We recently took out health insurance for the first time. Almost right on cue, my body began packing it in immediately.
Over the weekend, I began developing a pain in my back which I’d otherwise blame on having seen The Day The Earth Stood Still a few hours prior. However, I couldn’t recall physically exerting myself, it’s been the holidays after all! Over the next few days the pain grew to increasing levels until I could barely sit or lie down without sounding like Bruce Dickinson.
When I visited the doctor, he seemed to be making sure I knew he was WITHOUT QUESTION THE MOST INTELLIGENT PERSON IN THE ROOM.
Doctor: So, what do you do for a living?
Me: Just this IT kinda job.
Doctor: (snapping immediately) Information architecture or project deployment???
Me: (cautiously replying, wondering how this affects my back) Um, I’m … well, I’m more of a… vaguely, I’m an analyst?
Doctor: I see, and inwhatspecificfieldplease?????
Me: (baffled as to the relevance) What do you want me to say, I’m in some sort of IT/cagefighting combination role, and that’s how I did my back in?!
Turns out it wasn’t relevant, nor was it curious; he was just arrogant. The entire conversation consisted of him ensuring he either one-upped me, outwitted me – or when that failed, just attempted to terrify me.
Doctor: So you must have been working at this company for a long time, considering how bad your back is.
Me: No, actually, not long at all in the scheme of things.
Doctor: (needlessly slaps my oh-so-tender back violently) Well, this looks okay, I don’t have to pretend I’m checking for a collapsed lung now. Let’s move onto the next potentially deadly ailme– er, so… uh…. the weather, huh?
If you’re visiting doctors in Melbourne’s city, choose wisely, is all I can say!
Of course, after freshly taking out health insurance, the first thing I did was visit the dentist for the first time in eons. It seems my knack for choosing the worst possible practitioner followed me into this arena as well. There’s one particular phrase you don’t want to hear when it feels like a dentist is drilling what feels like the entire contents of Wikipedia transcribed onto your teeth, and that is:
Wild-eyed dentist: (stops mid-drill) OH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I forgot to tell you. You will need to claim your health insurance rebate from your insurer, we can’t rebate you on the spot today. BECAUSE THIS IS MY FIRST DAY EMPLOYED AS A DENTIST! OH HA HA HA HA HA HA.
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The most recent dentist I went to was recommended to me on the grounds that “he’s not one of those chatty twits. He’s good and quiet and just goes about his job”.
After a few minutes in his chair, I came to the conclusion that the reason for this is HE DOESN’T SPEAK ENGLISH VERY WELL AT ALL. The few things he did say I had to get him to repeat at least twice.
I think that’s how he got away with giving me two X-rays (at $75 each) to locate a cavity that I COULD SEE IN THE MIRROR.
Gosh, the allcaps are out today, aren’t they?
Writing again has reminded me HOW MUCH I LOVE ALL CAPS.
It reminds me a little bit of how UK tabloids CAPITALISE THE REALLY SCANDALOUS PARTS OF ARTICLES FOR NUMBNUTS WHO ARE SKIMMING THE PAGES looking for TITS.