My love of Media Watch seems to border on the sexual. The vitriol, the hypocrisy, the ongoing battles against familiar targets… it seems to be the stuff of video games. In fact, I’d gladly buy a Media Watch Fighter II video game! Just think about the possible characters in the game…
Playable Characters:
Jonathan Holmes
After comforting you with a nice hot chocolate and the mannerisms of a kindly uncle, he then proceeds to bury you into the ground with PR releases from medical corporations hawking impotence treatment via survey findings. Special move: interviews you personally in your own office, then proceeds to destroy your soul from afar.
Monica Attard
Difficult character to beat. Has army of minions monitoring the minutiae of regional radio talkback segments. Special move: can lock legs around head of closest News Ltd journalist and tear out spine.
Stuart Littlemore
Disarms competitors by pointing out mere jovial spelling errors in their columns, then uses a more formal version of Hey Hey It’s Saturday’s Phunny Fotos segment against you. Not before he’s roundhoused you with a legal defence. Special move: the flawtality.
Special unlockable character: Stephen Mayne
After defeating the hidden boss level featuring Glenn Milne, the formidable character of Mayne becomes available to play. Special move: will undermine your integrity by purchasing a majority stake in your corporation then vote you out as CEO.
Enemy characters:
John Laws
Lawsey will quickly assault you with golden shurikens affixed to his headphones. Can only be truly defeated with a cash-for-killing negotiation.
The Australian newspaper
Fairly unique boss character: consists of a group of journalists standing with their backs to you, screaming “NA NA NA NA NA NA NA WE’RE NOT LISTENING” with their hands over their ears. You may be able to inflict minor damage by yelling in retort: “YOU’RE RUINING EVERYTHING,” but this may only have a minor effect. Special move: Holy Truth of Christianity spinning Jesus kick.
The Australian Broadcasting Corporation
In a torturous series of self-referential cut-scenes, the ABC will unexpectedly arrive as a boss character, doling out a flurry of accidental commercial plugs by rural journalists whom nobody particularly cares about anyway. Special moves: spinning pile-driver of incredulous self-loathing, Jonathon Shier’s budget.
Piers Ackerman
Death-rolls down Oxford Street in Sydney in a rumbling endeavour to physically flatten the entire Sydney Gay & Lesbian Mardi Gras. Also known as P. Honda in some localised versions of the game. Special move: homophobiadouken.
Andrew Bolt
Appears suddenly within the game from a self-belief vortex. Surprisingly, can’t be defeated by physically hitting the man, but only by withdrawing hits to his blog. Special hidden move can be found by pressing the following combination on your game controller: Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Left, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right, Right.
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Choice!
Can Miranda Devine be added as an enemy? She would probably babble endlessly about ‘family values’ and ‘traditional values’ until one endures a cerebral haemorrhage.