More Boycotts

This stupid blog turns 10 years old today. Hard to believe I’ve been posting such rubbish for so long, but there you go.

To mark the occasion, I’ve compiled a new list of everything I’ve boycotted on this blog since my last boycotts post. READ AND LEARN.

Friends who mock your painful foot blisters
Boycott started: January 17, 2001
“Your feet just are just reacting to the altitude – I mean, they’re usually above your head.”

General abandonment of the word “boosies” by society
Boycott started: January 27, 2001
It really would be a shame to lose this word to history.

The Olympics torch ceremony
Boycott started: January 27, 2001
Why should they claim the concept of torch ceremonies as their own? We need more torch ceremonies.

Using Ride of the Valkyries as your ringtone
Boycott started: January 28, 2001
Slightly loses its dramatic impact in polyphonic form.

Your boyfriend wearing a polo shirt to a metal concert
Boycott started: January 28, 2001
Ride the Lightning polo shirts don’t exist for a reason.

The film Coyote Ugly
Boycott started: January 29, 2001
How are we supposed to describe this? “It’s like Cocktail, but more sexual”? “It’s like 21 Jump Street, but in a pub”?

Virgin Mobile stores
Boycott started: February 4, 2001
Virgin Mobile stores generally look like the reception area for a futuristic bordello of robot prostitutes.

The remote possibility that All Together Now could be revived
Boycott started: February 6, 2001
Be alert, not alarmed.

Moving into an apartment complex, then having the drug squad land in a helicopter the following evening to arrest your neighbour
Boycott started: February 21, 2001
Welcome to the neighbourhood!

The misguided belief that you’ll actually find somewhere to sit at Tropfest
Boycott started: February 26, 2001
You’re more likely to find a women’s portal website without horoscopes and diet tips.

Gay people declaring most celebrities are probably gay
Boycott started: February 26, 2001
You’re equally as correct as your stoned friend who is convinced everyone on TV is stoned too.

Unexpected Mardi Gras audience participation
Boycott started: March 5, 2001
But I don’t want to hit your dominatrix girlfriend!

Most Deftones songs about girls
Boycott started: March 7, 2001
They’re so brilliant, yet when it comes to singing about women, we get off songs with lyrics like “when you’re ripe, you’ll bleed out of control”. Menstruationcore, indeed.

Accidentally using Glen 20 as cooking oil
Boycott started: March 11, 2001
Smells so delicious and fragrant, tastes so… chemical-esque.

Having a wet sneeze right before you enter a job interview, but failing to locate where the projectile landed
Boycott started: March 20, 2001
Is it on your face? Is it on your clothes somewhere? You have five seconds to find out!

Any non-Price Is Right gameshow hosted by Larry Emdur
Boycott started: April 11, 2001
Oh, Larry… some of us still haven’t forgotten Cash Bonanza and your cowboy costume.

Westfield Shopping Centre layouts
Boycott started: April 11, 2001
Apparently designed by anarchist architects.

“ARIA Award winner!” stickers on CD covers
Boycott started: April 15, 2001
When this sticker begins appearing on Hampton the Hampster Presents: Hampsterdance, The Album!, I begin losing faith in the accolade.

Any members of a “Friends of the Botanical Gardens” society
Boycott started: April 26, 2001
Slightly too much flora-based knowledge, bordering on the sexual.

The Wombles
Boycott started: April 26, 2001
Those bloody Wombles were terrifying when I was a kid! Fortunately, they also looked rather flammable.

Melissa Tkautz
Boycott started: April 26, 2001
When you have an onamatapaeic surname representing someone’s career sputtering to an end, don’t bother trying in the first place.

Fiona Horne
Boycott started: April 30, 2001
Jesus Christ, will you stop banging on about wicca for just one minute?

Thinking that you’re wearing corduroy pants, then realising the noise is coming from your naked thighs
Boycott started: May 8, 2001
Time to lay off the beer…

A general lack of blokey handwash products
Boycott started: May 20, 2001
Passionfruit Gentle Handwash? This is no soap for a man!

Ridiculous dance music subgenres
Boycott started: June 3, 2001
I don’t know if you’re listening to beats, deep house, groove house, commercial house, and I rather don’t care.

The Gladiators Atlaspheres
Boycott started: June 11, 2001
It just feels like they’re being put to waste now that Gladiators seems to have been cancelled again. I’m certain we can put them to sensible domestic use.

