Logie Awards 2009 Live Blog

While a rotten cold has struck me down, self-medicating myself with Codral and bourbon seems like the ultimate combination for live blogging the Logie Awards this evening.

For those international folk unfamiliar with the Logie: it’s not a disease, nor a skateboarding trick. It’s an Australian TV award which has a shockingly similar appearance to a particular brand of male prostate massagers (kind of NSFW, but then again, so is watching the Logies for four hours straight).

6:57 PM – Jeb says:  I’ve roped in my mate Tophe to help out with the Logie blogging tonight. Blogging an entire four hours of this nonsense is not a one-man job.

Only half an hour to go until the dreaded red carpet special. Enduring that rubbish is akin to suffering through half an hour of tortuously bad foreplay in the dark, before having the lights switched onto reveal Dicko is the “stallion” who’s going to be pleasuring you for the next four hours. Then having him fart on your head.

7:20 PM – Tophe says: So, apparently Channel 9 had to actually FORCE Gretel to do a publicity shot for the Logies. And even then it was in that stupid top hat and with hair extensions. Gretel Killeen appears to believe her hair has Jennifer Aniston levels of mystique.

7:23 PM: Yup… if the media are to be believed, as soon as Gretel reveals her hairstyle, it’ll be as if the Large Hadron Collider was fired up with a faulty battery. I’m preparing to belt to my nuclear shelter as I type, just in case.

7:27 PM: I’m so excited I could scream. I’m watching a biopic on Princess Margaret on Bio while I wait. The question is – will my night’s viewing get better or worse?

7:34 PM: The three crazed hosts of the Red Carpet special are speaking in fast forward and ending every sentence as if it’s a question. I’m having trouble keeping up already. Oh, and now Carson Kressley’s here. That’s not helping matters.

7:35 PM: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! Carson!! I wasn’t expecting to see anyone who is actually recognised outside of Australia. But considering Queer Eye finished many years ago, his level of celebrity probably now matches Rhonda Burchmore’s, which is perfect.

7:36 PM: Are Maybelline sponsoring this special again? They keep showing shots of this totem pole dedicated to the patron saint of bleach and tangerine tans, or something.

7:37 PM: OH! It’s Jules Lund.

7:38 PM: Lindsay Rodrigues can’t remember to put the microphone in front of the mouth of the person who is speaking at the time! Bless. MTV probably axed TRL just to get rid of her.

7:38 PM: Kerri-Anne Kennerly has this disarming technique of breaking the fourth wall during interviews. It’s as if she’s barking out implanted commands in morse code via manic laughter, then staring down the barrel of the camera threateningly to activate her sleeper agents.

7:39 PM: Shelley Craft is wearing a mirkin.

7:41 PM: The global financial crisis kinda hits home when Red Rooster replaces Maybelline as the sponsor of the red carpet special. More product placement please! I can’t think of anything hotter than Claudia Karvan wolfing down a Rooster Roll at the entrance to Crown.

7:44 PM: “Lisa McCune… you are… one… big spunk?” Jules Lund splutters, with all the technique of a gay man trying to pick up a girl so his straight mates don’t blow his cover. Then: “Haven’t you done well for yourself?” Rove’s asked with a nod over to Tasma Walton, as if he got a good trade-in on the old model or something.

7:47 PM: You know with Rove & Tasma, there are old people all over the country hissing with dissatisfaction. Too soon! Too soon!
RUN Annie Lennox, RUN!! YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THIS!

7:49 PM: Natalie Bassingthwaighte just mentioned that her one wish is to “not trip and spill a drink on my dress”. Except she already seems a little tipsy and slurred “dress” out as something sounding like “breasts”. Let’s see how she throws together her choreography later on.

7:50 PM: Fuck, Lindsay is DYING. Simone Jade? She just left off her entire last name! Simone Jade MacKinnon. I mean, I don’t blame her for forgetting, because I have no idea who she is either. But I have actually worked a red carpet before, and everyone’s name is on A GIANT HONKING LIST IN FRONT OF YOU.

7:51 PM: Carson Kressley seems to be cosplaying Jeannie Little.

7:54 PM: Wow, running the Underbelly theme over footage of Matt Newton exiting a limo just makes him seem even MORE sinister. Everyone seems to be hugging him and gathering around him, though. GUESS WE CAN ALL LAUGH ABOUT THAT AWFUL BROOKE SATCHWELL BUSINESS NOW, HEY FELLAS? HA HA HA HA!

