What’s wrong with this sentence? You look homeless, smell like you’ve bathed in Tommy Lee’s sweat, have almost no cash to your name, are borderline alcoholic, can barely string a legible sentence together but are utterly drowning in the affections of women. HOW? HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?
Simply add the words “you play guitar in a band” and the enigma is deciphered! Seems that even if you treat personal hygiene as an abstract artform and not a pivotal human requirement, just as long as you occasionally thrash away at six strings and yelp wildly on a pub stage, you’re guaranteed to be fawned over by the ladeez.
An example of this phenomenon smacked me in the face over the weekend, when I spied a Popular Australian Rock Star observing The Bronx‘s Melbourne gig. By the way, the Bronx are completely exempt from any hygeine-based criticism as they’ve cannily released their own cologne – and they’re one of the best live punk bands I’ve seen of late.
The rock star in question was Tim Rogers of You Am I fame. For those unfamiliar with the local rock scene, imagine a smashed crab ground into the pavement with the stiletto heel of a thunderously colossal drag queen. Then picture someone using this image as inspiration for a harshly interpreted carving on the side of a mountain, Mount Rushmore-style. Then the mountain erupting with lava and blistering all over the carving. That’s more or less what Tim Rogers looks like.
Assuming a rare vertical stance, Mr. Rogers was listlessly sipping at a beer and waiting for a fairly average support band to complete their set. The band seemed to be exclusively playing a tribute to every variety of guitar feedback ever experimented with in the 1990s, so no wonder it wasn’t holding his interest.
What floored me was the utter volume of women throwing themselves at him. Rock stars of his ilk are one broken guitar string away from becoming a vagrant with tight jeans, so it was rather flummoxing. Watching him dicknotise so many women simultaneously was quite the free TAFE course.
Perhaps it’s time to review my stop-start efforts to play my bass guitar with any degree of competency – I’ve just gotta work out how to attract dudes instead of girls. Oh, and learn to hold a disdain for bathing, I suppose.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
hahah it’s so true. I’ve got certain friends who only seem to date band guys. If you took away the band thing, I know they’d lose interest. They are not even aware of it. What’s great is that you only have to have ONCE been in a band to have the band dude cred.. then you can just have a guitar in the corner and occasionally bring it out to play some shit covers from the edge of your dirty disheveled futon.
I love your description of Tim Rogers. That guy really bothers me. I don’t see much in his music either, to be honest. I saw him recently on that Talkin’ About Your Generation show and he practically made me lose my dinner. Did you see that? As attractive as a bulldog pissing on a nettle.
I did see him on Generation – his personality seems to have been completely deleted as well.
What’s with this photo of Tim Rogers & Tex Perkins?
http://www.smh.com.au/ffximage/2006/09/11/Tnt_060829041423409_wideweb__300x453.jpg