Any online job advertisement which features multiple excalamation marks in the title
Boycott started: June 16, 2001
Writing it as “SANDWICH HAND!!!!!” doesn’t make it any more exciting.

Axl Rose’s bike pants
Boycott started: June 17, 2001
Capable of powering a nuclear reactor.

Playing the Michael Jackson Lyric and Acceptance Speech Challenge
Boycott started: June 24, 2001
This involves talking in only in Michael Jackson lyrics and acceptance speeches until one of you breaks. It’s harder than it looks. For example, if I wanted Adam to get me a beer, I’d sing ‘Heal my thirst… make it a better place…’ and he’d reply ‘Oh, I will, and… (tittering giggle) I would like to thank all the children… I love you all… (choked back sob)’. Ad nauseum.

Having your bourbon arrive with a straw in it
Boycott started: July 1, 2001
It’s an assault to my masculinity! I don’t care what you say!

Trying to enter Surry Hills Shopping Centre without being accosted by junkies
Boycott started: July 8, 2001
It’s not entirely dissimilar to playing the Gauntlet game from Gladiators. Except if you’ve raped all the Gladiators’ partners beforehand and slain their children.

Troy Dann’s Outback Adventures
Boycott started: July 8, 2001
Quite possibly the direct antonym of intellectualism.

Weeks that involve little more than absorbing Pringles and Channel 10
Boycott started: July 16, 2001
Unemployment – not your friend.

Having to catch a monorail to work
Boycott started: July 17, 2001
One of the most depressing things in the world.

Office employees who are overly vocal about having mastered all the settings on the office coffee machine
Boycott started: July 31, 2001
This is no more impressive than knowing all the dance moves to Paula Abdul’s Opposites Attract music video.

Alerting shop staff to a thief stealing biscuits
Boycott started: August 2, 2001
Screaming “HE’S GOT ICED VO-VOS!” in terror seems like a bad idea in retrospect.

Severe arm cramps
Boycott started: August 5, 2001
Frequently more painful than Doug Mulray’s Naughtiest Home Videos.

Crackpot eye specialists who think the best way to assist a child’s blindness in one eye, is to make them wear a patch on their working eye
Boycott started: August 19, 2001
Or perhaps the only way they can conceive joy is by seeing infants blundering around, walking into walls.

War veterans teaching you to touch type as a child
Boycott started: September 1, 2001
Especially when they scream at you to “keep your hands on the home keys” with crazy eyes.

CC’s corn chips
Boycott started: September 9, 2001
“I can’t say no” sounds awfully threatening to me, buddy. I challenge you, and your full-on flavoured corn crunch!

The direct correlation between decreasing intelligence in department store staff, the higher a floor they work on
Boycott started: September 16, 2001
From commando-strength cosmestic sales staff on the ground floor, to unshaven stoners draped randomly around the furniture department on the sixth floor.

Conversationalists in elevators
Boycott started: September 16, 2001
Elevators should be an intellectual Bermuda Triangle – keep them that way.

The Life Be In It EarthBall™
Boycott started: September 18, 2001
These gigantic, inflatable balls were great fun when you were a kid… until they started rumbling towards you down a hill, Temple of Doom-style.

Thai food
Boycott started: October 17, 2001
Just like male porn stars, it’s delicious, but much too greasy.

Mystery shopping
Boycott started: October 21, 2001
Being forced to visit three Hungry Jacks outlets in one night, and eat at all of them? I deserve a higher reward than mere dysyntary.

Unknown liquid hitting your head as you walk down the street
Boycott started: October 28, 2001
Sure, it could be water. But what if it’s PETROL?

Shopping centres in perfectly round buildings
Boycott started: October 28, 2001
Especially when they repeatedly refer to themselves as a “shopping circle” rather than a “shopping centre”.

Taxi drivers’ theories on the September 11 attacks
Boycott started: November 2, 2001
“Well, Mel Gibson making all them violent movies can’t have helped things, can it? All them explosion movies and terrorist movies?”

Melbourne Cup hat fashion
Boycott started: November 14, 2001
Garment or watertrough? You decide!

Calling something a “studio” in order to make something sound more extravagant than it actually is
Boycott started: November 14, 2001
This even works around your own home. Try calling your toilet the “defecation studio” for a while.

