A Seven Step Guide For When You’ve Just Woken Up In The Gutter From A Very Big Night Out.
1. Walk down one of the main streets of the city you happen to be in (eg Melbourne = Bourke St; Sydney = George St, etc).
2. Turn left into a side street.
3. Turn left again into an alley. If there is no alley, you are in Hobart, possibly Perth.
4. If drug dealers are milling in the alley, you are probably in Adelaide or Brisbane. If you are in Adelaide, buy up – everyone knows Adelaide dope is the best in the country; and let’s face it – if you’re not stoned in Adelaide, there’s not a lot else to do. If the drug dealer stabs you, however; you’re in Sydney.
5. If you find that when you turned down the side alley you ended back up on the street you began on, you are in Canberra. All the roads go around in circles, and once you enter the city it is difficult to escape.
6. If the alley is filled with cool cafes and underground basement dance clubs that seemingly nobody knows about, you are in Melbourne. Rejoice at what a cool city this is.
7. If you left the city after turning into a side street, you are in Darwin. Don’t worry about looking for the alley, just leave.