I’d Shoot Myself if My Banana Went Black, Too
March 3, 2000
Yes, I got a haircut. Anyone who makes comments like ‘Vanilla Ice lives!’ in the guestbook will get beaten up.
The new Torquay McDonalds opens next week. It’s going to be such a laugh, half of Torquay is for it and half is against it, so there’s going to be demonstrations and everything out the front of the golden arches sign next week. Hmm… golden arches sounds like a particuarly nasty disease, don’t you think?
*****
The Tupperware invasion continues at my work. There’s not only Tupperware catalogues all through the tearoom at my work, but also a gigantic display of Tupperware. I have a deep fear of the stuff. There was one woman looking through the display, making little ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ noises, who turned to the woman who’s organising selling the Tupperware, and said:
Tupperware fetish woman: Is this Tupperware sexy?
Tupperware sales woman: (showing no emotion whatsoever) No, it’s not at all.
I later learnt that she said “ex-y”. Apparently this word is an abbreviation of expensive, and I’ve never bloody heard it before. I’m glad this word exists though, because I’m sure sex with plastic lunchboxes is the kind of thing you only find on German internet porn sites.
*****
Talking to Adam on the phone last night:
Adam: Wow, they’ve got this laser on TV that’s ten thousand times brighter than the sun.
Me: You better look away – you might hurt your eyes.
*****
How’s this for odd: Every now and then when I’m driving along, this spider crawls across my windscreen. The thing is, this spider has been doing this for at least a week. I can’t figure out where it goes, but it’s kinda freaky, it’s a pretty big bugger. Even more puzzling, is how the hell can a spider obtain a week’s worth of nourishment from a 1979 Datsun?
*****
A local supermarket in Torquay, Foodworks (who are totally crap) have got a new campaign going. They’re always trumpeting that they’re the cheapest supermarket in the local area. Most likely due to the fact they happen to be the only supermarket in the local area. Their new campaign is quite strange though. They’ve rabbiting about how they’re so much cheaper than the Safeway supermarket in Waurn Ponds, which is 15 minutes from Torquay and probably the closest major supermarket.
In Torquay Foodworks they now have giant signs up with 2 dockets on it – one from Foodworks and the other from Safeway. They bought exactly the same items in each supermarket, and have put the two dockets side by side for you to compare the prices. The dumb thing is, the bill for Foodworks totalls more than Safeway’s! Not even I can draw any sense from this one.
If you’re wondering, Maxibon ice creams aren’t going to be GST exempt because their name sounds too much like a tampon. I don’t like Maxibons, anyway. They’re one of my most hated things, next to bad Italian house music remixes.
*****
I’ve been having a look at the jobs on offer in Sydney, and I found one for an introductions agency. I’m horrendously unqualified for this sort of job, but I reckon it’d be a real laugh having a gay introductions agency. I’d match timid guys who have just come out of the closet with scary blokes.
Me: Timothy, meet your date, Benjamin!
Benjamin: Hi Timothy. Yeah, my name’s Benjamin, but I prefer to be called by my nickname, Part-Them-Buns-Benny.
Timothy: (quivers)
Sometimes people ask me ‘when did you realise you were gay?’ To be honest I think I always knew, I remember thinking things in grade 3 that I realise now would make me gay. I’ve heard other guys answer that question though, and it really makes me laugh when guys go ‘I just woke up one day and realised I was gay’. I find that hard to believe. It’s like… ‘Well, I made a cup of coffee, had some toast, and then thought, hmm, I think I’ll be gay today…’
Another funny thing is that people I know always ask me ‘Do you think (celebrity) is gay?’ – as if I can give the definitive word on who’s gay and who isn’t, simply because I am gay. I was asked by a friend of mine a while ago if Bernard Fanning (singer of Powderfinger) was gay… I felt like saying ‘Hang on! I’ll just go get my fagpedia and look him up…’
I used to have major problems with being gay, but I think it’s worked out okay. Chicks reckon I’m ugly anyway. Anyway, there’s only a few months until I turn 21 and reach my gay use-by date. (If you’re over 21 in the gay community (which I, by the way, have nothing to do with) you’re an outcast). According to A Current Affair, there’s only 19 more years until I turn into a priest/private school teacher cum child molester. Yay!
*****
Now that I’m moving to New South Wales, I’ll have to start following the NRL (rugby) instead of the AFL (proper football). And I don’t care what anyone says, the Roosters is a really, really dumb name for a footy team… Gobblegobblegobble! Oh, hang on, that’s a turkey…
*****
So Australia survived Cyclone Steve. Well, sort of. I think it’s only a matter of time before the Bureau of Metereology starts licencing out names of cyclones. I can see the forecast now:
Weatherman: Now for the forecast for the Northern Territory, scattered squally showers and storms with strong gusts over the Top End, becoming more frequent about the north and west coasts tonight. Scattered showers and storms also over the Gulf Country and Victoria River District. Also, keep a watch out for Cyclone Amazon.com, which will be moving along the Top End’s coast towards the afternoon.
