From the yearly archives:

2001

Thank You for Thanking Me for My Recent Application

October 24, 2001

Dear Commission-Hungry Representative, Thank you for thanking me for my recent application for the position of Customer Service Pleb, which was recently dressed up as a once in a lifetime opportunity on my jobseeker website of choice. Further thanks for having now sent me your whinging standard response twice. After careful consideration, it is with [...]

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Hamburger Whore

October 21, 2001

Here’s a moral dilemma for you: you’ve adamantly sworn yourself off all consumables which are deep-fried, pre-packaged, chocolate-smothered, icecream-centred, caramelicious, take less than two minutes to prepare, or have been proffered up by a suspicious-looking clown who assures you that his special sauce is nothing to worry about. Then a mysterious, faceless organisation sends you [...]

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Secret Ingredient of Your Meatlovers Pizza

October 17, 2001

My dear old workmate Kazza, she who was always proud to announce to all members of company staff which colour knickers she was wearing on any particular day, dropped in for a fleeting visit last week. Upon entering our living room, she swiftly sunk herself into the couch. ‘I’m pooped,’ she sighed. ‘I was doing [...]

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Our Own War to Wage

October 14, 2001

‘I had a very good idea for a plan today,’ Adam burst into the apartment breathlessly. ‘And it involves you.’ Frowning, I was immediately suspicious. ‘Does this involve me engaging in breakfast temping again?’ I demanded. ‘No, no,’ Adam waved his hand dismissively. ‘I am worried that your plan will negate our long-held plan for [...]

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SALTPEPPER??

October 7, 2001

Unlike more devoted members to most companies I’ve worked at, I draw the line at working through my lunch break. Sure, reheating last night’s casserole in the microwave and grimly soldering on through what’s apparently ‘urgent’ paperwork aided solely by congealed globs of macaroni may be a way of life for some, but it doesn’t [...]

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Group of People May Contain Traces of Nuts

October 4, 2001

One of the employment agencies I’m with has convinced me to partake in an activity of theirs which they like to term ‘breakfast temping’. After expressing my annoyance that they didn’t seem to have even glanced at my resumé – nowhere did I mention an interest in catering or a preference for early morning working [...]

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The Snip Show

September 27, 2001

I’m convinced I’ve discovered the next Big Thing in TV. This is post-reality TV. I present: The Snip Show. I admit, I’m borrowing a little from the talk show format here. But I ask you: when was the last time you had a genuinely intellectually stimulating conversation? One you enjoyed, debated with passion, began talking [...]

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My Career Has Been Sorted

September 24, 2001

Peering over the frosted glass encapsulating myself and three arrogantly rigid wooden chairs, I survey the local area. Tens of quivering temps clutching anxiously at their resumes are sitting, waiting, fearing their vocational destiny just as I am. The employment agency I’m visiting this morning has become my favourite. They’re quite professionally run and got [...]

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How Giant Balls Relate to Team Building

September 18, 2001

‘Okay everyone,’ one of the women in the office cried out, unannounced. ‘We’re going to do some team building exercises this afternoon.’ My eyes widened with horror. This would surely be no better than my experiences with employment-related teamwork games, which invariably end up as controlled shouting matches. ‘I don’t really need to take part, [...]

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Stasis Areas of Office Buildings

September 16, 2001

Of recent years, frequenting department stores such as Myer, David Jones and Grace Bros. was a simple affair. You could stroll around at ease between the various departments and marvel at how the lack of staff competence decreased increasingly as you visited higher floors. (By the time you reach furniture on the top level, the [...]

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