From the monthly archives:

October 2002

I Could Have Been a Hero

October 30, 2002

One calendar year has almost rolled around since I began this job. It feels like I’ve only been employed here for a much shorter time than I actually have though, which I’m pretty sure is a good thing. (Or is that when you’re having great sex? Hmm).
It’s only become apparent to me that my stature [...]

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If You Ever Needed Any Further Evidence that America is Slightly Self-Absorbed

October 23, 2002

Disembodied phone voice: Thank you for calling E*Trade America’s international customer service hotline! Are you currently an E*Trade customer? Please say… (dramatic pause) Yes or.. (dramatic pause) No.
Jeb: Yes. (dramatic pause)
Disembodied phone voice: I’m sorry. I did not understand that. Please say… (dramatic pause) Yes or.. (dramatic pause) No.
Jeb: YES.
Disembodied phone voice: I’m sorry. I [...]

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Diet Pornography

October 21, 2002

I bump and grind and oil myself up.
My eyebrow may rise suggestively, but my genitalia does not.
Frantically, I make exaggerated faux-masturbation motions behind an extremely frosted shower door.
I may dry hump someone like two drunken high school students, but still manage to cop a dose of what seems to be incurable impotence.
Oh yes. I am [...]

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Shampoo Diamond

October 20, 2002

Now, I’m a sucker for any kind of grocery-based promotion. Any contest which requires you to consume some variety of perishable much faster than you healthily should, in order to determine if some sort of prize is at the bottom of the packet, really tickles my marketing-related-activities g-spot.
The latest contest I’d noticed on our weekly [...]

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