We can all agree that Antiques Roadshow is very safe television. It’s time for this franchise to be relaunched with some edgier spin-offs!
With the help of my buddy Sam, we came up with:
Antiques Roadhouse
Similar to the film Roadhouse, but instead of Patrick Swayze, it features old gay men beating each other up with Chippendale and Wedgwood. This spin-off will lead to…
Antiques Whorehouse
Valuations of found objects from bordellos.
Antiques Crackhouse
Members of the public attempt to convince valuers that plastic beads on a string really are genuine pearls.
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I’m in – That might nearly be enough to get me back into watching the telly – well, only if they were all hosted by Naomi Robson.
Why stop there?
Antiques Animal House
A bunch of frat boys sit around drinking beer on really old furniture.
Antiques Funhouse
Experts from Sotheby’s and Lloyd’s of London try to appraise items they can only view in hysterically distorted mirrors.
Antiques Poorhouse
Revisit all those whacky losers who scheduled Grandma’s hip replacement while they still believed that butt-ugly lamp in her attic was a Tiffany.
Antiques Sideshow
The bearded lady and the world’s strongest man host, with a running feature wherein they pierce various parts of their bodies with pointy artifacts from around the globe.
What about Antiques Shithouse?
Basically just my granddad showcasing the random shit he’s made out of cracked bathroom tiles and dowel.