I Could Have Been a Hero
October 30, 2002
One calendar year has almost rolled around since I began this job. It feels like I’ve only been employed here for a much shorter time than I actually have though, which I’m pretty sure is a good thing. (Or is that when you’re having great sex? Hmm).
It’s only become apparent to me that my stature in the company could have been vastly elevated had I behaved a little differently on my first day at work. Although I’m not quite sure that any normal person who’d been faced with the situation I was in would’ve behaved much differently.
On my first day at work, by pure chance my work was having a “think tank” conference for the day at a conference centre in the city. This was held in one of the taller buildings in Sydney’s city centre, providing gaping views which provided such excellent distractions that questions from the man leading the session were invariably answered inappropriately. (”So how do you foresee your department stepping forward from this challenge?” “I’m not sure. But let me weep awkwardly at the unbridled beauty of waves lapping gently across the harbour!”)
Sidling into the conference centre that morning, I realised I was in the uncomfortable situation of having to locate a party of people whom I was only vaguely familiar with. After hovering around the elevator area maintaining a constant look of intense fear, someone eventually felt enough pity me to help me locate my new workmates, but not before spitting snide comments about my lack of direction at me.
Well, that was me, actually. I can be pathetic sometimes.
I eventually ran into some familiar faces around a plateful of croissants and other breakfast snacks, and began the awkward ceremony of reintroducing myself to everyone. Until I realised that the familiar faces were Snap, Crackle and Pop and I was really much more nervous that I’d initially realised.
Stumbling over to a window, where a group of employees were crowded around, I mumbled an introduction as ‘the new guy’. Greetings were murmured in my general direction, and I joined the conversation, which was currently reflecting the controversial topic of the view from the window.
The first thing I saw when I looked out that window was some girl wearing something I’m sure was from Supre giving a businessman an almighty blowjob on the roof of another office building, not too far away. Glancing around cautiously, I wondered if this was what everyone else was staring at. They weren’t necessarily too easy to spot, but the man’s bald head was glaring in the sun like a sexual beacon.
‘Mmm, this cream cheese is delicious,’ announced the girl next to me, biting into her croissant with vigor.
‘I know,’ agreed a man nearby. ‘Man, it was so hard to walk all the way up those stairs! I’m pooped… oh, oranges, maybe I can suck on these!’
I spun around in confusion. Was everyone talking in double entendres or were they completely oblivious to the oral pleasure being conducted only an earth-shuddering orgasm-induced scream away?
‘Here’s a serviette,’ another member of staff warned. ‘You’ll want to clean up that mess from your chin when you’re done,’ she winked.
‘Aaaaaaargh!’ I cried mentally. Were these the kind of people who would find a rooftop blowie absolutely hilarious? Although I’d only been working for the company for less than an hour in total, I couldn’t find a way to break the ice and risk being known as ‘the weird pervy blowjob guy’ for the rest of my career. What was I supposed to say, ‘hey, everyone, look at that great big fattie sliding in and out on the roof over there!’
‘That’s fucking disgusting, you dirty perv!’ cried the female next to me in reply, and hit me forcefully with a well-baked bread roll.
Okay, not really. But I did keep this snippet of information to myself for many months to come, and only mentioned it in passing to a friend at work a couple of months ago. Who quite happily broadcast this information around the company at large.
By the end of the day, in a meeting, people were asking me why I didn’t tell anyone. ‘You could have been a hero!’ they cried. ‘Do you understand what an idol you would have been – on your very first day?!’
Yet all I’d done on my first day was stand there bumbling, as useless as Scroll Lock. To think – I could’ve been a Blowjob Hero.
