My taste in videogames is possibly the worst you’ve ever come across. My enthusiasm wanes if a game doesn’t involve matching three coloured gems, desk-gnawingly pointless trivia contests or repetitive actions set to music (let me tell you about my embarrassingly laser-precise Dance Dance Revolution skills some time).
Console games are something I’ve only ever half-heartedly pursued for this reason… there’s just not many games out there that grab my fancy. I’m sure that when gamers slobber all over the latest videogame releases at their local JB Hi-Fi, every game is uniquely different. For me, all I see is a generic wall of shooter games that all look the same – you could easily interchange their titles with monikers like Imbalanced Testosterone Level Threat in New York, Rapeface Shotgun Alien Bonanza, Intestines!, or Tiger Woods Presents: Disembowelment Rampage ’09.
Horses for courses, though – music’s more my thing. Although these games all look the same to me, as a mate politely reminded me last week – every industrial metal band I listen to sounds like a lawnmower wildly attempting to usurp a tin can from the pavement to him.
However, the opportunity to play crappy puzzle games online against my mates appeals to me, so recently I purchased a Xbox 360. As you may know, Xbox requires you to pay a subscription to play online. Paying money to play online still seems like a bit of a rort to me, although clearly most Xbox players take it for granted. Suppose it just seems like a feature that should be included with the console.
A free one-month trial of online play was included with the Xbox, but I’m having trouble convincing myself it’s worth continuing and shelling out actual money for Xbox Gold – and here’s my five reasons why. Feel free to convince me otherwise after you’ve read them!
Bear in mind I’m not deliberately trying to stir up you Xbox fans – it’s just not for me (so far, anyway).
#1: A button-mashing, clueless dork like me is no match for a hardcore gamer
When I turn on my Xbox, it’s usually very sporadic and for short periods of time. I like quick, fun gaming sessions. Whenever I play online, I seem to be matched up against spotty teenagers who’ve obviously got nothing better to do than blink mindlessly in front of their TV until they’ve perfected their skills. Or perhaps I’m in denial that I’m actually completely pants at videogames. Either way, the balance never seems quite right.
#2: If I want to organise fun with my mates, I’d rather see them at the pub than play videogames online
Organising proper gaming sessions requires you to plan ahead with mates, and I rarely know when I’m going to feel like playing games. Even if I turn on my Xbox and see mates online, they’re usually in the depths of some other game anyway. If I’m going out of my way to organise fun with some buddies, I’d rather it’s in person!
#3: The computer does a pretty sound job of thrashing my arse anyway
Granted, it’s not entirely the same, but the AI on most games I have is just fine – good enough to replace a human, anyway. Playing offline isn’t such a problem to me.
#4: For the price of a Xbox Gold membership, I could buy… a lot of alcohol
Some people clearly think the membership price is worth it (I think it’s $80/year). Personally, anything above $25-30 annually is pushing it for me. There is no way I feel that occasionally playing games online is worth $80. But here’s the interesting thing: if there was an a-la-carte “day pass” option to get 24 hours of online play for a couple of bucks, I’d probably use it. In fact, I’d probably end up spending well more than the $80 annual fee on day passes, even though I was thinking I’d save money! Why doesn’t Microsoft offer this? Give me more options!
#5 (and this is the big one): The life-affirming, joy-enducing, endless whirlwind of homophobia
Apparently Xbox Live has a bit of a reputation for homophobia, which I had no idea about. When I set up my account, I simply used my “I like beer, metal and dudes” bio in my profile. AND THEN IT BEGAN. Almost every game I’ve played online – even ridiculously non-aggro games like Uno – has resulted in an endless torrent of abusive messages sent to my inbox. It was baffling and hilarious at first, then slowly became a glum repetition of abuse every time I decided to play online. Remind me again why I want to pay for this privilege?
Sure, I could change my bio, but really – why should I? It’s not that provocative.
The only other opportunity I’m considering is actually going ahead and paying for a subscription, but rewriting my bio to the most concentrated homo paragraph of text possible, for maximum goading to every gay-hating dick out there on Xbox. So far I have: “My hobbies include worshipping Kylie Minogue’s aura, shitting rainbows,” but that’s as far as I’ve got. If I can complete the sentence, you may just see me back on Xbox again.
So, Xbox fans, convince me! Why should I pay for a subscription, given my reasons above?
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Wow, you almost made it sound like you were a real gamer!
I *AM* a real gamer!
*tosses hair and quietly hunches over iPhone gem-matching game*
Honestly, I don’t think you should bother. Here’s another reason why:
If you *really* want to need play online with us then all you need to do is sign up a new account, because as soon as you sign up with a new account, BAM, you get a month’s worth of free Gold :)
solved!
uh… I think the Wii might be more up your alley Jeb.
You’ll get along great with all the mums and dads :).
Ps. your post goes 1, 2, 3, 2, 1…?
That was my highbrow and completely deliberate reference to a Wii-esque minigame revolving around correcting editorial errors.
Fixed, and thanks ;)
Sort of interesting, but, I don’t think you could buy much alcohol with the $7 a month that xbox live costs.
So for that $7 a month, which is less than seeing a movie now, you could download endless game demos to try out games before you buy them, always have someone to play with (most games have employed systems to match similarly-skilled players), and not just 1 or 2 but always enough for an 8 player match or so, rent HD movies/tv shows, pay an extra $7 a month and have NETFLIX streaming on there in HD, and the list goes on and on. Its $7 a month dude. You’re not breaking the bank!
Also, the homophobic nature is kind of embarrassing to people like me who wouldn’t talk like that to anyone. I do suggest you take off the “I like men” though, that’s kind of asking for it. I mean, I don’t feel the need to put “I like girls” in my bio, ya know?
Actually, Netflix would tip me over into paying. Unfortunately we don’t have that feature in Australia…
The reason I usually throw in the “dudes” part is that it’s an important part of my identity. I’m hardly being provocative – in fact, it’s only semi-serious! If I can actually meet other gay dudes with my interests, that’s a big plus. No offense, but saying that I’m “asking for it” suggests that homophobia is intrinsically okay.
6. The old get outside and exercise instead of playing video games (end cliche)
Im with you bro, not much into video games myself. Shall we do some stuff outdoors.
How about we go hang gliding, sky diving, kayaking or bungee jumping this weekend? EXTREME!!!
I play Xbox live somewhat regularly, whenever my roommate is nearby though (he is gay, i am not) I have to remember to turn the sound down so he doesn’t hear the relentless homophobic taunting that goes on. it’s rather depressing.
Lol yes getting outside would be better for all.
Jeb,
Didn’t mean at all that the homophobia is okay. You be who you are, that’s cool with me!
I’m just saying, I wouldn’t walk down a dark alley at night in a bad part of town-I wouldn’t be doing anything wrong if I did, but not doing it would prevent anything bad from happening.
#7 – Why pay for it when you can get abused free of charge on PSN? ;)
Re. mentioning your being gay in your profile, you might want to alter it as there’s a chance of getting your account suspended (unless they’ve changed the rules since the girl-suspended-for-mentioning-she’s-a-lesbian shitstorm – I don’t really keep up with X-box related stuff on account of not owning one).