Seeing as every man and his wheatgrass-shot-fuelled dog seems to be opening up juice bars, I figured there must be another way for people to happily fork over $8.50 to wait in a line for 20 minutes for a small cup of fruity flesh.
Also bearing in mind that bottled water is a ridiculous scam… I’m going to open a chain of hyperactively colour-schemed water bars, staffed exclusively by pretentious boobs dressed as if they’d be more at home in a mid-90′s rave. If people are stupid enough to buy from a water bar, they’ll probably be stupid enough to strap on an oxygen mask for a few minutes as well, so there’ll be water+oxygen combo deals available.
Holy Christ, why not offer the water equivalent of wheatgrass shots: water with an EXTRA OXYGEN SHOT! Insert lots of random words around promotional artwork here, such as LIFE! FIT! LOVE! FUN!… and other monosyllabic words undoubtedly shouted back and forth between mid-90′s rave Djs and the crowds attending them.
The key to enticing people to buy from my water bar will be the sneaky packaging. All my water will come in plastic cups, with a yoghurt-tub style foil lid. The catch is: all the bottles are in shapes traditionally occupied by beer. So you’ll be able to buy water longnecks (wongnecks), water schooners (wooners), or beerjug water (wugs).
If all this works, I’ll introduce a premium line of health-water which is just my bottled urine, then cackle insanely as people guzzle it down greedily.