Everyone seems to have a mate of a mate who’s a drug-based version of the Tasmanian Devil. Someone who runs around with pupils the size of nearby planets, manically shouting about how high they are, before collapsing in a heap mid-sentence then spending five hours staring at the pavement. When they come down, all they can continue talking about are all the drugs they’ve been doing, with a small interlude permitted only for discussion of psytrance.
Adam and I recently caught up with a lovably druggy mate of ours, who was falling over himself to regale us with tales of his latest pharmadventures.
“Everyone’s gonna be doing DMT this year, man,” he declared. “It’s the same stuff that your body releases from a gland if you’re dying – so the whole trip is like a near-death experience. IT’S TOTALLY BANGING.”
“I see,” I nodded with my best attempt at authority, suddenly feeling incredibly lame that I had a beer in my hand instead of a meth vaporiser. “Er, that sounds kind of unlikely, um…”
“No, no, no, no,” he assured me. “It really does have the same properties as this near-death gland. My dealer told me to look it up on Wikipedia, it’s all there!”
This was when everyone in the room collapsed into laughter and applauded the potential genius of our mate’s drug dealer. Near-death properties this drug may have, but what’s to have stopped his dealer performing a quick edit of the Wikipedia page right before he’d begun the conversation? Even as I write this, the Wikipedia entry for DMT also trumpets promises of “intense erotic imagery” and “experiences with perceived alien entities”. SIGN ME UP, DRUG DEALER WITH STRANGELY ELABORATE WRITING SKILLS!
Fortunately, this has given me a grand idea for income should I lose my job at any stage in the near future. First, I’m going to purchase a PedEgg™ (you know, those awful foot filer things that are constantly hawked on infomercials). Have you seen that disgusting money-shot in the TV ad where they dump out almost a kilo’s worth of foot gunk collected in the PedEgg™ onto a table? I’m going to collect that, bag it, create a Wikipedia page for a brand new drug, then sell it to the kind of gullible emo kids who hang out at the last train station of pretty much any train line.
So exactly what outrageous properties will pedgglalanine possess, according to Wikipedia?
- Will cause viewing Dr Phil to become a dark fun-house experience, parading through your soul
- Consumption of corn chips will become almost unstoppable
- Perceived hallucinogenic properties while working out when the Federal Government’s tax bonus payment will hit your postcode
In other words, nothing that actually doesn’t happen in real life anyway, but how are these kids to know?