Not realising how loudly you’re singing along to Beck on your MP3 player
Boycott started: December 3, 2001
Belting out “LIKE A GIANT DILDO CRUSHING THE SUN! WHOA-OH-OH!” in public – not such a great idea.

Fox Studios Theme Park, Sydney
Boycott started: December 13, 2001
The Titanic “ride” was easily recreated at home by sitting in a cardboard box, having someone push you around a bit, set alight then hastily extinguished with a sprinkler hose on a mist setting. Other pant-shittingly exciting attractions ascended to the lofty heights of “The Home and Away Diner: The Experience”.

Sea World
Boycott started: December 13, 2001
How do they get away with serving fish and chips at the dolphin stunt show?

Being asked at the checkout if you have a FlyBuys card
Boycott started: February 2, 2002
The precise reason the Coles group is synonymous with inciting homicide.

Being uncertain if you’re supposed to be in Generation X or Y
Boycott started: May 14, 2002
On one hand, I like grunge; but on the other, I also have the attention span of a Pokemon character.

Any food which arrives in packaging that prominently features all three primary colours
Boycott started: April 17, 2002
This is never good news for your arteries.

The liberal interpretation of permissible activies in gay bar toilets
Boycott started: May 13, 2002
Apparently, not only taking a slash, but also gargling someone else’s testicles.

Leatherman brand army knives
Boycott started: May 16, 2002
Sure, they’re a great tool. But the brand name is so, so gay.

The uniformity of most early 90s dance songs
Boycott started: May 20, 2002
Every single dance song from this era starts with a female belting out “Whoa-ohhh-ohh-ohh-ohh”, and includes a sped-up sample of someone yelling “DJ in the house and the music pumps like this”.

The Church of Scientology’s free personality tests
Boycott started: June 11, 2002
Aren’t free personality tests supposed to be exclusively conducted on LiveJournal?

Consumer Electronics Shows
Boycott started: June 22, 2002
LG, we’ve all seen your goddamn internet fridge by now.

Minimalist store interiors on Oxford Street, Darlinghurst
Boycott started: June 30, 2002
Are you a record store or a sex club? I don’t know! Wahhh!

Adam’s determination to eat every animal featured on any Australian national or state crest
Boycott started: August 2, 2002
Again: wahhh!

Bar staff strongly suggesting they should receive a tip
Boycott started: August 13, 2002
I am not here to subsidise your drug-fucked customers!

Minimalist nightclub toilets
Boycott started: August 13, 2002
They look cool, but what’s the use of a giant, featureless glass room where you’re not even sure where you’re supposed to pee, let alone take a dump?

Plastic chairs which produce deafening barks whenever they’re moved across the floor
Boycott started: August 23, 2002
Doesn’t make for seamless dinner conversation. “Oh, let me just pass that over to y– BAAAAAAARK”

R-rated porn
Boycott started: October 21, 2002
Someone vaguely masturbating behind a heavily frosted shower door? It can only mean one thing!

Sky News Channel
Boycott started: November 6, 2002
Known in the industry as “that big newsdesk in the sky”.

Fabulon
Boycott started: February 2, 2003
Although it’s a spray-on ironing aid, it sounds like the stuff drag queens are constructed from.

Jerking off to Mariah Carey during your teenage years in an attempt to “turn yourself straight”
Boycott started: February 23, 2003
Well, that worked out well, didn’t it?

MacGuyver-style pasta strainers
Boycott started: March 4, 2003
Adam once used an old tshirt to strain pasta, in the absence of an actual strainer.

People thinking there’s something wrong with getting drunk, wearing a gas mask, and sitting in my living room yelling back at Fox News presenters
Boycott started: March 21, 2003
It’s MY HOUSE! I’LL DO WHAT I LIKE

Adam’s constant mispronounciation of the Melbourne suburb Prahran
Boycott started: July 25, 2003
Somehow, calling it “Prarn” makes it even gayer than it already is.

Realising that your dentist doesn’t have any certifications on her wall, during a particularly bloody treatment
Boycott started: May 10, 2004
Just for my own peace of mind, I’d have even settled for a dental certificate she made herself in Microsoft Publisher with some ridiculously inappropriate clip art.

Krav Maga
Boycott started: January 14, 2005
This Israeli martial art generally involves using any nearby furniture to beat the shit out of someone else. This is the opposite of Ikea, so I’m forced to oppose it as part of my homo contract.

