Fact: I Own the Shiniest Pants in the Universe

Wearing pants is important in society, apparently. However, I find clothes shopping so unbearably tedious, it makes me want to gnaw off my own arm. After extravagantly splitting my pants in public, though, I’ve learnt it’s a sensible move to buy new work pants a little more often.

Whenever the major department stores hold a stocktake sale, I grumpily make a point of zooming into the store at high speed, grabbing the first few pairs of suit pants and shirts in my size, then roaring out again. Done. No more work clothes shopping required for another six months.

On my last expedition, though, I made a critical wardrobe misjudgment. A particular pair of pants I purchased had an unusual pattern in a silvery-grey colour. Seemed like a regular pair of pants when I purchased them, but lo, how mistaken I was.

When I first stepped outside into the roaring sunshine wearing these particular pants, the entire suburb lit up like a nuclear blast had consumed it. Yep – I’d purchased the shiniest pair of pants in the universe. This material could easily act as a reflective beacon from one side of the Nullabor to the other.

Over time, I’ve forgotten how glossy these pants actually are. Every now and then I’ll notice someone stumbling up the pavement towards me, eyes shielding themselves from permanent blindness. Hell, when I managed to score a free ride on the Southern Star ferris wheel before it died from heatstroke – my friend accompanying me dryly remarked that she could see my pants reflecting across the city during the entire circumnavigation.

This all brings me to a crossroads in my wardrobe. Do I continue embracing shiny clothing and commit myself to the kind of polyester-based shiny clothing that only pimps and adolescent mall-based children wear? Or do I shun this regrettable purchase and revert back to boring ol’ cotton pants?

Then again, should I take this as a sign and embrace the complete opposite concept? If the U.S. military has funded the research of invisibility cloaks for this long, surely it’s only a matter of time before we start seeing the Van Heusen Iron-Free, Visibility-Free business shirt.

Nah, bugger it… if I’m going to get into reflective wear seriously, I’m going to go all-in. Once I’ve managed to raise the funds, I’m going to personally fund research into a material so reflective, it looks like you’re staring directly into a pit of burning magnesium. Fierce.

Tagged as: Clothing