Although we have Foxtel at our place, it’s really much more Adam’s toy than something I watch. Despite the enticement of shows like Naked and Funny (think Candid Camera with boobs, filmed in what appears to be Belarus in the 1990s) and my favourite Bio Channel documentary of the year – I Can’t Stop Masturbating - most of the programming fails to draw my attention.
That was until I began seeing some promos fly everywhere for a show titled Ax Men. Based on the advertisements alone, this appears to be a compilation of the non-penetrative scenes of every lumberjack-bear porno I’ve ever had the jarring fortune to witness with my own eyes. The entire premise is really so simple, but hilariously dramatised.
Let’s face facts. The show is about a bunch of dudes who chop down trees. It could have been a perfectly level-headed documentary about the lives of loggers and how they go about their job.
However, I think the logo of the show says it all. I’m sure you can imagine how it animates like a homoerotic Transformer with around fifteen manly sounds to accompany it (clunking, whirring, chainsaws, the initial grunt of giving in to man-insertion and welding are some of the few I can pick out). Then there’s a blur of footage of dudes walking around being macho and obliterating the environment, a montage of eye-poppingly phallic footage of trees, before what I can only assume is 15 minutes of shame in the logging company’s bathrooms followed by a guilty and swift drive home to their wives.
Airing now on the Closeted Men Channel, I assume (read Men’s Health “for the articles”? This one is for you).
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I remember when I used to read Men’s Health ‘for the articles’. That was also during the ‘I Totally Want To Bone Sarah Michelle Gellar, Honest’ days. (Nowadays known as couch-jumping, I do believe?)