph of book
* Take sip of Coke
* Repeat forty times then take a phone call
The worst thing is, we won’t even be able to get references if we leave the job this week. All we’ve done is the training. I can see it now: “He was very attentive in the training, and he listened lots. He was very quiet and didn’t throw chairs at us.”
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At home, I park my car underneath this big bush that’s just starting to blossom with these little pink flowers. These flowers completely cover my car overnight, and every morning when I drive off to work, these little flowers fly off behind me like I’m on my own little float in Mardi Gras. I normally wouldn’t care because the flowers would usually have flown off pretty quickly, but these buggers seem to have good gripping powers. I’m still driving up the highway to Geelong and these bloody pink flowers are still trailing behind me. I guess my car has gone homophobic and turned against me or something.
What I should do is do the opposite of flowers. I should get a pile of dead leaves and mud and plonk it on the top of my car and hoon in to work with that. People will see a load of crap coming off my car every morning and think, ‘Yep, definitely not a Mardi Gras candidate’.