Top Five Reasons We’re Moving House
January 5, 2009
We’re moving house in a few weeks. This has caused us to reassess all the things we’ve never been able to do or buy in our current house. We’ve concluded the top five benefits are:
1. Domestic boxing bag
Adam has longed for a boxing bag in the home, but we’ve never had enough room. This new place has a decently sized courtyard, so we can progress from him air-kicking 5cm away from my face to an actual boxing bag. Just as long as it isn’t stuffed with hundreds of scarves from the 1970s (view old entry) – if someone was on acid at our house, that could cause irreparable damage.
By the way, that’s one of those creepy torso boxing bags over there on the left. Not a sex toy. Sicko. (Although…)
2. A life without the constant intrusion of TV programming like Naked and Funny and America’s Goriest Prostitute Murders
Admit it, there’s something fundamentally wrong about paying for TV shows like I Can’t Stop Masturbating. We’re getting rid of Foxtel when we move, no question about it. It also means the constant threat of Maggie Tabberer and Mike Hammond deleting units of my soul will be abolished.
3. Stools
May I clarify that this falls into the “things we’ll be able to buy” category, rather than the “things we’ll be able to do” category. My bowel movements are more consistent than Lavinia Nixon’s terrifying vacant stare into a land far, far away whenever she stumbles across a TV camera.
4. Living in the presence of a flesh-coloured spa
Obviously, a spa wasn’t on our must-have list when we were searching for a new house. But whaddya know? There’s a spa in our bathroom. At first I was proposing to my mates that we could have a drunken spa party, until everyone found out it was in the bathroom. The fact that it’s flesh-coloured also makes it a little dubious. My best mate dubbed it the “man-boiler” on the weekend, so the spa is going to be a little creepy, but… interesting, in a predatory way.
5. Being able to sleep without fear of a tiny part of Frankston opening up in our neighbour’s backyard
The two skanktastic girls who live next door mean well, but they have a habit of launching loud impromptu binge drinking festivals at 11pm on a Monday evening. They don’t seem to play a single drinking game – rather, there’s some sort of complex system in place where every single person is playing their own drinking game. A typical evening can involve a combination of any of the following:
- Who Wants to See if Their Body Can Support 3% Blood Alcohol Content?
- Lighting a Bonfire Under a Low-Hanging Tree Won’t Seem so Problematic If We Drink a Beer Every 10 Minutes
- Boonie on a Plane
- If I Play My Bass Guitar Loud Enough While I’m Sitting on My Amp, I’ll Eventually Climax
- Every Bacardi I Drink, I’m Pretty Sure I Can Sing a Little More Like Rihanna
How about you, had any good reasons to move house lately?
6 Responses to “Top Five Reasons We’re Moving House”
Is your new place in one of the better parts of Melbourne?
By Benko on Jan 5, 2009
Not only one of the better places, but we’re adopting seventeen children to go with it! ;)
By Jeb on Jan 5, 2009
Can’t wait to have a bath in your womb!
By Kate on Jan 5, 2009
I am so confused by all this talk of children and wombs! Is this one of those forcep and speculum parties the kids are all having?
By Cam on Jan 5, 2009
does water pouring through the ceiling count as a reason to move house?
By Charm on Jan 8, 2009
How bout ‘creepy guy on opposite balcony randomly films you while on own balcony, then stares you down when you notice’?
By Alto on Feb 10, 2009