7:56 PM: Actually, I was wrong. Carson Kressley is cosplaying Annie Lennox tonight.

7:57 PM: Annie Lennox didn’t listen to me. And she copped Lindsay Rodrigues. She’ll never come back. To the Logies, to Australia – she’ll avoid the whole hemisphere. You’ve just turned Annie Lennox into a recluse, are you HAPPY, LINDSAY??

7:58 PM: Oh, poor Danni Minogue. No matter what dregs of success she can scrap together, she’ll always suffer comments like “So at least you can add tonight’s photos to your Facebook profile” then have decades-old photos of her at old Logies ceremonies flashed up on screen.

7:59 PM: I may never have turned gay if Brooke Satchwell had become my girlfriend. I WILL NEVER FORGET, MATTHEW.
Is that…did I just see Hope from Days of Our Lives? Hope? That was…I think that was actually awesome. (don’t judge me)

8:00 PM: The guy behind Jennifer Hawkins is in those anti-smoking ads. Do they give Logies invites to just anyone?

8:01 PM: Jules Lund is now making jokes about Twitter in addition to Facebook jokes. So down with the kids, Jules! Ask Natalie Bassingthwaite how she’s doing on the “hit parade” please!

8:04 PM: I read earlier today that the names of previous Gold Logie award winners are printed on the red carpet this year. So even though John Wood finally won, everyone else can still walk all over him.
Okay, we’re almost about to see Australia’s latest tactical weapon to battle the global financial crisis via magazine sales, Gretel’s new haircut!

8:05 PM: It’s a little bit creepy that Erik Thompson and Rebecca Gibney have arrived together, as if they’re a real-life version of the Rafters. Reminds me of when Julia Gillard and Kevin Rudd were shopping themselves around on news programs with a sinister “MUM AND DAD OF AUSTRALIA” vibe.

8:06 PM: Jules Lund: “blah blah blah…A FORMER COLLEAGUE OF MINE ON GETAWAY!” Translation: I USED TO HAVE A CAREER! MY PRESENCE HERE IS LEGITIMATE, HONEST!

8:07 PM: Will Jules ever shut his fucking mouth? “So, Matthew Newton, who do we call to get someone wacked?” I DON’T KNOW, MAYBE ONE OF MATT’S EX GIRLFRIENDS HAS SOMETHING TO SAY THOUGH.

8:08 PM: BOO HISS DIE MATTHEW DIE. Awesome. Kate Ritchie appears to have smuggled Nova co-hosts Merrick and Rosso DOWN HER DRESS. Did she always have those norks?

8:09 PM: It’s the intro! Jessica is singing! HOLY SHIT SHE’S SINGING ON TOP OF CROWN! ON THE ROOF! I know for a fact Channel 9 doesn’t have a CGI budget this big, so it’s gotta be real.

8:10 PM: Please find that note, Jessica. We know you can sing, don’t choke. But boo, she’s just singing her own song. That’s less fun.
Everyone on stage right now? Loves the cock.

8:11 PM: Gretel’s hair is revealed! The space-time continuum splits into multiple timelines! Buildings crumble! Entire third-world countries are destroyed! The entire 2010 postcode region has a sudden idea for a new haircut to flaunt on Oxford Street next weekend!

8:13 PM: All of Nine’s CGI budget is spent on giving Karl Stefanovic a personality.
That’s it? That’s her hair? She looks like Daniel Radcliffe. Same figure, too.

8:14PM: Personally, I think Gretel’s hair makes her look like a female cyborg version of Ray Martin from the future.

8:14 PM: Gretel has spoken about herself non-stop for about eight minutes now. THIS IS TORTUROUS.

8:15 PM: She’s now been talking about herself for four years.

8:16 PM: “Improvised skit” in which Gretel was just shot mid-speech by the Underbelly boys. And the show begins.

8:16 PM: IT’S EVERYONE’S FANTASY COME TRUE

8:17 PM: Brief shot of Richard Wilkins in the audience, plotting which celebrity he’ll next entrap behind Channel 9 to consume their soul. Suspect he actually spawned Jules Lund. Rebecca Gibney just won something. Didn’t catch what. Doesn’t matter, she’ll be back for more. Just mentioned that she thinks she’ll cry. Oh, and now she is. Looking forward to her winning the next 400 awards and repeating this.

