The entire spectrum of every American emo band EVER barging into Australia simultaneously can only mean one thing. No, it’s not a sudden outbreak of perplexed xenophobia from Bruce Ruxton (although a collective of emo bands’ ghostly and sudden appearance in the country will no doubt provoke this). No, nothing like that – the Soundwave festival is here again!
Famous for being the summer festival in which you can actually win a complimentary meat tray if you somehow manage to identify an Australian act, it’s actually not all that bad as far as festivals go. There’s a number of my favourite hard rock bands playing, so I thought I’d list my pick of the bunch. Then, just in case you’re not so interested in heavy music, I will equate each of my recommended bands to an equivalent dessert treat.
Innerpartysystem
Imagine if Lady Gaga was held against her will by Damon Albarn in a loft built entirely from crystal, in a regrettable real estate transaction made at his self-indulgent worst. In an artistic rage, he bellows that she can only be released once she’s composed a song for the next Gorillaz album that will reach the top 20. After months of failing to impress Damon and beginning to consume her own waste for nourishment, she injects amphetamines then eventually composes a wildly random series of repetitive samples. In weary frustration, Damon spits out some vague lyrics about partying so they can finally get the fucking job done and Lady Gaga can be released into the wild. The result is Innerpartysystem.
Recommended taster: Last Night in Brooklyn
Dessert equivalent: Ice cream cake laced with ketamine.
Rival Schools
They’re one of the best grungey hardcore bands from earlier in the decade that you never heard of. They reformed last year to a collective bout of bewilderment, and a bit of suspicion. Features all sorts of big names from all sorts of awesome 90s hardcore bands, which collapses into sheer hilarity when you read further down their biography and realise their members have since been playing in bands such as Limp Bizkit and whatever that dude from Bush went off to do when Gwen Stefani started yelling at him to stop skulking around the house. Don’t get me wrong, their sole album is one of my all time favourites… worth attending for the sheerly epic and brilliant grungey hardcore, but mostly for the opportunity to yell and demand where their DJ with the black contact lenses is. I hope you know I’m a chainsaw, I’ll skin your ass raw! Etc, etc.
Recommended taster: Used for Glue
Dessert equivalent: Jelly slice. Concept is delightful, but may have aged beyond interest.
Every Time I Die
These guys command my upmost respect. On their latest album, they’ve turned a growingly weary hardcore genre into something entirely their own – hardcore sleazy Southern blues. Their album The Big Dirty absolutely oozes danger, and I’m gagging to see how they swagger live. Also, anyone who poses with a gigantic fucking snake like that is hardcore. I don’t care what you say.
Recommended taster: We’rewolf
Dessert equivalent: The worst pavlova you’ve ever eaten, inexplicably laced with chilli, but forcedly eaten under gunpoint from one of King’s Cross’ finest. For some reason.
Dillinger Escape Plan
Compose a will before you see them. These dudes eat thunder and shit lightning. Their combination of technical skill and apparent overconsumption of uppers makes for a mind-blowing show. Although their latest album has taken a swift left turn and travelled into something more suited to their singer’s uncanny audio likeness to Mike Patton, it’s all genius. There’s even some elements of jazz tossed around in there – really worth researching before you see them live. Beware, however: the singer has infamously taken a dump on-stage at a UK festival, bellowing “You’ll see a lot of shit on stage today, so here’s some more,” before gracefully tossing his poop into the crowd. HOTTT.
Recommended taster: Panasonic Youth
Dessert equivalent: You think you’re getting one of those gigantic 1 litre tubs of banana-flavoured Yogo you drooled over as a kid all to yourself. The only problem is that right as you taste that first delicious mouthful, the tub is whisked away from you and Danny Green wallops you in the chops while singing jazz-scat.
36 Crazyfists
Admission: I have possibly the biggest metal-crush on 36 Crazyfists’ singer, Brock Lindow, that I’ve ever had. He personally replied at length to an email I sent him years and years ago, and won my heart! There was a shocking scenario a few months ago when he started growing a homeless-chic beard, but he thankfully seems to have shed that. He has a rather unique singing style which really works, and I’m actually a little surprised they’re not bigger than they are. Anyway, I’ll be the dude on stage being dragged off by security for trying to throw a jockstrap on Brock’s head – I’ve never been able to see them live in their previous Australian tours, so this will be a festival highlight for me.
Recommended taster: Bloodwork (so much Brocky goodness in that clip, plus it’s one of the few songs I can play with remote competence on my bass)
Dessert equivalent: A wedding cake. With two miniture dudes on the top. Kissing. And stuff. LEAVE ME ALONE, I LOVE HIM
Billy Talent
As one of my mates keeps describing them, they’re what Green Day really should be nowadays. Billy Talent spend a lot of careful time crafting pefect punk anthems before releasing an album, and almost every song is killer. That said, I was dismayed to discover how emo they actually are when I last saw them live, and witnessed such crowd banter as “Guys, when you’re feeling sad, just remember… we’re there for you.” WHY THANKS! I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE VOLUNTEERING AT THE LOCAL LIFELINE CENTRE. Overlook the fact that “control-alt-delete it” is a lyric in one of their songs, and you’re onto a festival winner that everyone’ll love the first time they hear ‘em. Guaranteed to go enormous with one of their next albums.
Recommended taster: Red Flag
Dessert equivalent: Beetroot gelato. Sounds bad in theory, but take the plunge and you may just like it.
In Flames
These fellas seem to split opinion wherever they go… the old fans love the old death metal stuff, the new fans love the new melodic stuff… I fall into the latter camp, but these guys are one of my favourite metal bands around today. Pretty bad that I won’t be able to see them OR their sideshow due to playing time and gig conflicts, but they’ll be back. Read any of their interviews for spot-on impersonations of Grumpy Smurf trying to make it in the music business – they’ve been doing their time to “make it” for almost 20 years now, and boy can they be bitter!
Recommended taster: Come Clarity (one of their less heavy tracks, but such a beautiful song. Please don’t laugh out loud when you see a guy playing an electric guitar to the audio of an acoustic)
Dessert equivalent: A snot-block, neglected at the back of a school canteen for the past 200 years.
Alkaline Trio
I feel like I should have every right to bag Alkaline Trio, but they’re simply too skilled at songwriting, and such witty lyricists. You’ll have a good time seeing these guys – pretend Robert Smith has converted to Satanism and you’re on the right track. Something to be said about a band that can get everyone waving their hands in the air to suicidal whinging. You’ll also witness the phenomenon of goths in the audience attempting to get away with wearing sandals in summer weather, fearful that they’ll be disqualified from gothmanity if spotted.
Recommended taster: Mercy Me
Dessert equivalent: The blackest of black pudding, albeit with a developed sense of self-conciousness and lack of inner monolgoue.
Nine Inch Nails
Do you have an uncle who visits at Christmas who’s just learnt something like Windows Movie Maker and won’t stop banging on about it? Then drunkenly attempts to put up Christmas lights and ends up running around, entangled in them like some piece of high school certificate modern art, stumbling over saucepans? Then drops his laptop in the toilet by accident in a bout of senility and yells at nobody in particular? Let’s face it, that’s Trent Reznor lately, but it’ll still be fucking brilliant.
Recommended taster: oh, take your pick. Isn’t this why we’re all really going?
Dessert equivalent: being stuck in hospital and expecting custard after your meal, but getting only two pre-packaged Arnott’s Nice biscuits. Then having the morphine kick in while the flouroscent light in the room starts flickering.
That’s it. I’ll see you at the Melbourne festival if you’re going along!
{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }
i’ll take my two arnotts nice biscuits and be entirely happy thank you…