Since March I have experienced a unique freedom and liberation. So many of us are trapped in a prison we fail to notice. It was only after I rid myself of the offending item in question that I fully understood my self-imposed imprisonment.
You should sell your car too. Only in your post-automobile euphoria will you rid yourself of the many hidden hindrances a car curses you with.
I mean, I don’t have to worry about running anyone over by mistake anymore. It’s an unfortunate fact that if I’m driving down the pavement, I’m likely to strike down an unwilling pedestrian. Conversely, the likelihood of me trampling anyone as I walk down the street is highly unlikely! No longer will you have to worry about those blood stains on your beloved vehicle, which turn a once beautifullly finished paint job into something that’s gaudier than the latest Sportsgirl catalogue.
In fact, it was only yesterday that I was strolling home from the supermarket in the most carefree manner in recent memory. See, without a car you’re not so confined to staying on the bitumen. As convenient as driving directly into a shopping centre, there’s the aforementioned inconvenience of potential casualty.
Normally, I’d be forced to lumber my grocery bags to an unbearably crowded car park and force myself through the tedious task of packing the bags into the car – inevitably followed by the equally frustrating unpacking of bags. This is assuming I can recall where I parked that pesky car in the first place!
Even as one of my grocery bags spontaneously burst open and vomited its contents onto the pavement yesterday, I couldn’t help but smile at the convenience of it all. Firstly, I was gaining valuable exercise and reducing pollution by walking home with the groceries. This was topped off with the added bonus of chasing after a bag of capsicums and a bottle of Coke on the highway, educating me with valuable stealth and athleticism skills!
Menial tasks such as refilling your car’s radiator with water will be lifted from you, and only in your post-vehicle will you realise what time-consuming duties these were! Sell your car, and the only thing you’ll be oiling is your grotesquely meaty legs, porked up by years of non-use, to stop them from chafing together as you walk!
No longer do I have to reassure myself that items have been evacuated from my vehcile when I leave friends sitting in it, whilst I duck into a nearby store for groceries. Perhaps obsessively counting and re-counting the five cent pieces in my ashtray after I drop friends off from a night out was a little manic, but get rid of the car and you’ll be free of this stress.
Such a move will promote more exercise than you may realise. As you can understand, you’ll be walking far more than you used to, but wait until you go out on a Friday or Saturday night. Where you once safely drove around the dodgy streets of seedy inner-city suburbs, you’re now confined to relying on your alertness and stealth to ensure safe passage. Will you make it safely up the alley, or will you shortly be dragging yourself down the road leaving a bloody trail from a fatal stomach gash? Only your survival skills can decide!
A sense of calm will wash over you as you realise you have been freed from petty arguments over which radio station you should listen to in the car. This is especially so if all your friends listen to dance music:
Friend: Oh, turn this music off. Put it on a proper dance station.
You: What? What do you want to hear?
Friend: Put some house music on.
You: Okay. (changes station)
Friend: No, not trancey house.
You: Okay. (changes station)
Friend: No, not groovy house.
You: Um… okay. (changes station)
Friend: No, not handbag house.
You: Ahem. (changes station)
Friend: No, not beatsy house.
You: WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF HOUSE THEN?!
Friend: Sheesh! Just put it on Wild FM!
You: Oh, right – trashy commercial house. Silly me.
So for the safety of the general community and your own self-liberation, I strongly recommend ditching your automobile. Next time you are about to step foot into it, just remind yourself that you are potentially about to kill someone. The only true safe way to stop your car from crashing is to not turn it on.
Oh, and you’ll be able to start wearing pants again, too. I know it’s convenient to drive around naked from the waist down, but trust me. You won’t experience any road rage on the pavement, and it doesn’t require that much extra effort to unbutton your jeans to moon someone.