As I have mentioned previously, I will shortly be relocating myself back to Melbourne. Living in Sydney has been a great experience (not counting the hordes of British backpackers), but I believe Melbourne is the place for me to be.
Which is a pity, because although I prefer Melbourne over Sydney, there are aspects of Sydney that I’ll miss. I really wish that I could take aspects of Sydney with me to Melbourne and create a hybrid supercity: Melbney.
Melbney would feature parts of Melbourne and Sydney morphed into one. For example:
Melbourne’s Bourke Street and Sydney’s George Street would be combined to feature a long stretch of aging, decrepit old cinemas, dodgy restaraunts and souvenir outlets. In honour to Myer Melbourne’s Christmas store window decorations, all stores come November/December will be forced by law to provide dodgy mechanical sideshows which do not relate to Christmas at all. This street would become known as Borge Street.
Sydney’s Newtown and Melbourne’s St Kilda would be combined to form the ultimate in arty-farty pretentious inner-city suburbs. Parking would be near outlawed with council employees paid to drive around and quickly occupy any parking spot, forcing residents to park in places of various legality and gaining the local council thousands of dollars in fines. Cafe lattes are not allowed to be served to anyone who doesn’t pronounce ‘lahhh’ longer than ‘tay’. This hybrid suburb would become known as St Newda.
Sydney’s tourist mecca Darling Harbour would be combined with Melbourne’s silent echoing wastelands, known locally as the Docklands. People would be promised luxury inner-city apartments which never seem to get constructed (as long as they don’t mind living with an eternal construction site on one side and a dodgy football oval on the other). The local Imax cinema and Sega World theme park would swiftly become managed by Jeff Kennett. This area would become known as the Darling Docklands.
And lastly, a combination of Sydney’s Pitt Street and Melbourne’s Collins Street. All McDonalds stores in this street would appeal to yuppies by featuring lattes, cakes and slices. People not wearing all-black business suits would be shot on sight. This street would be known as Clitt Street.
As you can see it would be quite a smooth transition. Stay tuned for my future plans to combine Sydney with Auckland – the city that hates itself!