8:19 PM: Is that Stonehenge in Jodi Gordon’s mouth?
Kate Ritchie just got busted with a cats-arse face on not winning! Bad form, Kate! Meanwhile, Rebecca Gibney is the only person in the country actually surprised by her win. I still say she was better on All Together Now. No! Rebecca Gibney is being charming and winning me over! STOP THAT

8:20 PM: Nope, crisis averted. She blathered on longer than Gretel, I’m off her again now.

8:21 PM: All the highlight scenes from each of the nominees for Most Popular Actor look like they were filmed in the same, cheap generic hospital room/living room/bedroom set. HAHAH, they can’t show a clip from Underbelly because of the legal issues. Oh dear.

8:22 PM: Somewhat surprised Erik Thompson didn’t win that one. Maybe I’m not the only one who hasn’t forgotten that relentless flood of nude scenes in Pacific Drive during the 90s. Erik, you got me through some late nights during my high school certificate years.

8:24 PM: I don’t know who Todd Lasance is. But well done to him and his career, which will no doubt be long and glorious. (I don’t need to keep a straight face for this, because I’m typing! Phew!)

8:25 PM: This whole voting-for-the-Gold-Logie on the same night of the awards is new, innit? Is that why they got Gretel to host? We’ve all secretly missed her wails to send in our SMS votes.

8:26 PM: Jeb, I wish I had known you in the 90s. You could have taught me so much. Most of it would be late night Australian soap related, but still – you can never have too much Melissa Tkautz related trivia.

8:27 PM: The stage set this year is tricky to describe – a kind of explosion of aluminium foil and large-scale op-shop jewellery. It actually reminds me of the interior of a gay sauna I visited once in my youth.

8:28 PM: Rachel Griffiths I LOVE YOU RACHEL GRIFFITHS! Has everyone forgotten that she streaked topless at the opening of Crown in protest, though? Is she preparing to rip off her dress at any moment now she’s returned to the venue?

8: 30 PM: Rachel Griffiths has been pregnant more times than Catherine Zeta Jones.

8:32 PM: That trophy guy is hot. Not hot, however? Rove’s absolute tanker of a hermaphrodite joke.

8:33 PM: I have no vitriol. I actually like Gyton Grantley and his impossible name. Even though he always looks like he’s .85 seconds away from a big sneeze.

8:34 PM: A win for Gyton Grantley from Underbelly. Pity it’s impossible for anyone to walk to the podium to the Underbelly theme without seeming creepy, though. They keep cutting to shots of Vince Colosimo, shot from underneath his chin, trying to make him appear sinister and the leader of a dining table-based gang. I want one of the girls from Satisfaction to win so they can talk about how being a telly prostitute won them a prize!

8:36 PM: The underside of the Logie award seems to have a TV Week beer coaster stuck to it.

8:37 PM: Bah. Kat Stewart’s acceptance speech for Most Outstanding whatever it was should have just been “OH HOLY CRAP I BEAT REBECCA GIBNEY!?”

8:38 PM: I haven’t got it in me to mock the sketch that was just shown. The girl who starred in it was in my year at high school, and her closest brush with fame thus far has been the ill-fated Let Loose Live. Also, still no Red Rooster product placement. Maybe they’ll wheel some out for everyone to eat? My night isn’t complete until I’ve seen Catriona Rowntree snarfing down a pineapple fritter.

8:39 PM: Jeb – we like these sketches, for the record. Because you know the girl, and I know the guy. Look! We’re nonsensically biased! We’re just like real TV execs!

8:40 PM: Everyone’s eccies will be starting to drop right about now. Let’s hope things get a little more interesting! Going to pay close attention to the pupils of the Umbilical Brothers in particular. No way are those guys performing unassisted, if you get my drift.

8:43 PM: Gretel is…not an actress.

8:44 PM: Gretel just exited the “I got shot and sent to heaven” sketch by lowering herself on a swing back into the awards room. Appears to be wearing a cumulus cloud as a dress. She’s back with the “OH MY EX HUSBAND WHAT AN IDIOT” men jokes. Oh, Gretel of old, I knew you’d burst forth eventually.

8:45 PM: Oh, and she’s recycled one of her eviction show outfits?
Gretel is now accusing someone who looks like Roger Ramjet of being gay. He has a show? Oh, they said something about Bondi. Is this that Bondi Vet show? I just threw up everywhere.

