Our Local Cursed Cafe

Our local cafe is suffering a curse from the retail gods. Like Pauline Hanson descending into battiness and railing against every form of mass media known to man, it’s an insurmountable struggle that somehow continues unfolding over time.

I’m not entirely sure what the properietors of this particular cafe have done wrong to repeatedly find themselves in such complications.

The first problem we noticed was that they perenially seem understaffed – but through no fault of their own. When we began frequenting this cafe, they were tumbling over themselves to apologise gratis for their employees’ illnesses and absence. This level of staffing generally aroused a sense of the next ice age dawning by the time your coffee was presented to you.

Then we noticed that they often seemed to be understocked on almost every item we ordered from the menu. My suspicions were aroused that they may have been running to the local supermarket to purchase ingredients as required (I suppose it’s technically very a la carte) but I put it down to their busy popularity.

An unusual situation arrived next: the cafe exploded. Adam and I are still yet to determine exactly what went wrong, but one morning we walked past and all that was left was a blackened shell of a cafe. Tables and chairs had been flung akimbo and all manner of kitchenware flung, quite literally, all over the shop. It was as if Jack Bauer had recently purchased a sausage roll there, decided it wasn’t to his culinary tastes, then gave a bad restaurant review in the only way he knows how.

Over a period of four months, the cafe seemed to be renovating and desperately pleading for our custom with shopfront signs. There was an ongoing parade of promises: “Opening next week!” “No really… we’re back next Monday!” “Open, in, er… about a month!”

Last week, the cafe finally flung its doors back open, and things are back the way they were. Forgotten items from our orders. The gas cooker shutting down, rendering them unable to cook any hot food. The general sense that you’re probably on a hidden camera reality TV show, wherein over-privileged underwear models are challenged with the vexing task of running a business.

So why do we keep going back? Because they understand loyalty. Despite their avalanche of problems, they’re quick to heavily discount our bill or give us free food whenever they mess up (which is generally every single time). It’s like some sort of rolling free meal voucher that never ends, just as long as their ineptitude continues.

Here’s to many more free breakfasts to come. I’m praying that none of their stuff begin evening courses on cooking or running a business, as I’ve now worked their incompetence into my weekly budget.

Tagged as: Food, Shops