From the monthly archives:

April 2009

Why You Shouldn’t Let Drug Dealers Handle Your Financial Affairs

April 29, 2009

Have you ever noticed how all “addicts” in those “OH GOD DON’T BECOME AN ADDICT OR YOUR FACE WILL BECOME PREGNANT AND YOU’LL IMPLODE” scare campaign ads look exactly the same? It doesn’t even matter what the addiction is – drugs, gambling, chronic masturbation, using Microsoft Publisher to create fuchsia-heavy signage – all the “addict” [...]

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Trapdance

April 26, 2009

My boyfriend has recently been inflicting an abhorrent form of mental warfare. Whenever he’s doing his absolute best to shit me, out comes this slow rumble:
“Heads… shoulders… knees and toes…. knees… and… toes….”
That’s all it takes for the goddamn song to be stuck in my head all day. Just like any good torturer (he has [...]

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Big Bother

April 22, 2009

Reading about the recent shenanigans of Big Brother’s Mike Goldman has got me thinking about an old job I used to have. Many, many years ago I was a “talent” manager for the evicted housemates on Big Brother. On paper, that was supposed to involve high-profile endorsement deals and media appearances; but usually consisted of [...]

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Backdraft 2: Revenge of the Electric Blanket

April 21, 2009

I’m one of those kids who grew up in the fearless 80s with both an electric blanket and an occasional bed-wetting problem. Hey, I turned out okay! My parents even refused to replace my Target-brand electric blanket when it began exposing raw wires, assuring me “it’ll be right”.
Perhaps it’s the childhood comfort of climbing into [...]

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Paranoid Adenoid

April 15, 2009

All my life, I’ve had problems with my nose. It constantly runs, intermittently feels like my nostrils’ breathing passages have sealed over, and often talk like I’ve got my nose pinched. People think I’m just doing my best impression of Placebo’s Brian Molko most of the time.
Sexy, I know.
But it’s just something I’ve learnt to [...]

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Media Watch: The Video Game

April 14, 2009

My love of Media Watch seems to border on the sexual. The vitriol, the hypocrisy, the ongoing battles against familiar targets… it seems to be the stuff of video games. In fact, I’d gladly buy a Media Watch Fighter II video game! Just think about the possible characters in the game…

Playable Characters:

Jonathan Holmes
After comforting you [...]

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My Drunk Boyfriend Explains the Internet in 2015

April 10, 2009

Last night:
Me: That national broadband network announcement is brilliant, hey?
Adam: Huh? I didn’t see anything.
Me: The government’s installing a fibre-to-the-home network across the country.
Adam: Oh, what a load of rubbish.
Me: What are you talking about? That’s the best outcome we could have hoped for!
Adam: You watch, it’ll all be outdated by the time it’s installed.
Me: [...]

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Spice Me Up

April 7, 2009

Just like Grant Bowler’s pectoral muscles, my palate is getting spicier as time goes by (seriously, have you seen him in Outrageous Fortune? This is not the weedy guy who hosted The Mole any more!)
You couldn’t get anyone more adverse to hot, spicy food than me a few years ago. Then I accidentally consumed some [...]

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The Terror of Green Energy

April 4, 2009

Our mate Ken lives in the same suburb as Adam and I, so we always get any advance warning if door-to-door salesmen are hitting the local area. They always seem to hit his end of town first, so he’s always quick to send us a warning of utility contract vampires on the prowl.
Warnings are definitely [...]

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Music Genres That Homos Should Claim As Their Own, IMMEDIATELY

April 2, 2009

The world’s current financial regurgitation has caused me to notice that everyone’s too bloody distracted to pay attention to whimisical matters at present. So, I’ve been concocting a plan.
For too long, us gay folk have only lorded over the kind of dance music that perms hair through audio power alone. Disco is also a long-captured [...]

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