Ken-Proofing Your Store: The Finest Security Test Money Can Buy

My mate Ken isn’t the best shopping companion. Wherever we visit any shops together, he seems more set on how he can destroy the store, rather than actually acquiring any purchases.

Now, though, it’s dawning on me: there’s actually money to be made here. He’d be the perfect security consultant on locking down new stores where risks for troublemakers are presented.

To wit: on a recent excursion to Costco, we’d barely walked through the door before he wondered out loud: “I wonder if their canoes are chained down?”. I’m not entirely sure what would have happened next, but I doubt it’s anything that would have greatly pleased the store’s security staff.

But he’s thought of everything: after trying to see if he could crash the shopping trolley into a large set of glass freezer doors (I DON’T KNOW WHY, I’M NOT KEN) – those crafty store designers were one step ahead of us. They’d specifically designed a concrete barrier to protect the doors. Sneaky.

The finest example of making sure you’ve taken care of every possible store security hole came when we were wandering past one of Costco’s stranger departments – their wheelchair section. Naturally, we were both rather curious to take a ride in one of them. Considering the way we both ride our bikes, one of us will end up in a wheelchair sooner or later, so why not try it out? Again, we were foiled: the wheelchairs were firmly clamped and padlocked down to prevent dickheads like us going for a roll around the store.

He seems to think of everything someone would do to cause havoc in your store, so why not hire him to consult on security measures in your own store? Assuming you don’t mind someone flailing around your store completely drunk then belching “advice” peppered with mum jokes, that is.