Boobies for Jesus™
March 21, 2003
I’ve always been faintly amused by Christian groups earnestly conducting de-homo-ising workshops. They’re no less bizarre than gay Liberal voters, really.
Which is why a random conversation between a particular Kiwi and I lead to the inception of Boobies for Jesus™. Not entirely unlike the World Vision model of sponsoring a needy child, Boobies for Jesus™ matches you up with token females to set you straight, so to speak. Therefore, it only made sense that the first female I’ll ever sleep with (if any) was my first Boobies for Jesus™ sponsor.
Yet word’s now spreading and I’m beginning to accrue even more Boobies for Jesus™ sponsors. At work alone I now have six ladies happy to join the program and support me by way of… well, nobody’s completely sure. (Two of them are even lesbians, so I think they’re as confused as I am about what this is all leading to).
I really didn’t think straight women were attracted to gay men in the way that straight guys can’t seem to get enough of lesbians (well, their idea of what a lesbian entails, at the very least). But maybe I’m wrong – sheesh, if a smelly, unshaven and slightly blobby guy like me can get boobies on the premise of being gay, then any straight guy probably could pass himself off as a homo and proclaim himself as a burgeoning member of Boobies for Jesus™.
But I have no need for boobies. I have my own boobies. As a slightly bizarre tagline painted on the front of an inner-city apartment building being built by a Japanese construction company would say – The Boobies for Jesus are Within Me on the Happy Day.
