Ms. J, who I sit next to at work, has discovered my Game Boy, and now sits glued to the thing all day. It’s a bit suspicious though, because the game she plays the most is Pokemon Pinball, which has a built-in feature which makes the Game Boy vibrate when you hit something in the game. Her screams of delight each time it vibrates are quite worrying.
Ms J. is currently a bit behind with her rent, she tells me. As in 1 month and 3 weeks behind. She calls herself a “Rent Rebel”. Need I say more? I mean, we’re talking about someone who tries to debate with me over things like if Coke from a bottle and Coke from a can taste different.
Ms. J’s family owns a video store, so she does quite a bit of work there on the weekend and after hours. She was telling me about her old boyfriends, and how she deleted their records from her video store’s computer system when they split up. Now that is revenge. No videotape entertainment for you, ya bastard…
*****
This Wednesday night will feature the brightest, biggest full moon in more than 100 years. If you’re looking for a good excuse to rape and pillage, this is it…
*****
Because Ms. J plays my Game Boy so much I have to keep replacing the batteries. She’s also keeping an eye on me eating munchies all day, because I’m going to get fat soon if I’m not careful. I’m definitely putting on weight around my stomach, I’m not fat (yet) but I can tell if I keep going on like this I’ll get a bit of a belly. So as soon as Ms. J thinks I’m eating something, she attacks me. Eg:
Me: (reaches into backpack)
Ms. J (suspicions aroused): What are you getting out of there?
Me: Nothing.
(crinkling sound emits from backpack)
Ms. J: You’re fucking getting something to eat out of there, aren’t you! You shouldn’t be eating that crap!
Me (pulling crinkly-sound item out of bag): Ohhhhh, but heavy-duty Eveready batteries are soooo tasty…
Ms. J really makes me laugh sometimes. She reads Cosomopolitan all day (and continuously tries to tell me that no, it’s different than Dolly, this one is for older women, no honest), and this morning our team leader was talking with us at our cubicle. Ms. J was just flicking through the pages of her mag while looking at our leader, and after a while she just stopped flicking through and left the magazine open on her desk. Our team leader sort of looked around awkwardly and ended the conversation suddenly. I was the first to notice that the page Ms. J had left the magazine open at featured ‘The Top Ten Best Sexual Positions For You and Your Lover’.
*****
I’ve decided that I’m going to start lifting weights and stuff. I’m sick of being a stick figure man, so I’m going into Rebel Sport sometime soon to have a look at their weights and stuff. When I told my mum about this, she reckoned I could just use bricks instead of weights (“they’re just as heavy, and we’ve got a fair few down in the garage”), but I think I’ll opt for the conventional method. So the plan is:
December 1999: Skinny Jeb
March 2000: Muscle Jeb
Well, maybe not Muscle Jeb, but at least not-quite-so-stick-figure Jeb. I really am very skinny, in the top part of my body anyway. My leg muscles are ok, but I’m hoping I don’t over-build-up the top half of my body, because then I’ll just be going from Stick Figure Jeb to Badly Drawn Stick Figure Jeb.
I’ve also decided I’m going to get a decent tan. I’ll try and accomplish this mostly at the beach, but Ms. J has talked me into giving a solarium a shot. I went to one this evening and didn’t really enjoy the experience, the guy was very pushy and just tried to keep selling me stuff I wasn’t interested in. But there was one thing that made me laugh:
Guy with skin that’s prematurely aged by 80 years: OK, this is the tanning bed, you just press this button on the wall to start it…
Me: Um, ok…
Guy with skin that’s prematurely aged by 80 years: And here we have paper towels and deodorant if you need them.
Me: Ok, cool.
Guy with skin that’s prematurely aged by 80 years: You should put some sunscreen on any parts of your body that are sensitive to sunburn, like your lips, and, your, uh… uh…. (points at his nipples)
Me: What?
Guy with skin that’s prematurely aged by 80 years: Umm… (cough) you know.. um….
Me: My nipples?
Guy with skin that’s prematurely aged by 80 years: (deep blush) Ummm… umm… uhh… yeah..Every afternoon on my way home I have to drive past the Grovedale Pub. Every year out the front of the drive-through bottle shop they have this real dero looking Santa stumbling around up and down the pavement next to the highway and waving at all the cars that go past. I swear he’s sampling the goods that are for sale.