Is recycling paper as useless as trying to drink an Extra Dry at a reasonable pace, without foam spoofing out of the bottle after every swig? (It’s not just me, is it?)
Seriously. I’ve always gone to extremely unreasonable efforts to avoid littering and make sure I’m recycling. But after my last job in Melbourne, I’ve become somewhat sceptical over the whole “recycling” racket.
After moving offices, we were told to recycle as much paper as we could during the move. Sure, we all said, and went bananas destroying documents which had been sitting on our desks for months, but which were probably quite important in hindsight. At the end of the day, the office basically looked like Rodney Adler had violently expelled every damning piece of evidence against him from every orifice in his body, screaming painfully like a banshee.
This was when we were told: “Be careful only paper is recycled. If even one piece of non-paper material is found in the entire truckload of material to be recycled, the recycling plant will send the entire truckload to landfill.”
THE FUCK?
Now let’s think about it. How many times have you randomly piffed an old pizza box into the recycling bin? Fucking LOADS of times! How many times have you stuffed envelopes with plastic window-faces into the recycling bin? Almost every day! How many times have you stalked down and bludgeoned Ian Thorpe into an admittedly not-quite-paper-like pulp but folded him up and jammed him into the recycling bin anyway? Daily and hourly!
For this reason I’m no longer sure that recycling is even worth it. I’m especially paranoid about freaking window envelopes. I mean, fuck’s sake, I could keel over and die from a highly dramatic rock star death in a matter of months, but I’m worried over the envelope from my phone bill causing a patch of the Earth to fill up a little quicker than it otherwise would.
Can SOMEONE please SETTLE my MIND about this freaking WINDOW ENVELOPE issue so that I can GET ON WITH LIFE?
Meanwhile, I have a new kid’s cartoon to be obsessed with: My Dad, the Rock Star. I caught it totally by accident on Nickelodeon. Pretty rad: this nerdy kid’s dad is an 80′s metal star. They’ve fully stolen the plotline from the porn I generate in my mind just before I, er, go to sleep.