The jokes about my sunburn continue. I’m going to Sydney this weekend to meet Adam for the first time, but today he said to me on the phone:
Adam: I’ll know how to find you at the airport.
Me: How?
Adam: You’ll be the only glow-in-the-dark person in the terminal.
The Rock, however, couldn’t make any more jokes about my sunburn at work today. Every time she tried to, I’d just retort ‘Ha! At least I didn’t wear a black bra underneath a white shirt to work today!’
*****
Chatting with MJ about how bad Sydney water is a few nights ago…
Me: People were saying that all these failures of essential services is a conspiracy. Apparently if you put dots on a map of Melbourne (where there was a gas explosion), Sydney (where the water was all stuffed up) and Auckland (which was in the dark for a week or two), it makes a big triangle.
MJ: And the conspiracy is… ?
Me: That’s a good question, now that you ask.
*****
I’ve been thinking about DVD players and how I’m really not sure when I have to buy one. It’s not as if they’re the new standard at the moment, but I never know exactly when to buy things like this. It’s like when CD’s came out, my family never got a CD player for ages and ages. I think there’s a rule of thumb when it comes to new technology: When your parents buy it, it’s time for you to buy it too.
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The Rock made some cake last night so she brought it in today for us to eat. It had some Kaluha in it, which is The Rock’s favourite drink, but she didn’t realise that when you put alcohol in food and cook it, that the alcohol gets cooked out. I can picture it if she got pulled over for a breath test by the cops on the way home:
Police officer: So, have you had anything to drink today?
The Rock: No, but I’ve had quite a lot of alcoholic cake.
Police officer: Uhhh… okay. You can drive on.
*****
Yesterday Ms. J and I went to the toilet at the same time, yet she beat me out by a matter of minutes. We were both doing number ones, but I was under the impression that guys were generally quicker in the toilet than women. I was talking to Adam about this and we came up with a few theories, perhaps Ms. J didn’t wash her hands or she simply didn’t go at all. I asked her, and apparently she was totally honest and went to the toilet as she claimed she did, so I challenged her to a rematch today.
She beat me. Again. Maybe I’m drinking more water than she is or something. The Rock is acting as self-appointed referee in this bizarre form of Olympics, but I think it’s just an excuse for her to make crap jokes (eg ‘More than 3 shakes is a wank!’ ‘We don’t need to wipe, we drip dry!’ etc).
The Rock also informed me that women don’t get ‘stage fright’ when they wee like guys sometimes do. I find this amazing. I’ve also been curious as to if women put down toilet paper in public toilets when they have to use them, or if they just hover above the seat. According to Ms. J and The Rock, most women do the hovering trick. I never would have even thought that good leg muscles were a pre-requisite to visiting a public toilet for women.
While we’re on bad toilet experiences, when I was at uni and sharing a flat with a total drugged out idiot, he’d always forget to flush the toilet. That’s how out of it he was. There was nothing worse than having a special surprise waiting for me when I stumbled into the toilet in the middle of the night.
*****
Jeb Official Bad Things: High School Debutante Ball Videos
Deb ball videos are only interesting if you were actually in the deb ball. Every time I’m forced to sit through someone’s deb ball video and watch hundreds of limos pull up filled with spotty teenages who stumble their way through some horrendously outdated dances, I can’t control my digestive system.
*****
I’ve gotten a few emails about the Edward Penishands video Ms. J and The Rock were talking about a few days ago (I thought they were having me on, but it seems to be a real video). Both Greg and Glen emailed me to tell me they’d seen it; and Mel had her own Edward Penishands story to tell:
Sadly enough, I have seen Edward Penishands. I was as at a party years ago (probably when I was in about Year 10 or 11, I guess) and we had all mellowed a bit, so the guys decided to go into town and get a video. They brought back Basic Instinct, and we were all happily watching it until it came to the scene where Sharon Stone rearranges her legs. Being the immature little perves that they were (are) they insisted in rewinding it and watching it again, and again, and again, and again, and pausing it, and watching it in slow motion, and rewinding it again, and again. A few of us got bored and went for a walk and when we got back they were still rewinding and rewatching. So we put our foot (feet?) down and ejected the video and insisted they go back and get something we could all watch without being subject to constant rewinding and immature guffawing. So they came back with Edward Penishands.
Rhino even discovered that Edward Penishands is actually a trilogy:
Edward Penishands is not just a porno, it’s a whole trilogy apparently. I even found a review of Edward Penishands 3. The novelty comes from Edward having 2 dildoes for hands. Sounds like pornographic brilliance.