8:46 PM: What Gretel doesn’t realise is that they’re actually filming Bondi Vet right now as she speaks, as he nurses an injured animal.

8:47 PM: Colour me impressed. They just showed clips for all the “Most Popular Reality” shows without footage of anyone crying. Highly misrepresented, if you ask me. And the award goes to… So You Think You Can Dance! Natalie Bassingthwaite activates her trademark startled, manic, wide-eyed confused hosting mode as she struts up to stage!

8:48 PM: Matt Lee, the young judge from Dance, looks like a 14-year-old Chris Lilley without his little hat on. Bonnie the lady-judge is stroking the Logie in a disturbing manner, which suggests she’s also seen the male prostate massager it resembles. We cut to a commercial break with promises of “the humour of Dave Hughes”, and even the normally impartial Channel 9 voiceover bloke manages to dredge up some sarcasm.

8:50 PM: So You Think You Can Dance won best reality show. Or as I like to call it, So Natalie Bassingthwaighte Thinks She Can Talk Without Flaring Her Nostrils Like Phar Lap (But She Can Not). Obviously my title is less catchy.

8:53 PM: Jeb – we covered Bonnie, Tim and Natalie – how did we not touch on the biggest dick of them all, Jason? I don’t even have any funny lines, he’s just a douche.

8:54 PM: Dave Hughes seems to subscribe to the theory that the larger the room you’re in, the louder you should yell. Classic shot of Andy Blake makes its way to the camera, sneering at a Hughes punchline.

8:55 PM: Having said that, I would rather make love to Jason Coleman than have to deal with Dave Hughes. Side note, and ineffective wankery? Lincoln Lewis (the current target of Dave Hughes’ Karen Walker style vocal effects) is the loveliest, nicest, HOTTEST, and most down to earth person in that room right now.

8:56 PM: Richard Wilkins has a disarmingly serious look on his face, as if he’s daring someone to make him stand up to acccept an award, and surprise everyone with his lack of pants. Also, Charles Firth had a TV show on SBS this last year? I had no idea! He’s up for Best Comedy.

8:59 PM: Mark Loves Sharon was nominated for Best Comedy? I must remember to film myself telling a joke in the next twelve months – it appears ANYONE can get a Logie in this category.

9:00 PM: Merrick Watts accepts the award on behalf of Working Dog for The Hollowmen. Seems strange. We see Tom Gleisner nodding in the audience, the human equivalent of a Marie biscuit.

9:03 PM: Kudos to Channel 9′s newsbreak for resisting the urge to promote Underbelly’s Logie wins over the latest swine flu update. Also: disappointing lack of way-too-drunk activity from the audience at this stage. That said, we haven’t seen Sam Newman in the room yet.

9:07 PM: Outstanding news coverage aka The Bad Weather Footage Award.

9:07 PM: George Negus is on stage being lovable and applauding the nation for saying sorry. He’s wearing a surfie-style pendant, though, which makes me worry he’s hitting a mid-life crisis.

9:08 PM: Oh, sorry, that was George being lovable? I’d hate to see him being vague and wobbly.
It’s Sharon Stone! No…it’s…Liz Hayes? If it weren’t for both Liz’s hands being visible, I’d say that she was operating George Negus like a ventriloquist dummy. He seems like he’s actually…well, dead. Are they presenting something, or did George just stumble onto stage and Liz ran on to get him when the lights went up?

9:10 PM: Sobering footage from nominees for best news coverage, from all sorts of disasters. Then Sky Business is up for its coverage of the financial crisis. Everyone is sad. Can we bring back Dave Hughes? All is forgiven :(

9:11 PM: We cut back to the stage from footage of all sorts of horrible disasters, and Liz Hayes is standing there grinning and leering expectantly. Suspect she’s a scientologist. I’m too terrified of her to absorb who actually wins the Logie.

9:12 PM: The mood gets sadder with footage of all actors who’ve passed away in the last year. ROB GUEST DIED? That is sad. Seriously, with the resurgence of Gladiators, I was certain that a new era of Man O Man was on the cards. Sigh.

9:14 PM: And a count of all the people in Australian TV who have died. Who have I actually heard of? No. No. No. Yes! Rob Guest died? No. No. No. No. No. No. Is that the list over? But Tom is only a third of the way through his song? God. Maybe we can dedicate the rest of this song to Jules Lund and Gretel Killeen. We can hope.
Nope, there’s more!
No. No. No. No. No. Yes! Canberra newsreader Peter Leonard.
No. No. No. No. No. No. Yes – Brian Naylor. I am sorry I ever started that tally.