Mr Muscle
Boycott started: January 18, 2005
This cleaning product apparently “loves the jobs you hate”. Such as what? Returning DVDs to Blockbuster? Going to work? Cunnilingus?

Burgo’s Catchphrase
Boycott started: January 31, 2005
The only gameshow where the correct answer to a badly animated picture of a chicken hatching from an egg, was something like “mayonnaise on my nipple”.

Daniel Johns getting buff
Boycott started: January 31, 2005
It’s entirely wrong, but I think I like it a litle. Wahhhhhhh.

Niplashes
Boycott started: February 3, 2005
You know, those wispy hairs you get around your nipples. Like eyelashes. But for your nipples. Are we supposed to shave them? SOMEONE TELL ME

The sexy homeless
Boycott started: February 4, 2005
I want to take you home, give you a shower and a shave, then some “special assistance”! But will if you’re actually a crafty junkie and will nick my stuff when I’m not looking? Stupid, sexy homeless.

Light cheese options
Boycott started: February 6, 2005
Cheese slices are readily available in Regular, Light and Extra Light. Why on earth would you purchase Light over Extra Light? Can you really not make the full commitment?

Fitness First city gym classes
Boycott started: February 6, 2005
The classes resemble Tokyo subways and usually descend into slapstick ridiculousness. When you’ve got four hundred yuppies packed into a small cube, and the instructor is desperately pleading with everyone to “kick higher! HIGHER!” …at least four people end up with mild concussion to the head.

Jelly shot glasses
Boycott started: February 12, 2005
These things don’t seem to be constructed from jelly, so much as the gunk which helps Spam slide out of a can. Terrifyingly, the expiry date for these is over three years in the future. Do you really want to put something in your mouth which has a strong chance of outliving Bob Hawke?

That period of Today when they allowed a dog to wander around on the set
Boycott started: February 24, 2005
Admit it – you were really trying everything against Sunrise back then, weren’t you?

The captain on the Flight Centre ads
Boycott started: March 14, 2005
He looks like he’s just been busted in a toilet cubicle with one of the air stewards halfway to Fiji or something. Don’t let this fucker of your sight or he’ll slip his hand down the back of your pants while you’re innocently perusing travel brochures.

Gay Gay Bashing
Boycott started: March 14, 2005
My boyfriend harbours a secret desire to bash straight homophobes, then loudly inform them they’ve literally been gay-bashed.

Any Footy Show panellist endeavouring to bumble their way through hosting a non-sports program
Boycott started: March 17, 2005
Combining a Logie with a Brownlow doesn’t convert it into a magical pussy magnet, I’m afraid. Don’t bother, fellas.

Playboy TV’s Sex Court
Boycott started: April 10, 2005
A porn version of Judge Judy which transcends trashy to the point of high comedy, where the guilty party of a crime such as “he doesn’t give me head!” usually receives a sentence involving topless lapdances on a king-size bed, which appears out of nowhere in the middle of the courtroom. Justice… sexy justice.

Whores in song lyrics
Boycott started: April 15, 2005
Why are whores in songs always dirty – why can’t singers pen lines like “I met a whore, she was kind of clean and nice”?

Any pub in Newtown, Sydney, during happy hour
Boycott started: April 21, 2005
You’ll play witness to the true scum of Newtown rising up from the underground, reinstituting the six o’clock swill with a manic energy which is entirely at contrast to the amount of debilitating drugs they’ve already smoked all day.

Triatheletes
Boycott started: April 27, 2005
Ever met a triathelete who didn’t make you want to scream like Jeannie Little out of sheer boredom? EXACTLY

Thinking you’ve found 15 abandoned leather jackets on the beach
Boycott started: May 3, 2005
THEN REALISING IT’S JUST OLD PEOPLE SUNBAKING.

Anyone under the impression that their iPod is powered by centrifugal force
Boycott started: May 3, 2005
Stop waving that bloody thing around on public transport.

Friends who buy high-end digital cameras, holiday in French Polynesia, take a handful of photos, come home and publish five pohtography books of their photos through a vanity publishing service, then claim it all as tax deductible
Boycott started: May 8, 2005
What a prick!

The choir who over-enthusiastically belts out Forty Winks jingles
Boycott started: May 14, 2005
You know, the mob who start chanting “ONLY! FOR! 48! HOURS!” and the like. I’ve actually suffered nightmares where the Forty Winks choir followed me around town, providing a stream-of-conciousness commentary on my activities.

