World Wide Jeb

When Transhumanism Attacks

December 3, 2008

There’s a reason I like my new gym: it’s a roidmuncher haven. Let’s be honest: if you’re working out, you may as well have something nice to look at. While I’ve been to other gyms in the past, they were all much too broad a representation of the community.

No, what I have is a collection of grunting, idiotic meatheads to look at. It’s awesome! The whole place seems a little bit like a caricaturisation, but I’ve always enjoyed pretending that I live in a sitcom.

There are only two women (I think they’re women?) who seem to join in the steel-lifting, but my little world was punctured last week. It’s always been difficult for me to converse with anyone else at the gym, usually because I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. As far as I’m concerned, the machines have names in my head like “Machine That Makes My Chest Hurt Two Days Afterwards”, “Angry Steel That Will Forbid You From Sitting Tomorrow”, “Childbirth Simulation Device” and “Machine That Will Reveal Your O-Face During a Particularly Angry Hatefuck”. So… there’s little for me to talk about with anyone else.

Which is why I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt a tap on my shoulder last week. From one of the two ladyfolk at the gym, no less. Her question confounded me as I racked my brain for every impressive-sounding phrase I could blurt out relating to GETTING HUGE.

“Excuse me,” she confidently grinned. “It’s so awesome to see someone else who’s so interested in transhumanism“.

My brain wildly calculated how this related to… anything, while I began gulping entire cubic tonnes of air in panic.

“So what areas of transhumanism are you into?” she demanded, sassily leaning on a machine which looked like it could destroy industrial waste.

“Buh, buhhhh… guhhhh?” I blubbered. “Transhumanism…?”

“Oh,” she frowned. “Ummm, it’s just… your t-shirt, and all. I thought you might be one of the rare souls into this kind of thing. It looked like you got a souvenir from a conference. Sorry to bother you.”

Which was when it suddenly dawned on me… I was wearing a t-shirt featuring one of my fave bands, Cyanotic. Their album is titled, you guessed it, Transhuman. (It’s pretty fuckin’ awesome! Go check them out!)

There was my chance to go on a freakish date and discuss the merging of man and machine flittering away into the air. Actually, probably a good thing… fuck knows what kind of sex toys a woman interested in transhumanism has up her sleeve.