9:17 PM: Notable absences from the room thus far: Ian Thorpe, who I was hoping to call out on saying TV isn’t for him anymore, but turning up to the awards regardless. Catriona Rowntree, which makes me suspect that the rumours are true: she really can’t wear anything other than a sarong or she breaks out in hives. Kyle Sandilands, although he’s probably hanging out near the ladies toilets trying to pick up drunk junior researchers.

9:20 PM: Sure hope my mobile phone has insurance, because I just threw it at the wall witnessing the Umbilical Brothers’ HILARIOUS sound effects. The bald Umblical Brother is living proof of what could happen to David Koch with the aid of plastic surgery and nobody monitoring his medication.

9:22 PM: Actually, that’s rather sad – I just realised the Umbilical Brothers are putting voice-over sound effects over the nominees for Best Lifestyle Program. I was seriously unable to distinguish the real audio of Ready Steady Cook from the Umbilical Brothers’ nonsense.

9:27 PM: Johanna Griggs and the Better Homes & Gardens crew win. Dr Harry is sporting a fuschia pink hat and bow tie. Unsure if I’m comfortable with the concept of Gay Dr Harry or he’s been driven to the brink of insanity by Gretel Killeen’s acting this evening.

9:29 PM: I think Josh Lawson is being funny! I think Ed Kavalee is helping, but I’ve heard he is kind of a douche, so I don’t care about him.

9:30 PM: I can’t dig into Rove for winning too many awards, because he at least doesn’t pull that “WHAT? ME? DID I ACTUALLY WIN THIS? I CANNOT BELIEVE I WON THIS! SURELY THIS IS A MISTAKE!” face Daryl Somers would pull whenever he won an award. Rove just won favourite presenter, I believe.

9:32 PM: “Coming up next – Gretel Killeen gets up close and personal with some of our nominees!”  Oh goody. Hey Jeb, remember when you told me I didn’t have to watch the whole ceremony? That I could bail if I wanted to? KIDDING!

9:33 PM: My mate Ken is on MSN noting that Rove seems a little presumptuous, choosing to complain about the quality of the chair he’s sitting on compared to the Packed to the Rafters team instead of thanking everyone he works with.

9:34 PM: Oh god, Gretel’s getting that “I’m drawing out the Big Brother Finale” tone in her voice again. I’m settling in for a long one..

9:35 PM: Did you have to say Daryl Somers’ name out loud? I was having such a pleasant evening until then.
Oh good, Gretel is talking about herself again.

9:36 PM: Gretel Killeen and Matt from SYTYCD have the EXACT SAME HAIR!!

9:37 PM: Gretel Killeen, Matt from SYTYCD and Dean Geyer have the EXACT SAME HAIR!!

9:38 PM: Gretel Killeen, Matt from SYTYCD, Dean Geyer, and that dude from Packed to the Rafters have the EXACT SAME HAIR!!

9:38 PM: What table of people is Gretel talking to? It’s some random hodge-podge of Channel 10 reality shows and strangely elfin-looking fellows.. did all these guys hook up on Manhunt beforehand to organise a table together?

9:39 PM: GRETEL, STOP ASKING PEOPLE IF THEY ARE GAY. No one wants you as their hag, give it up.

9:40 PM: Well, no matter how bad this gets, things could be worse: this could be the New Zealand Television Awards. True story: I was once invited as a plus-one to the NZ TV awards, prohibited from attending only by not being able to buy a plane ticket in time. That, and the fact that I referred to the awards as the “Zogies”, promptly getting myself uninvited.

9:41 PM: Bill Collins is in the Hall of Fame! Aww.

9:45 PM: Standing ovation for Bill Collins’ induction into the Hall of Fame. Now, I hope he actually gives a good 5-10 minute speech. This is the one award where you actually SHOULD ramble on and tell a story. Someone tell all the “best new talent” nominees that, please.
Aww, I want Bill to be my uncle, he’s tearing up and is so humbled…

9:48 PM: I’m giving Bill Collins 10/10 for everything.

9:50 PM: BRB, writing Bill Collins/Margaret Pomeranz fanfic.

