Scene: A Russian spaceship, late 1960′s
Cosmonaut 1: How many days have we been here now?
Cosmonaut 2: Three days.
Cosmonaut 1: Such an amazing journey.
Cosmonaut 2: Yes.
(An explosion sounds, followed by an alarm)
Cosmonaut 1: What is that?
Cosmonaut 2: Alarm! A puncture in the craft, most likely.
Cosmonaut 1: Shit!
Cosmonaut 2: I will check the controls.
(Cosmonaut 2 hastily floats towards a hatch, as hastily as possible when floating in zero gravity)
Cosmonaut 2: An enormous gash in the side of the craft… she won’t last too long!
Cosmonaut 1: Isn’t there anything you can do?
Cosmonaut 2: I cannae hold it, cap’n!
(silence)
Cosmonaut 1: (through teeth) What was that?
Cosmonaut 2: Er… nothing.
Cosmonaut 1: Was that a thinly disguised cultural reference to dirty American show Star Trek?
Cosmonaut 2: No! No!
Cosmonaut 1: Good.
(more silence)
Cosmonaut 2: Um, so… (motions towards rear of spacecraft) That whole hole in the craft thing…?
Cosmonaut 1: Oh! Yes. Um… is there anything we can do to escape a terrible death which will be slightly modified and scripted into a successful Hollywood movie?
Cosmonaut 2: It depends if Will Smith is in the lead or not, to be honest. If he is, then in the movie we’ll be saving the world as well as oursel-
Cosmonaut 1: Enough of such talk! I don’t want to die a painful death.
Cosmonaut 2: We could press… (eerie pause) THE RED BUTTON.
Cosmonaut 1: Is that really necessary?
Cosmonaut 2: If we don’t then we may die a horrible and slow painful death.
Cosmonaut 1: Alright. Press the red button. Go to the controls and do it on your own – I don’t want to know when it’s going to happen.
Cosmonaut 2: It was a pleasure working with you. An honour.
Cosmonaut 1: Yes, definitely.
(The cosmonauts embrace and Cosmonaut 2 floats slowly through a hatch towards the controls. After a few minutes, he floats back meekly).
Cosmonaut 2: Um…
Cosmonaut 1: What?!
Cosmonaut 2: There is a small problem.
Cosmonaut 1: What now?
Cosmonaut 2: Well, the red button…
Cosmonaut 1: Yes…
Cosmonaut 2: All the buttons on the controls are red.
Cosmonaut 1: (slaps forehead) Of course! This is a Russian spaceship!
Cosmonaut 2: This leaves us with only one alternative.
Cosmonaut 1: Oh God no…
Cosmonaut 2: I’m afraid we may have to do it…
Cosmonaut 1: But we are Russian cosmonauts!
Cosmonaut 2: I know. It hurts, but we’re going to have to do it.
Cosmonaut 1: (sobs) Do it. Do it. Oh, how we have fallen. Go back in there… and press the democracy button.