Nandon’t
December 14, 2008
Everyone’s got an awesome local takeaway food shop in their area. Here in Port Melbourne, it’s the awesome chicken shop we have nearby. The two blokes who run this joint are champs. You get discounts if you’re a local, a guaranteed laugh, free food if your order is taking a little while to prepare, and a running commentary on the postcode region’s quality of boobs.
The love which locals have for this shop shouldn’t be underestimated. Which is why it’s completely insane that a Port Melbourne Nando’s outlet is opening next door to this shop.
They have absolutely no chance of competing. Sure, Nando’s has its place, but they’ll be effectively competing against the food equivalent of midget porn. Yes, it’s a bit grubby, it’s nothing flash, it’s cheap and it’s certainly scraping the barrel; but everyone will secretly admit to loving it. (Right? RIGHT?)
Port Melbourne locals aren’t likely to switch their chicken-gobbling habits any time soon, so I’ve compiled a list of handy hints to assist the new Nando’s with even a remote chance of success:
- Replace your peri-peri sauce with actual appearances from Matthew Perry. He’s got nothing better to do nowadays, so I’m sure you’ll find him obliging.
- You’ll need to take a step up from those entendre-filled Nando’s t-shirts your staff wear. Instead of “I Make the Chicks Hot” and “Chicks Rule”, it’s time to take action. Offer an upgrade to a large drink, large fries, and a flash of your staff member’s genitals to prove the claims.
- Incorporate spray-tanning not just on your chickens, but as a service to patrons. Lord knows you’ll fit in with all 100 other freakin’ day spas in the suburb.
It makes me a little sad that Port Melbourne’s first fast food chain has appeared, but Starbucks was banished a few months ago so there’s hope yet. Locals, stay true to the chicken breasts that have gotten you this far.
One Response to “Nandon’t”
Goddamn. That’s a choice I wouldn’t want to have to make.
By Dan on Dec 14, 2008