*****
Has anyone seen those cute little mini-cigarette lighters? They’re like a teensy tiny version of a normal cigarette lighter. I don’t actually smoke, so I don’t need a lighter, but Ms. B recently bought one of these mini lighters:
Me: Ahh! You have one of the cute mini cigarette lighters.
Ms. B: Yep!
The Angry Brit: It’s a smaller lighter, eh?
Ms. B: It sure is.
The Angry Brit: So you’re cutting down, I see..
Then…
Me: Why’d you buy it anyway?
Ms. B: Well, the last one was a bit too large for my purse.
Me: Ah, okay.
Ms. B: I just couldn’t fit a big one in.
Jolly Man & The Angry Bit: (collapse into fits of laughter)
*****
Remember how Ms. J was trying to make me stop taking No-Doze pills? She reckons I should just take a Nutrasweet tablet because I’ll just think I’m having a No-Doze, and I’ll trick my brain. It’ll be like a placebo effect. Well, I disagree. I’ll wait until Nutrasweet is called Nutrasleep before I try this little so called trick of hers.
*****
Don’t you love getting unsolicited crap email? I’m sure many of you out there have recieved that ridiculous ‘KFC isn’t actually made from chicken!’ email. I’ve recieved this from at least 10 people, now kidding. This email claims KFC isn’t made from chicken because the word ‘chicken’ isn’t mentioned anywhere in their ads. Well, uh, it is, actually. Soon I’ll be getting emails claming “I heard McDonalds actually use REAL FOOD in their hamburgers!”
Another favourite unsolicited type of email of mine is the one apparently from Bill Gates. He wants you to ‘forward this email on to as many people as you can so we can test out our email tracking system. If you do this, you’ll get a free copy of Windows 2000!’ There’s another version I’ve seen where Bill offers you a trip to Disneyland. Well, I’m sorry, but I really don’t believe that Bill Gates would email me from a Hotmail.com account. I also like these emails I get from US dentists inviting me to join their dental plans. Sure – even though my email address ends in .au quite clearly stating I live in Australia, I’ll fly over to Texas to take advantage of this fantastic dental plan!
Actually, that reminds me of something that happened to Ms. J’s parents. Ms. J’s dad gets this porn in his email every day that he just doesn’t want, called Daily Dirt. Apparently Ms. J’s mum thought that her dad was downloading this deliberately, and it caused quite an argument that very nearly lead to a divorce before her dad was able to explain that he didn’t even want Daily Dirt. I’m sure they’re not the only couple to nearly divorce over this, so maybe it should be called Daily Divorce.
Getting back to that Bill Gates email and Microsoft related propaganda, I was reading this week about some of the dumb stuff that Microsoft does. Apparently in Microsoft Encarta (Microsoft’s encyclopedia), they proport different facts for different versions. If you look in Microsoft Encarta, the light bulb was “simultaneously” invented by Thomas Edison and Britain’s Joseph Swan in the American edition, but Edison disappears in the British version. Yes, Microsoft Encarta, now available on CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, and pianola roll formats.
*****
At work, we’ve got access to a handful of internet sites to amuse ourselves with when we’re not busy. (Which is most of the time). The only interesting site we’re allowed to use is the ABC’s site, and I swear, I’ve seen every page on that damn site now. Usually I just read the news, but I get bored and start reading things like the episode summaries to SeaChange (yes – I said I get bored).
So the other day, I noticed a large group of people oohing and ahhing around one guy’s computer. I went to have a look at what they were going on about. Turns out someone had found an interactive Bananas In Pyjamas colouring book on the ABC site, and they were colouring in the bananas. Most disturbing was that they had coloured in the bananas a disturbing shade of black, so that they were rotten bananas. The Angry Brit was heard to quip at the time ‘I’d shoot myself if my banana turned black’.
We had training at work today, so we know how the GST is going to impact on the business I work for. The guy who trained us did it in a rather unconventional manner – he chose to teach us through a song he’d written on his guitar. It was quite worrying because he really got into it, and did little squinty eye things as he reached the high notes and stuff. I really felt sorry for him and wanted to point out that accoustic guitar songs about the impact of the GST won’t really win Grammy awards, but ah well. Which leads me to today’s list thingie – I’ve tried to think up some more ways the Accoustic Guitar Trainer Man can teach us.
* In the form of an ice-show spectacular
* A weekly sitcom
* Mime
* As a series of complicated anagrams
* Using the Bananas in Pyjamas
* Written on a small piece of paper hidden down his trousers
* In skywriting