9:51 PM: My mate Matt SMSed me with the theory that Gretel’s constant sexual orientation questioning is so she knows who she can hit on later in the night. She’s got a list of guests and she’s putting a big tick or a cross next to their names. I would laugh at this theory; but I can’t in all good conscience dismiss it.

9:52 PM: Grant Hackett and Gianne Rooney presenting nominees for Most Outstanding Sports Coverage. Hackett always looks exceedingly awkward when he’s forced into a tuxedo outside his natural swimwear environment. Now there’s a montage of all the nominees set to the Foo Fighters and I can’t tell if they’re parodying every single Sports Tonight sequence EVER or not.

9:54 PM: Is my ‘EXACT SAME’ gag getting old yet? Because Grant Hackett and Jodi Gordon have the EXACT SAME TEETH!!
Giaann Rooney (sp?) wins Most Outstanding Number of Vowels In One Name.

9:55 PM: Bruce McAvaney lives, breathes, and shits sport. When he stood up to accept Ch7′s award for Sports Coverage, he totally jizzed in his pants. I think he still is.

9:57 PM: I’m so not into sport that I couldn’t even tell if that was Bruce McAvaney or Sandy Roberts. All I know is that the orchestra definitely wasn’t playing any Channel 7 sports theme – it was something far more sinister. Sounded like “Witch’s Theme from Harry Potter 7″ or something.

9:59 PM: Paul “Fatty” Vautin accepts best sporting TV show for NRL Footy Show. The contrast between his alcohol-rosed face and the bizarre purple/pink background just caused Adam to question the picture settings on our TV. And now, the only single moment in time when a Footy Show host will throw to Annie Lennox!

10:01 PM: It’s not possible to not like Annie Lennox, is it?
Would it be wrong to request some Bill Collins/Annie Lennox fanfic?

10:02 PM: While Annie tinkles at the piano, let’s reflect how lucky we are that the AFL Footy Show didn’t win an award. The last thing this ceremony needs is Sam Newman, a man with the Benny Hill theme permanently playing in his subconscious, up on stage to execute his latest one-liners.

10:03 PM: My mate Dan just popped on MSN to ask if this is Annie Lennox or another of those new anti-drug ads. BOOOO!

10:05 PM: Now I’m starting to think that Gretel Killeen stole her new haircut from Annie Lennox. Hope we get to see them side-by-side together this evening to compare the wicked TV performer of the west and the good pop star of the east.

10:08 PM: Wil Anderson up on stage to award something. Instant drinking game: have a shot every time he fires off that machine-gun laughter at one of his own jokes! Guaranteed paralysis within five minutes.

10:09 PM: I hate Wil Anderson, and I don’t care who knows it! Wil Anderson = Dane Cook.

10:10 PM: Wil Anderson thinks that Dave Hughes’ method of joke delivery is working a treat.

10:10 PM: Tophe, you’re right! Plus, I suspect Wil is pinging off his nut. He’s talking even faster than normal, and remains eerily expressionless.

10:11 PM: If I have to type Wil Anderson’s name again, I might die. I would prefer Andrew G. YES I MEAN THAT.

10:11 PM: Hugh Sheridan wins for Best Male Newcomer!  Haha “comer”. Wow, he seems really short.

10:13 PM: Possible creepiest Logies moment thus far: Wil Anderson announcing “The best new female talent nominees…” (licks lips for seven seconds) “…ARE:”

10:14 PM: Is there some discolouration on the side of Wil Anderson’s (GAAAAH) head? Like he’s been punched? And if there isn’t, COULD there be?
It’s the 61st Annual Packed To The Rafters Awards!

10:16 PM: Bert Newton being a knob in a sketch FTW!!

10:16 PM: Oh my god, David Stratton just crash-tackled someone in a sketch. Sorry Bill Collins – David Stratton is my new surrogate uncle now. He’d way beat you in a game of stacks-on.

10:17 PM: God, you actually got your Margaret Pomeranz fanfic, Jeb, you sick freak.

10:20 PM: I’m remembering from the red carpet that Lisa Wilkinson and Karl Stefanovic both showed up, despite the fact they work in breakfast television. So where are Mel and Kochie? WEAK! I assume that they’re both too exhausted – Mel from her weekly surgery where they remove anything that’s even remotely interesting about her, and Kochie from his vigourous masturbating over his old finance reports.

10:21 PM: I suspect Mel and Kochie are missing because they’ve freaked out at an environment where they can’t summon a phone poll for anything they disagree with.

