Things To Not Get Excited About In The New Millenium #851:
‘Sale of the Century’ is changing its name to ‘Sale of the New Century’. Believe it or not. Apparently the whole show is getting an enormous make over (this includes Glen Ridge’s hair, which is approaching Ray Martin status).
I still maintain my theory that the Apocalypse will begin during the ad break of the 666th episode of ‘Catchphrase’. Baby John Burgess is the devil, he is, he is….
*****
This is how bored I get at work: today I worked out how many presents you would end up with if someone gave you all the presents in the song ‘The Twelve Days Of Christmas’ – 354 presents. A lot of useless crap, but a very interesting garage sale…
*****
Ms. J has been telling me all about her solarium adventures. Turns out she leads a bit of a double life – after work she heads straight off to the solarium, and she talks about it to me like it’s a dirty little secret. I suggested that she opened up her own solarium:
Me: If you want a really profitable solarium, just ignore the health guidelines.
Ms. J: Like what?
Me: Well, you’re only supposed to go to the solarium once every three days or something, aren’t you? Just tell people they can come back twice a day or something if they want a good tan.
Ms. J: Yeah… hehe… that could be good… I’d just chuck people in solarium beds for twice the time they should really be in there so I could make more money. I’d be like ‘Get in there, and burn, burn, burn, burn!’
*****
Today, Monowoman (the woman who sits next to me and has a monotone for every occasion) walked past Ant in the morning:
Monowoman: Ohhh, you look sad. What’s wrong?
Half-woken-up Ant: Mmmmmrgh?
Monowoman: Cheer up Charlie.
Half-woken-up Ant: Mmmmwodafug?
Monowoman: You should smile once in a while.
Half-woken-up Ant: I’m just tired.
Monowoman: (patronisation central) Ohhhh, of course.
You know how I keep saying we have nothing to do most of the day at work? In the afternoon, Monowoman gave Ant this giant A3 piece of paper with a sad face on one side and a smiley face on the other. Underneath this, she wrote ‘Looking at this picture should make you smile. If not, well at least I tried’. She spent all day working on the thing. Ant’s only got it stuck up to be polite, but it’s only going to be a matter of time before he goes insane from those bloody faces grinning and frowning at him all day.
*****
You know how everyone’s bickering over when the millenium actually begins? Imagine how much all the geeks at CSIRO would be squabbling:
CSIRO Scientist Geek #1: The new millenium? That’s when the sun rises over New Zealand on January 1, 2000.
CSIRO Scientist Geek #2: No, you idiot. It’s when the sun passes over the international date line on January 1, 2001.
CSIRO Scientist Geek #3: NO! It’s when the sun rises on January 1, 2001, from whever you are standing at the time!
Troublemaking CSIRO Scientist Geek #4: (throws chair and starts riot)
*****
One of the girls at work, for some reason, is giving me dirty looks. I haven’t done anything to her, I dont even speak to her. I even went out of my way to smile at her when I walked past but all that was returned was visual manure.
*****
Okay, you probably won’t get the next bit if you don’t live in Victoria. Maybe I should explain. In Victoria the Transport Accident Commission, or TAC, has been running a series of extremely graphic advertisements for 10 years, designed to prevent road accidents. Usually the ads involve people dying in a car crash. So I feel I should tell you about a Christmas present the family will love…
Finally! A video with all your favourite TAC ads! All the greats are here, including…
* ‘Take a Powernap or die’
* ‘Mummy’s taking a quicker way to kindergarten, darling’
* ‘Big truck hits kombi van with sleepy driver’
* ‘Drunk dad driving home with his son’
* ‘But I need the car to drive the kids to school’
* ‘Girl leaning over from the back seat of the car and complaining ‘Could you guys slow down?’
* ‘Man with pizza crossing road, but not looking, and getting hit’
* And the now classic… ‘Darren, Darren, Oh My God, Darren’
Available now at all Target and K-Mart stores!