Last night I was chatting with my friend Rhino…
Rhino: What is that around your neck?
Me: Oh, it’s a little dragon tooth thing.
Rhino: Dragon tooth? Must be rare…
Me: Yep, the $2 Shop is investing in anthropology now, I hear…
Rhino: I hear the Reject Shop do frozen embryos now. They’re fine, they just have no labels.
*****
I swear I’m not making the following up, I got it from Channel 7′s TV guide today. This was on TV this afternoon…
They stole the idea for my new website. Grr.
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Caution: men may wish to cross their legs before reading on…
I was chatting with Adam last night, and we somehow got onto the subject of how I got kicked in the nuts on New Year’s Day. Adam quite realistically suggested that there are probably people out there whose fetish is to cause pain in this fashion. I can see the porno videos of it now…
(cue 80′s keyboards and wah-wah guitar)
Woman with throaty voice: Now just lie back… relax… you just let me do allllll the work as I CRUSH YOUR TESTICLES TO A GRITTY PULP WITH THIS HOUSE BRICK…
*****
I was in Subway today and noticed they had an offer for unlimited drink refills. I thought I’d buy a small cup, because it costs the least and you can keep refilling it anyway. Or so I thought…
Me: (walks over to drink refill machine with small size cup)
Angry Subway Nazi Manager: Oi! You can’t do that?
Me: Huh?
Angry Subway Nazi Manager: You can’t refill your drink!!
Me: Um? (points to sign on wall – “Free Drink Refills”)
Angry Subway Nazi Manager: DAT is for the LARGE CUP SIZE ONLY!
Me: Why doesn’t it say that, then?
Angry Subway Nazi Manager: Because this is the rule!
Me: Uh huh… and you make them up as you go along, right?
Angry Subway Nazi Manager: NO THIS IS THE RULE!
Me: (filling up cup) And who enforces these rules? I don’t see the Subway Police here.
Angry Subway Nazi Manager: You CAN NOT REFILL YOUR CUP!
Me: Whoops. (walks outside)
*****
Also today, I was at a milk bar I go to quite often, and I know the woman who works there…
Me: I think you’ve got something in your teeth..
Milk Bar Woman: Oh? (checks) Ah, it’s just a piece of lettuce. As long as it’s a pubic hair, I don’t really care! MmmmmmBWAHAHAHAH!
Me: (pays for Coke and walks out quickly)