10:22 PM: Okay, that sketch actually did make me laugh. Fake footage of Channel 10 marketing department at work, then someone saying “let’s take a five minute break,” and everyone breaking out into an impromptu rave.

10:22 PM: The more non-Harold stuff I see of Ian Smith, the more I love that man. I want him to win the Gold Logie!

10:24 PM: The Best Factual Program nominees are being shown. Suspect winner is measured by litres of tears shed by nation whilst viewing.

10:25 PM: I heard a rumour that during a tour of the Neighbours set, which the actors were occasionally required to give, Ian Smith ended the tour by asking if anyone had any questions. Some English tourist piped up with “yeah! Why are you so fat?” to which Ian replied “because every time I fucked your mum, she gave me a biscuit”. It’s an old joke encased in an old wive’s tale – but it could be true! Maybe?

10:26 PM: Bondi Rescue wins. The award is accepted by the lifesavers. One of them is standing there looking exceedingly bored, as if this stupid TV award is getting in the way of a good game of rugby, followed by a visit to the local suburban titty bar. Er, Andrew G has been congratulated multiple times for his voice-over skills on this show. Perhaps an example of the complexity of this program.

10:26 PM: 10:26pm, and my first sighting of Andrew G. Well, it was a good run while it lasted.

10:28 PM: Have you noticed how all the Logies graphics and accompanying sound effects feel like they’ve been yanked from a promo for Windows 98?
Daniel McPherson is here to present the Graham Kennedy award for most outstanding new talent, so I expect Tophe to go touch himself for the duration.

10:29 PM: True story: I was invited to the launch of City Homicide in Melbourne to get some audio interviews for the radio station I work for. During the night, I heard Daniel McPherson walk past me saying loudly that he had to go to the toilet. I considered following him just so I could perve a look at him. And when I say “I considered”, I mean I actually took four steps in the direction of the mens room before correcting myself.

10:31 PM: Don’t say “birthed” in an acceptance speech. I’m not angry at you, whatever your name is Packed to the Rafters girl, because how could we possibly have know that a) you would say it, or b) it would sound so wrong? But now we do. So don’t.

10:35 PM: It’s finally dawned on me after three hours: Gretel Killeen now looks exactly like Gary Numan.

10:37 PM: Carson Kressley is hanging out in the ladies toilets at Crown with Gretel. Oh, cute. She’s pretending not to understand Carson’s jokes about cruising.

10:38 PM: Shaun Micallef is on stage proving once again why he should host the Logies every year. “What is acting? Acting is the art of concealing that you are acting.”

10:39 PM: Kerri-Anne Kennerley is terrified of lesbians!! YOU HEARD IT FIRST!
Shaun Micallef is doing something, so suspect Jeb will be touching HIMself for the duration.
(He’s presenting outstanding drama series, mini series or telemovie)

10:40 PM: Frank Holden is wearing a red, shiny, silky satin shirt to accept the Underbelly win. Suspect he’s ready to head off to a swingers afterparty or is cosplaying a Christmas present. My mate Dan points out that another of the Underbelly guys has managed to out-pink Dr Harry with a suit that redefines fuchsia.

10:42 PM: I’m looking at a fuchsia lame suit. And I can’t get the acute on the letter ‘e’ to work so it read ‘lar-may’ – but you know what? ‘Lame’ works equally well. Oh, and a red satin shirt. On a man. That’s…fun.

10:43 PM: “And now for the awards we figured wouldn’t rate so we’ll show them really quick!”

10:47 PM: “Coming up next – Natalie Bassingthwaighte debuts her latest hit!”  Well, if it’s just debuting, how could we possibly know that it’s going to be a hit?
Oh wait, I work in commercial radio, I know the answer to this one! WE WILL CONTINUE TO PLAY IT UNTIL YOU LIKE IT. HAAA HA HA HA DANCE, PUPPETS

10:51 PM: Don’t normally pay much attention to her, but Natalie’s new look. She’s all shimmery and shiny and vaguely — OH HANG ON WHOA THERE’S A DUDE IN SEMI-TRANSPARENT WHITE PANTS DANCING UNDER SOME WATER. SUDDENLY NOT INTERESTED IN FEMALE POP STARS FOR SOME REASON

10:53 PM: Did we just cut in half way through Natalie Bassingthwaighte’s “debut” (which, by the way, was actually released about a month ago)? Or is this regional television at its best for me? Ten bucks says the dancers are SYTYCD contestants/rejects. Another ten bucks says hang on a second, I don’t actually care.

