Naomi Robson is Back!

Earlier this week, Defamer Australia lifted the lid on this darkly hilarious development:

I know you’ve all been missing Naomi Robson’s presence on the small screen. So here’s some news that ought to cheer you up immensely – she’s back! Kinda! She’s talking relationships and Secret Men’s Business with high profile penis owners like Nick Giannopoulos!

If you’ve not heard of Naomi Robson, cast your mind back to a current affairs show titled Real Life in the early 90s. After flagging ratings, the show was rejigged: it adapted a new title in Today Tonight, received a new set, and the existing host Stan Grant underwent gender reassignment. The result was Naomi Robson.

Nobody knew what hit us! She careened into our world like the star of a failed sitcom premise -- the self-obsessed socialite blackmailed into hosting a nation-wide TV program.

You may remember that a few years ago, everyone’s favourite Queen Bogan was thrashing around for a TV talk show deal. If there was ever scientific proof of perpetual motion, it surely lies with Naomi Robson’s narcissistic self-belief in her Christ-like human appeal, spurring her eternally onwards.

Our Nomes found little success in her talk show efforts. I’ve no doubt that those pilot tapes revealed her to be even more dreadful when she was let off the leash of an autocue. Naomi’s fascination with her own appearance over the feelings of any other human being surely couldn’t have made for comfortable viewing.

But who needs those TV network deals when you can plummet into the depths already cleared by Tom Green, and take your show internet-only? Ms Robson, that’s who!

Yes, Nomes has begun production on The Naomi Show: LoveLife, which sounds like an ominous threat by Ms. Robson and not an explanation of the show’s theme. Rather like waiting to see the sheer volume of pus which will explode from a festering boil, I’m both terrified and deliriously excited at her show’s imminent broadcast.

An article from The Australian a few years back perfectly demonstrates why she’s such an oblivious caricature of herself:

A former Seven publicist tells Media Robson is “totally self-obsessed”, even while she is working, and he couldn’t send her out to talk to the media because she “talks about her Gucci sunglasses, her personal trainer and her BMW” without a thought for how she may be perceived. She will sit in the studio and tell people how many stomach crunches she did that morning. Unlike your Ray Martins or Jana Wendts, Robson has little interest in the stories she presents and isn’t even professional enough to fake it.

“She doesn’t get who her audience is,” a former colleague says. “She can come across as a snob and very elitist.”

Her self-obsession is perfectly clear in the preview video for her show -- rather than even splashing out on even a cheap studio, she appears to have meticulously directed the entire broadcast in various rooms of her opulent home. Take a gander if you wish, but be warned, this will delete multiple units of your soul:

Mmm, has anyone heard anything more erotic lately than Naomi Robson robotically barking “DON’T FORGET ABOUT SEX”?

Actually, you could be forgiven for thinking this was a game show revolving around Robson disinterestedly nodding at a bunch of B-list celebs, while mentally calculating whose soul she’ll devour at the end of the show to feed her undead life-force.

The real rub is that despite her presenting herself as an oracle of relationship advice, THE GHASTLY WOMAN IS SINGLE. SINGLE SINGLE SINGLE! HOW THE.. WHAT… WHO… I DON’T EVEN

I’m definitely planning on sending in a question to The Naomi Show when it debuts. There’s got to be nothing better than a panel made up of people like Julia Morris, David Reyne and Hotdogs awkwardly bumbling through my question on genital herpes etiquette.