While I was researching my recent car purchase, I came across some car names which are terrible enough to knock the wind out of you. Although most of them are likely due to language barriers, they all sound like expressions of enthusiasm from the 1970s or children’s cartoon characters.
This list only covers cars sold in Australia, to the best of my knowledge – there’s plenty worse that have been sold overseas, such as the AMC Gremlin – so buckle in.
#10: Isuzu Wizard
Not the worst offender on this list by far, but it still conjures up images of sad old men with suspiciously spectacular sewing skills and a complicated interest in white magic.
#9: Mitsubishi Townbox
Although appearing to be the title of a children’s toy set at first glance, this stupid car name is at least accurate. Check it out on the right – you really could compress the entire contents of Geelong into that oversized cube of metal.
#8: Mitsubishi Cyborg
AAAARGH! OUR DYSTOPIAN FUTURE HAS ARRIVED! MITSUBISHI IS SKYNET! Perhaps better known as the Mitsubishi Colt in Australia, which has a slightly nicer ring to it than the Mitsubishi Humanity Faces Imminent Robotic Destruction.
#7: Toyota Windy
My mind is notoriously welded to the gutter, but doesn’t anyone else think about an inescapable stream of piping hot farts when they hear this car name? I’m sure the Windy was delicately beautiful in a hiaku-esque manner in the original Japanese language. In English, however, it doesn’t necessarily communicate the, ahem, burning of fuel in a positive way.
#6: Nissan Homy
This conjures up nothing other than images of some sort of over-researched anti-drugs cartoon character from the 90s, during the MC Hammer/Vanilla Ice happy-pants peak. Suffice to say, I think we can all be assured that genuine homies would not be seen driving a wack Nissan van around their hood.
#5: Holden Avalanche
Is it truly such a wise idea to name your utility vehicle after a natural disaster? Then again, I guess that’s what really switches on some bogans. “Destroy your natural environment with the insatiable appetite of underground eruptions from the Earth’s very core! Presenting the Holden Volcano Tectonic Earthquake Ute!”
#4: Daihatsu Social Poze
It was perhaps better known as the Charade, but there’s no escaping the original name of this car. In fact, I take back everything I said about naming cars after natural disasters – that seems like a much better option than something which sounds like a 1980s dance craze.
#3: Asia Rocsta
Geddit? “Rock star”? Yet the origins of this vehicle are anything but – its origins lie in the Korean Army’s standard issue 4WD. If you ever spot an actual rock star driving one of these around, I will personally pay you twenty bucks. (Note: does not apply to sightings of any member of Taxiride).
#2: Daihatsu Rocky/Rugger
This is brilliant – one car which is known by two equally cringe-worthy names! Whether you aspire to the heights of a slurring boxer or a grunting, lumbering rugby player; it can only be assumed this was marketed towards absolute meatheads who were too ignorant to notice ads for the Holdden Avalanche being blasted at them.
#1: Mazda Bongo Brawny
Shamefully rebadged as the Ford Econovan locally, I can’t help but wistfully lament that the original name of Bongo Brawny was far superior. Hell, I would’ve bought this car without even knowing what it looked like. It sounds so… musical and masculinity-affirming! Plus, Bongo Brawny is a way better psuedonym than simply “Jeb”, dammit.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Nissan Cedric, Bongo (van) There are more but Datsun Sunny would have to be up there too.
I owned a Sunny, so was forced to exclude it from the list out of shame.
what about the “Ka”?
What about Pajero? Not only is the Spanish word mangled so it’s J like pyjamas instead of J like fajitas, pajero is Spanish slang for w4nker.
I was hoping Bongo made the list. Where did my Bongo?