10:54 PM: All I ask is that Matthew Newton stay clothed.  And also that he fuck off.

10:54 PM: Matthew Newton is awarding Most Popular Light Entertainment Program. I can now see that if you’ve ever seen Stupid Stupid Man, it may not surprise you to know that he seems to be playing himself on that show.

10:56 PM: Rove wins. Hamish and Andy look strangely disshevelled behind him, as if they’ve been secretly making out behind the Crown Palladium bain-marie and had to abandon the activity at short notice.

10:56 PM: I really want Spicks and Specks to win the Logie for ‘Light Entertainment’. And…it did not. I don’t know how I feel about Rove winning. I am not a fan of him, as such, but I really like his team. “I really like his team”?? Sorry, I appear to be being a wanker all over this blog.

11:01 PM: Peter Phelps is here – as one mate of mine describes him, “the most Australian person ever”. Gosh, I never realised how correct he is. If you close your eyes it sounds like Ernie Dingo spruiking tourism. And now… Humphrey Bear is on stage?

11:02 PM: Peter Phelps is still alive! Er, I mean ‘working’! He’s presenting Best Drama – and he’s doing something gaggy with… oh, Humphrey B Bear. Has that suit ever been washed?

11:03 PM: “That’s my bear,” snarls Peter Phelps, as thousands of hairy gay Australian men masturbate furiously in their living rooms.

11:04 PM: I have never noticed how far down Humphrey’s legs start! That overhanging stomach is what some of the more crass people among us (meaning me) would call ‘a gunt’. That’s a shame.

11:06 PM: “Also nominated is a show that’s broken all known TV records, Underbelly!” he goes on to exclaim. Er, including… most-watched children’s program? Highest-rated evanglism programming? Most outstanding technical achievements?

11:07 PM: I once heard someone refer to McLeod’s Daughters as ‘The Fanny Farmers’ and I haven’t been able to think of it in any other way since. Packed to the Rafters wins Most Popular Australian Drama!
Excuse me Jeb, I am doing nothing of the sort! Oh, you mean *other* hairy Australian gay men.

11:08 PM: The Gold Logie is on after the break…? Surely that defies the laws of time and physics? We’re supposed to run millennia overtime!

11:11 PM: Gretel Killeen appears to now be wearing two identical dresses – except the second one is bunched up all under her arms.

11:12 PM: Where’s Rachel Griffiths? I wanted her back to announce the Gold Logie! Rachel seems so calm, confident and kind when she speaks, but with an undercurrent of danger. Somewhat like a dominatrix who can only bark orders from the label of a bottle of fabric softener. “CLEAN! SOFTEN! ENJOY THIS FUCKING FRAGRANCE!” etc.

11:13 PM: Lisa McCune and Georgie Parker on stage simultaneously! Something, somewhere is imploding (help! I’m running out of jokes!)
God, I am so gay. A big zooming in shot of Natalie Bassingthwaighte, and my one thought is “wow, what a gorgeous watch she’s wearing!”
Go Ian Smith!

11:14 PM: Rebecca Gibney wins! Georgie Parker greets her on stage with a terrifying, wide, demonic smile as if she’s trying to inhale her soul! Run away, Bec-Bec!

11:15 PM: No Ian Smith. Rebecca Fucking Gibney. I’m not mad, I’m just…disappointed. But her victorious cackling is BRILLIANT. Oh…uh-oh…Rebecca Gibney is being charming and winning me over again. HOW DOES SHE DO THAT?? SHE HAS MAGICAL POWERS

11:16 PM: Gretel takes the podium again. She’s either about to close the show 15 minutes ahead of time, or launch into a psychologically jarring extended song and dance number.

11:17 PM: So, with the sudden burst of Georgie Parker, Lisa McCune, Rebecca Gibney all on stage within a few minutes, doesn’t it just highlight the gaunt, garish, demonesque features of poor old Gretel? She needs to eat a sandwich, and learn some coping mechanisms.
HOLY CRAP IT’S OVER!

11:18 PM: Oh god, I cannot believe I made it the whole way through. Tophe, next time we live blog something that runs for 90 minutes maximum.

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My MASSIVE thanks to Tophe for enduring the entire program with me. Nitey nite, all.

Tagged as: Logie Awards, TV