Okay. When I create a metal band there are three songs I’ve always said I would do heavy metal cover songs of.
1. “She’s Got The Look” by Roxette.
2. The theme from Tetris on the Game Boy.
3. That weird “Popcorn” song. (You know, “pom pom pom pom pom pom, pom pom pom pom pom pom pom, pom pompompompompompompompompompom”…)
*****
There’s heaps of rumours flying around work at the moment that we’re going to get our contracts extended (we’re only supposed to be working until the end of January) or that they’ll let us go before our contracts are due to end. I thought it would pay to be extra nice to my team leader today just in case they have to chop a few people.
As I was returning from my lunch break, I saw my team leader walking out of the building. Quickly, I tried to think of something that was friendly, humorous, thought-provoking and intelligent all at once. Then at the last minute, just as I was about to open my mouth, my brain signalled – WARNING! WARNING! You’re about to make an absolute dickhead of yourself!
So quickly in a split second, I thought, maybe I’ll just stick with something safe like “hi”, or “hello”. Even “nice day, eh?” or a “Have a nice lunch!”. So what did I end up saying to her?
Me: Hiwaaaaaargh!
Team leader: (shoots worried look at me, walks on by)
Yes, I tried to say everything I’d thought of, simultaneously. I love my brain.
*****
I had to send a letter express mail to the USA today, and I noticed on the pre-paid envelope, in the space where you write ‘country of destination’, it’s quite a large space.
Me: I wonder if I should put USA or United States of America.
Ms. J: (my cubicle companion at work): Oh My God.
Me: What?
Ms. J: You Idiot. It’s USA.
Me: Hrmmmmmmm.
Ms. J: Trust me.
Me: If this letter doesn’t get to America, you’ll be responsible.
Ms. J: You idiot. Who can be bothered writing “United States of America”?
Me: Well, me. Besides, in America they call it “the states”. So I thought “United States of America” would be the go.
Ms. J: Youuuuu idiot.
Me: Hey, hang on. Look at how big a space there is to fill in for the destination country on this envelope. I challenge you to think of a country name longer than United States of America. See – when I write “United States of America” it fits quite snugly. Obviously that is the longest country name, and this envelope has been designed to suit.
Ms. J: Hrmmph.
Me: (smirks)
If you can think of a country name longer than “United States of America”, email me. I’m sure I’m right.
*****
In yesterday’s entry I was talking about the new Channel 7 logo, which looks basically like a charity ribbon sideways (looks like the number 7). It’s also incorporated the five colours of the old logo into the new one (red, orange, yellow, green, blue). I’m suspecting that Channel 7 are subliminally backing some charities, so I asked anyone if they knew which charities used the corresponding ribbon colours.
I got an email from Mel letting me know that the red ribbon’s for AIDS awareness, and Nihilist emailed me to say that the blue ribbon is for free speech. He also told me that he has no idea about the others but that the colour yellow represents sexual deviancy.
It was Lynne however, who came through with the goods (yet again). She actually went out and found a site that lists pretty much every single charity ribbon there is. She emailed me and listed the most recognised charity for each ribbon colour, as well as a slightly more unusual campaign for each ribbon colour.
RED: AIDS Awareness & No Mork Dick Vitale (who is an American sportscaster)
ORANGE: Loyalists In Ulster & Boycott Construction Signs
YELLOW: Nothing specific, most are human rights, prisoners etc & Stop Calling Those Annoying E-mails Spam! Save Albert Park used yellow ribbons as well
GREEN: Environmentalism (in general) & Stop Truck Driver Abuse (& cow liberation)
BLUE: Free Speech Online & Stop Hating Leonardo DiCaprioPlus there’s a Rainbow Ribbon for Peacelink, and another for “true believer” Mac fans (but that has pink as well). Jeees – Diana has a pink one. Plus there’s ‘Ironic Speech Online Butt-Ugly Plaid,’ then No More Ribbons! (stripey), Leave Gary Coleman Alone! (grey).
I’m going to stop now, because I’ve just got as far as Genital Integrity (pink and blue). What the Hell is that??! Hey – I just worked out you can click all these. That one is anti-circumcision. Ooh look…. a coffee one!Does it get this boring in Torquay? I’m off to check the Celestial Ribbon Awareness For Victims of Intergalactic Violence…