I work with two of the guys who run ZGeek, and it seems Pirate has received an interesting email from Fred Nile.
While I think this is damn funny, I’m secretly jealous. Well… incredibly jealous.
See, I think I’m far more deserving of an angry email from Australia’s favourite wacky Crazy-Christ homophobe. My gay gland is far bigger than Pirate’s. It’s not fair and I’m getting a bit sulky over the whole thing.
As I mentioned to Doctor Gonzo (another ZGeek-ite) at work today – when I become a famous metal star, I’ve already planned for my first album to be titled ‘The Fred Nile Album’! Concerts would feature enormous flags of Fred being set on fire and angry Daily Telegraph editorials condemning my performance the following day!
Yet Fred has turned his vitriolic anger masquarading as Christian love to ZGeek and not me.
Fucking hell, Fred. I even had sex in a church once with another man. Seriously! Where’s my angry email, eh?
So in light of these events, ZGeek and I Have decided to have a Celebrity Harassment Challenge. We’re trying to see who can find the best celebrity harassment story, so if you’ve pissed off someone famous – keep reading.
As some examples, I’ll list every incident I can remember in my life where I’ve pissed off someone famous (unfortunately, I’m yet to strike above b-grade celeb but I’m working on it… I’ll get up to Freddy status soon).
Margaret from The Movie Show. My work is close to SBS TV’s headquarters, and they’ve got a cafe there. It’s no surprise to often see SBS TV hosts having a coffee or whatnot, and just last week Margaret ‘Well, I Think Your Idea Of Compelling Plot Is Shithouse, David’ Pomeranz happened to be tucking into a sandwich of some sort with a friend. I was hesitantly making my way through a maze of seats, balancing a cup of coffee and plate of food; when the beverage decided to evacuate itself from my planned menu. It was most unfortunate that it hit the ground and splashed all over Margaret’s right leg. The look she gave me was akin to the expression she wears when reviewing a movie that she deems worthy of only one star.
Michael Veitch. The following is from my March 29, 2000 journal entry:
As The Rock and I walked up to McDonalds, we noticed this guy crossing over the wrong side of the road, and his face seemed familiar to me.
Me: Hey, do you know that guy?
The Rock: I’ve seen him somewhere…
Me: Maybe someone I went to school with or something…
The Rock: Ahhhh! It’s that comedian! The one who played the priest on ‘Fast Forward’!
Me: Ahhhh it’s Michael Veitch!
The Rock: That’s right, he’s doing gigs in Geelong at the moment.
Me: Well, he’s certainly not setting a very good example crossing the wrong side of the road.
You may or may not remember, when Michael Veitch used to do skits on Fast Forward playing his priest character, at the end of every sermon, he’d say “I think there’s something in that for all of us”. So as Michael Veitch crossed the wrong side of the road towards us, I couldn’t help but say…
Me: Comedians crossing the wrong side of the road… I think there’s something in that for all of us.
He gave me the filthiest look.
Anne-Maree Biggar. Before she got involved with one of those generic lifestyle shows, she used to host the Logie-worthy Agro’s Super Sunday Show. I was age 10 when my parents took me and my sisters on a holiday to Brisbane, and we went to see the show getting taped while we were there, because Agro was my hero. (Life almost makes sense knowing that my childhood hero was probably a bathmat at one stage). As if Agro not turning up to the show wasn’t traumatising enough (he was ‘sick’), Anne-Maree appeared even more horrifying in the flesh than on TV. After the taping finished, I walked over to her and said ‘You’re so skinny that you scare me’. She wasn’t necessarily impressed.
You get the idea. So if you’ve pissed off a celebrity or received angry email from them, let me know. I need ammunition so we can stop the ZGeek camp winning this little exercise. Feel free to provoke the b-grade celebrity of your choice (and if you get an email from Fred Nile, you’ll be a fucking champion – send him a message via the Christian Democratic Party’s homepage).
May the best… er… website hated by Fred Nile win. (Fred, remember – I had sex in a church! Sex in a church!) All responses I receive will be posted soon.