The Stupidest Retail Outlets in My End of the City

Hope everyone in Melbourne survived the minor earthquake on Friday night without any problems, and nobody was getting their genitals pierced or tattoos inked at the time. Just can’t help but fret that someone, somewhere, underwent a horrible body modification experience with unexpected earthquake-induced consequences…

It’s a public holiday here today, so most of the shops around here are closed. Which suits me fine, seeing as the local economy of Port Melbourne seems to run singularly on day spas and tanning salons. But it’s not just these retail outlets that drive me irrationally insane – so, just in case you thought you needed to step into the 3207 postcode region any time soon, here’s my…

Top Three Port Melbourne Stores Which Drive Me Irrationally Crackers

3. What to do when every other store on the street has upped the wanky organic/premium/gourmet scale, but you’re a mere chemist doling out cold and flu tablets? Become a wanky and exclusive “compounding pharmacy”. One of these exist down the bottom of Bay Street, and allege to differentiate themselves by individually tailoring health packages to your individual needs. All I see are cash vampires flinging overpriced moisturiser around. Of particular amusement is a gigantic sign in the store, bellowing “NO PHARMACEUTICAL BENEFITS ARE RECOGNISED BY THIS CHEMIST”. In other words: get out, lower-class scum.

2. My rage against this particular retail outlet perplexes me, but I rage nonetheless. There’s a shop in Port Melbourne which sells balloons, and that’s pretty much it. IT DRIVES ME FUCKING INSANE. Their over-enthusiastic balloon displays for every minor calendar event from St Patrick’s Day to Prince Harry dropping another racist remark make me want to set my own pubic hair on fire in protest. I refuse to believe the owners are nothing other than painfully twee 40-something suburban overweight fans of Desperate Housewives, who rush home to scrapbook the monthly exploits of their poodle; then one evening decided it would be SUCH A GAS to run a store full of PRETTY BALLOONS AND ALL THE CUSTOMERS WOULD BE SO HAPPY AND PONIES AND UNICORNS EEEEEE! Come to think of it, their original retail venture was probably a fucking scrapbooking supplies store. With any luck, they’ll hook up some nitrous to the helium tank, take up a drug habit, and get out of the suburb with their fucking balloons.

I told you it was irrational!

1. The goddamn stupidest shop in Port Melbourne is easily a mob known as FatZap. I’ll let their website explain it all:

“…FatZap™  zaps away fat and cellulite from the body and face for both men and women without surgery, knives or injections.”

The premise is that you visit this FatZap place and they use a magical wand to ZAP THE FAT AWAY! Given their run-ins with pharmaceutical advertising regulators, it seems their product offering is a little tenuous. As far as I can tell from customers on various forums on the web, the treatment just dehydrates you – they make a lot of noise about making sure you drink enough water before you attend for treatment.

This has resulted in their advertising breaches reducing their product claims down to hilarious testimonials on their website, such as:

“Since starting at gym a year ago I could see my body toning up and becoming more define, but some places you just cant lose fat, your neck! I have a little bit of fat around my neck that makes me feel a little uncomfortable with my appearance.”

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

*breathes*

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

If NECK FAT is the number one worry in your life, then goddamn get your arse down to Fatzap stat, they’re waiting for suckers like you with open arms here in Port Melbourne…

Tagged as: Advertising, Fitness, Port Melbourne, Shops