Anyone who’s just discovered the advanced features of PowerPoint
Boycott started: May 14, 2005
Did each letter of the heading on that slide really need to swivel in individually, with metallic sun-orange 3D perspective Impact font, and a “swoosh” noise as each letter flew onto the screen?

Fitness First
Boycott started: June 5, 2005
I have to return to the gym I originally signed up at to quit? Even though it’s interstate? May you die of starjump-induced herpes!

Penrith Plaza’s cult-like warning signs
Boycott started: June 20, 2005
Plastered throughout this shopping centre:
The Penrith Plaza Code of Conduct
1. Respect others.
2. Respect yourself.
3. Respect the Plaza.
(Or what?)

The Testeagles continuing to play gigs
Boycott started: June 25, 2005
WHY.

The music video to Neneh Cherry’s Buffalo Stance
Boycott started: July 2, 2005
She’s dancing in front of a Windows 3.1 screensaver, with the word “Gigolo” randomly appearing in (appropriately) native Windows 3.1 fonts all over the screen. HILARIOUS. ACTIVATE NENEH CHERRY MARQUEE SCREENSAVER GIGOLO MAXIMUM BUFFALO STANCE!!

Dave Navarro
Boycott started: July 12, 2005
His beard seems to have evolved and begun producing facial hair-based STDs all on its own.

Sydney’s Kinokuniya bookstore
Boycott started: July 23, 2005
10% discount on any purchase if you can PRONOUNCE THE FREAKING NAME.

Drag queens undertaking a Totally Wild-based drinking game
Boycott started: August 2, 2005
I actually saw this at a pub in Sydney. Terrifying, yet inspirational, at 4.30pm in an afternoon.

Sultana M&Ms
Boycott started: August 20, 2005
Proactive boycott, just in case they ever exist in the future.

Liquorland’s tiny “Express” stores
Boycott started: August 23, 2005
Their tiny selection of alcohol is accompanied by signs of political-strength spin: “Streamlined selection for easy purchasing!”

Pepsi Samba
Boycott started: September 28, 2005
For a few months, Pepsi worked out a way to bottle the taste of metrosexuality.

Flustered reality TV contestants destroying the English language
Boycott started: October 10, 2005
“I’m pumped up with maletosterone!”

Jetstar
Boycott started: October 16, 2005
Unless you like being strapped to a chair and having ransom money demanded with a knife to your throat, if you’re mere seconds late to board one of their flights.

Pretty much any team name in the A-League
Boycott started: October 29, 2005
All the team names sound like they’re fictional soccer teams from gay soccer-fantasy porn movies. OH YES! PERTH GLORY! UNFFFH! MELBOURNE VICTORY! HARDER!

Plunger coffee
Boycott started: January 3, 2006
To sip at a mug of plunger brew is to ingest the ozone-tinged fumes of a CityRail Tangara train carriage in molten hot liquid form.

Coke Zero’s “social media” launch
Boycott started: January 3, 2006
Someone with a bad ponytail was probably screaming out random buzzwords like “BLOG!”, “MYSPACE!”, and “HAPPYSLAP!” to an advertising agency.

A trance version of The Screaming Jets’ Better
Boycott started: January 9, 2006
I remain vaguely concerned this will eventuate some day.

The lack of Beasts of Bourbon cover bands
Boycott started: January 15, 2006
So many wasted naming opportunities! “Beats of Bourbon”! “Beasts of Bacardi”!

Politically shouty bands getting busted secretly writing songs for girl bands
Boycott started: January 31, 2006
In:surge, I’m looking at you and your Bardot royalty cheques.

Any store which names themselves after the font used in their logo
Boycott started: March 27, 2006
Of note: Quick Brown Fox clothing stores, a hairdresser named Curlz in Melbourne, and various other shockers.

Weis Bars containing citrus fruit
Boycott started: March 29, 2006
So delicious – but for someone with a citrus allergy, kinda like playing Russian roulette with an automatic.

Manholes
Boycott started: October 16, 2008
You just never know when one of those bastards could unexpectedly open up underneath you.

The Atari Lynx “portable” console
Boycott started: October 25, 2008
AKA the only portable console big enough to club a German Shepherd to death with.

Tagged as: Self-Referential Wank, Threats