From the monthly archives:

December 1999

Your Opinion is Must Be in Demand!

December 15, 1999

How to cause anarchy, #582: Shopping centre public announcement system: Attention please. The alarms you are hearing are fire alarms. We are currently determining if there is a fire. Please stay alert and on standby for further instructions. Entire shopping centre full of highly-strung Christmas present shoppers: AIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Yes, when I was in Bay City [...]

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The Weight Watchers All-Pretzel Diet™

December 14, 1999

This morning at breakfast, my mum suddenly stared wide-eyed at her bowl of cereal, and pulled a piece of tooth out of it. I must admit, it takes a lot to put me off my breakfast, but getting a tooth in a box of cereal, that’s a bit sus. Mum rang up the cereal company [...]

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It’s a Bloody Mardi Gras Every Morning Whether I Like it or Not

December 13, 1999

Things You Don’t Want To Hear While You’re Having Morning Tea #92: Ant: Oh, I was so sick on Saturday with a hangover, I think I threw up my stomach lining. It wasn’t even the color of anything I’d eaten, it was like khaki green. Ant has this habit of assuming whenever you have a [...]

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Bad 80s Bands or Dodgy Porno Movies?

December 12, 1999

I noticed last night on SBS there was a documentary on Stonehenge. I bet centuries ago, a group of real smartarse druids all gathered around for a meeting… Head Druid: What are our plans for the next year? Shall we chop more herbs from trees with golden sickles? Another druid: I know! Let’s build a [...]

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Pimp in a Taxi

December 9, 1999

I just realised the other day my New Year’s Eve plans are totally botched up. Normally I go to the Falls Festival in Lorne (a music festival) but all the tickets have sold out. Ant reckons he’s going to just hire a good car on New Year’s Eve, and drive around town charging people $20 [...]

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Maybe Calling Up Cigarette Vending Machines is the Vending Machine Equivalent of 1900

December 8, 1999

Today at work… Ant: I died my hair blonde because apparently blondes have more fun. Blonde woman: Oh, but then you cop all that dumb blonde stuff. Me: Ant’s dumb anyway. He just had to die his hair to face up to his stupidity. Blondes have more fun? Hmm. If I die my hair black, [...]

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This is a Paperless Website

December 7, 1999

I hate having to go to the petrol station on my way to work. The reason I can’t stand it so much is because I usually haven’t woken up properly, and there’s no ruder wake-up call than inside a service station store. There’s so many colourful displays and things jumping out at me… it’s far [...]

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Press 8 to Donate

December 6, 1999

Once again, I got somebody else’s voicemail on my mobile phone. I keep getting phone calls for a guy named John from Sydney. The problem is, all his friends seem to have speech disabilities as they’re terribly difficult to understand. I think he got offered a job today, which is really bad. I wish I [...]

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Furthermore, Twisties are now manufactured at Lost Dogs’ Homes

December 5, 1999

You thought it had ended with the laser lights in cinemas (see yesterday’s entry), but here is… Stupid Crimes To Be Imprisoned For #2: (Scene: Jail cell) Hardarse thug: If only I hadn’t have held up that jewellery store, I wouldn’t have been chucked in here for the next 10 years. Another hardarse thug: If [...]

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Divorce Night: No Free List

December 4, 1999

My Illness Update: It’s getting to that stage where I know I’m almost better, but if I go out or something I’ll probably have a complete relapse. I want to go and see the new Toy Story movie but I’ll look pretty dumb if I run out of a screening of Toy Story because I [...]

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