Music Genres That Homos Should Claim As Their Own, IMMEDIATELY

The world’s current financial regurgitation has caused me to notice that everyone’s too bloody distracted to pay attention to whimisical matters at present. So, I’ve been concocting a plan.

For too long, us gay folk have only lorded over the kind of dance music that perms hair through audio power alone. Disco is also a long-captured prisoner-of-war of us homos, too. But it’s time to branch out (page 582 of the Gay Agenda commands it!)

Fellow gays, the time is perfect to sneak in and snatch another musical genre of our own, while nobody’s looking! Or, even better, invent something entirely new that the rest of the world suddenly thinks they should have been listening to three months ago! There’s an easy measure of success, too: just wait a month and see if despondent models have begun soullessly wandering around looking for their methadone treatment, to a soundtrack of your music, on Foxtel’s Fashion TV channel.

Thus, I present: New and Existing Musical Genres Us Homos Should Claim As Our Own IMMEDIATELY.

Tkautzcore

The combined past, present and future recordings of anything Melissa Tkautz has ever had the misfortune of committing to record, mashed up with the themes from Pacific Drive and E Street played backwards. All percussion is beatboxed, heavily featuring Ms. Tkautz’s name (ie “Ooonse Tkautz Ooonse Tkautz Ooonse Tkautz”). Promote her as the new Kylie which Australia undemocratically forgot, confuse everyone into compliance and you’re onto the next underground club hit.

Okay, I admit it, Melissa’s getting a mention here because I’ll never get past this Read My Lips lyric: “If you want to wait ’til later/Hands off my detonator!” Long have been the days until someone challenges me to a mid-street rap battle, and I can throw that gem in as if it’s one of my own.

Breakfast Metal

This has long been a genre idea of my own, and there’s no reason it can’t be embraced as the gay community’s own. This would be a specific type of metal celebrating the delicious crunch and nutritional value of breakfast foods, primarily played in the morning. The added bonus of the homos claiming this genre is that your average citizen will wake up, put some breakfast metal on, then ponder by association: “Hmm, the gays. I sure wouldn’t mind some cock for breakfast this morning!” Some genius rebranding sees VitaWheats being crunched up and snorted at day clubs around Darlinghurst.

Nu-Oompah

Let’s face it, there’s something undeniably erotic about oompah. Combine that with some new and revolutionary sound (say, trapping a wailing Angus & Julia Stone inside a steel cube with a bunch of steak knives and nudging them down an escalator) and you’re already onto the kind of music that will accompany “Teens Out Of Control” stories on Today Tonight.

Uplifting Car Advertisement Trance

Okay, if those advertising industry bastards think they’ve got this down pat, let’s claim it as our own. Your average Uplifting Car Advertisement Trance group will be made up of a bunch of vaguely ethnic monk-chanters, fifteen timpani players, a DJ, keyboard player who only has the ability to play in flourishes, and an MP3 file of Clubbed to Death to play as every second song. Everyone will have shaved heads, glasses and the mannerism of a fey twat in honour of the genre’s visionary leader, Moby.

Adult Contemporary

This one is ripe for the picking, right when everyone least expects it. The likes of Vanessa Amarossi, Jenny Morris and Vika & Linda will suddenly be thrust from the gallows of morning television into the throbbing, pulsing clubs of Darlinghurst – with their music strangely, disturbingly untouched. Everyone else will have a moment similar to the “oh god, we’re supposed to ENJOY the output of Australian Idol?” similar to what we all experienced in 2003, but rolled with it anyway.

Juntry

This genre sounds just dirty enough to describe some horrific gay sex act that the slackjawed A Current Affair-watching public would be terrified to realise is a threat to their children. Controversy abounds as kids get into juntry dancing, before anyone realises it’s simply an awful mish-mash of jazz and country that sounds like a banjo sexually assaulting a violin.

Simultaneous-ABBA-and-Hair-Metal-core

Lead singers of this genre straddle a piano tumbling down a flight of stairs, stamping out the riffs to ABBA’s finest, while belting away at a guitar and screami– oh, wait, Andrew W.K. got here first. NEXT!

Gabber

Possibly one of the most bafflingly ridiculous microgenres of techno in the 90s, gabber is best described as the sound of being greeted into a dance club with a semi-automatic nailgun firing into your skull. Nobody seemed game enough to claim this genre as their own, but it’s easily reinventable for a new decade. All we have to do is hook a drum machine up to a binary format of MC Hammer’s Twitter feed, add a few morse-code implanted homosexual tendency suggestions, step back, and watch a genre explode into popularity before us.

Nu-metal

I’m only half joking here. Nu-metal is undeniably the gayest genre of metal there is, so let’s snap it up as our own. Unfortunately, I’m not particularly game to mock any particular nu-metal artists here for fear of the kind of comments I’ll get. Most nu-metal fans still exist on a diet primarily composed of Cheetos, bullying and World of Warcraft.

While I’m at it…

This seems like the right place to link to two gay hip-hop artists I rather like (or homo-hop, as it’s apparently called HEY STOP LAUGHING I’M SERIOUS). I’m mostly a metalhead, not particularly a hip-hop fan at all, but there’s something undeniably nice about hearing male hip-hop artists belt out some lyrics about treating dudes like inhuman sexual toys, instead of women, for a change.

I kid! These two dudes make some unique music and I recommend grabbing their albums on iTunes (they’re available in the Australian store, so no excuses!) My boy Deadlee, and secondly Johnny Dangerous (who I discovered via a guest appearance on Deadlee’s latest album). They are both welcome to visit me so we can record something that’s the gay equivalent of a Run DMC/Aerosmith crossover. With undeniably less talent on my part.

Tagged as: Gay Agenda, Hip-Hop, Metal, Music and gigs