The easiest way to make an incredibly large amount of money seems to be joining the ranks of brain-dead IT analysts. Just this week, I’ve found the following quotes from analysts in various IT news articles:
“Apple may introduce new iPod models at its “rock and roll” event on Sept. 9.”
HOLY SHITBALLS, NO KIDDING.
“The more prevalent and important Google Apps like Gmail become, the more negative attention each outage will garner.”
REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA. I AM ALMOST COMPLETELY HYPNOTISED BY YOUR ORACLE-LIKE WISDOM.
“Twitter will continue to build on its exponential growth in the coming year.”
SORRY, JUST PICKING MYSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I THINK YOU GAVE ME A HEMORRHAGE WITH THAT MICRO-ANALYSIS.
Then I stumbled upon Rip Ragged, who’s tracked down an undiluted piece of concentrated tech analyst wisdom from Roger L. Kay:
“For years, Apple’s marketing has consisted of accentuating the positive and ignoring everything else.”
GROUNDBREAKING WORK THERE. What the hell is the slogan for the tech analyst union? “Analysts: because we have to say SOMETHING“?!
Well, that does it. I’m laying the groundwork for World Wide Jeb Analysts, Inc as a business. Prepare for our immediate flood of press releases!
- ANALYST: Dave Hughes likely to whine “SEEEERIOUSLY” on tomorrow’s edition of The 7PM Project
- REPORT RELEASED: Next holiday’s Krispy Kreme promotional products unlikely to feature slimming properties
- BREAKING: 85% of men who purchase Cheetos then watch the E! channel are likely to experience orange genitalia
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And there’s me thinking that these IT people were interesting and clever!