It was Australia Day yesterday. Thanks to a invasive British settlement which resulted in an Aboriginal genocide, Australians got Friday off work!
I’m sure many people will be having wild weekends due to the holiday, so I present for you today a tool to guage how good your weekend really was. Please use on a regular basis, and aim to score high!
1. Designated Slapper Saturdays/Slut Sundays.
If you’ve specifically put aside a day to go out for the primary goal of copping a bit of honka-tonka-bonka, you’re living life for yourself! (And for veneral diseases! How very new millenium). Score: 5 points, and an extra point for every bad pick up line that results in a drink thrown at you. Minus one point if it’s bourbon – that’s just a waste of a good drink.
2. Defensive Reactions When Announcing Your Plans.
If someone asks you what you’re doing on the weekend and you get all defensive for fear of someone finding out you’re going bananas with drugs or sex, you’re likely to cause some probing.
Friend: So what are you doing this weekend?
You: You know that blonde girl in accounts?
Friend: What, with the breasts?
You: Yeah, the breasts.
Friend: What about her?
You: I’m going to the cinema tonight with her, to see ‘What Women Want’.
Friend: WHOA-HOOOOAH! And what will THAT lead to?!
You: Uh… seeing a movie?
For every loud whooping noise your friend makes or clap of their hands, score 5 points.
3. Boosies.
If you mention the word ‘boosies’ while describing your weekend on Monday, score 5 points. If you’re not a straight male, score an extra 50 points.
4. Advance Broadcasting of your Weekend Antics.
If you arrive at work to find that most people already know about what you got up to on the weekend, score 5 points for each person that makes a snide remark. Eg:
You: You should see this tourist I picked up on the-
Friend: Oh, I’ve already heard you copped a bit of Yankee Doodle Dandy on Saturday.
5. Drunken Composing.
For every song you drunkenly compose about an inanimate object, score 5 points. Score a bonus 10 points if people are still singing it on Monday. Eg:
(To the tune of ‘Wild Thing’)
Bean bag
You make my arse sing
You make everything
Comfy
6. Three Orgasm Levels.
Score 20 points if you experienced all three orgasm levels on your weekend:
a) The ooh, that’s nice and comfortable orgasm. (Also known as the Better Homes and Gardens orgasm)
b) The whoa! That’s great! orgasm. (Also known as the Beer and Pizza orgasm)
c) The Are You Sure That’s Legal? orgasm. (Also known as the I No Longer NEED To Be A Millionaire orgasm)
7. Torch Ceremony.
If you had a torch ceremony for the hell of it, score 5 points. (I honestly believe we need more torch ceremonies).
8. Weight Loss.
Finally, score 10 points for every kilo you lost on your weekend.