How to Make Polo Hardcore

Many of my mates are into cycling hardcore. I’ve grown to appreciate single-speed bikes over the years, and I definitely love going for a roll on the weekends… but my helmet always betrays my try-hard cycling hipster image.

Look, I purchased my helmet when I bought my first bike because it was red. That was the only reason. I LIKE RED. Red is metal! I’m pretty sure it was the cheapest helmet in the store too.

Unfortunately, I didn’t try it on before I purchased it. That’s why it looks like a gigantic red dinosaur egg is precariously balancing on my head when I’m cycling down the street.

It’s one of those things I keep meaning to replace, but I’m secretly growing to love the ongoing outrage from my cycling friends when they see this cheapo helmet. Rage empowers me! Perhaps I’ll keep it after all.

Either that, or I’ll keep it until I take up bicycle polo. Some time ago, I figured playing polo on bikes would be a killer idea, and definitely the kind of imaginary sport that One HD seems to relish broadcasting (see also: slamball). Unfortunately, it turns out cycling polo already exists, dammit!

My legacy won’t be complete until I’ve instigated at least one new polo league in Melbourne, so here’s my other ideas:

• Motorbike polo
• Hovercraft polo
• LSD polo (everyone drops acid, then chases a disco ball around the field)
• Hipster polo (more or less regular polo, but pausing to tweet about My Disco at half time)
• NRL polo (whack a rugby ball around the field, with bonus points for secretly crapping or raping during play)
• Pugwall polo (musically gifted teenagers chase Ian “Dicko” Dickson around a field with sticks)