From the category archives:

Ha!

Is this the Most 90’s Book Cover Ever?

March 10, 2010
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There’s a heaving pile of unread books by my bed, and it’s constantly a surprise to see what literary atrocities I forgot that I ever purchased.
Here’s the problem. Around ten years ago, I rediscovered how awesome books were. The idiotic problem I created for myself was that I was accumulating new books at five times [...]

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How to Correct Your Dodgy Farmer’s Tan

January 22, 2010
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We’ve all got mates who have a painfully burning farmer’s tan. For the unfamiliar, a farmer’s tan is the perma-singlet branded into your skin after spending too long out in the sun wearing a wifebeater.
I’m proud to say that I’ve invented a method of correcting a dodgy farmer’s tan. Behold, the inverted singlet!

No longer need [...]

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Home Appliance Fanfic – Now a Reality

October 28, 2009

By now, you’ve probably noticed that I’d kill for either a Roomba robotic vacuum cleaner or that new Dyson bladeless fan. Can’t help it. They’re the only way I’ll feel complete.
The natural progression here seems to be writing Roomba/Dyson fanfic. I’m hoping to start a revolution here, so PLEASE email me your own Roomba/Dyson fanfic [...]

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Top 10 Worst Named Cars Ever Sold in Australia

June 23, 2009

While I was researching my recent car purchase, I came across some car names which are terrible enough to knock the wind out of you. Although most of them are likely due to language barriers, they all sound like expressions of enthusiasm from the 1970s or children’s cartoon characters.
This list only covers cars sold in [...]

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Trapdance

April 26, 2009

My boyfriend has recently been inflicting an abhorrent form of mental warfare. Whenever he’s doing his absolute best to shit me, out comes this slow rumble:
“Heads… shoulders… knees and toes…. knees… and… toes….”
That’s all it takes for the goddamn song to be stuck in my head all day. Just like any good torturer (he has [...]

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Media Watch: The Video Game

April 14, 2009

My love of Media Watch seems to border on the sexual. The vitriol, the hypocrisy, the ongoing battles against familiar targets… it seems to be the stuff of video games. In fact, I’d gladly buy a Media Watch Fighter II video game! Just think about the possible characters in the game…

Playable Characters:

Jonathan Holmes
After comforting you [...]

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Undertele: A Tale of Two Trujillos

March 19, 2009

What would happen if Rob Trujillo (bassist for Metallica) and Sol Trujillo (head honcho at telemegaglobocorp Telstra) were brothers and forced to live together? A HILARIOUS SITCOM, THAT’S WHAT.
UNDERTELE: A TALE OF TWO TRUJILLOS
(credits roll)
ROB TRUJILLO: (knocks on door) Sol, I’m home!
SOL TRUJILLO: (opens door) Why are you here! Leave me alone! I am busy [...]

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More Boycotts

March 16, 2009

This stupid blog turns 10 years old today. Hard to believe I’ve been posting such rubbish for so long, but there you go.
To mark the occasion, I’ve compiled a new list of everything I’ve boycotted on this blog since my last boycotts post. READ AND LEARN.
Friends who mock your painful foot blisters
Boycott started: January 17, [...]

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Whitewashed

February 21, 2009

You don’t see chefs proudly wearing smeared chorizo sausages over their apron.
You don’t see financial analysts stapling printouts of spreadsheets to their businesswear.
You certainly don’t see actors stickytaping DVDs across their own bodies.
So why do painters insist on wearing white uniforms to show off just how hard they’ve worked each day?! Dudes, we get it. [...]

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I Telecommanded Your Mum

February 19, 2009

Everyone’s got those lovey-dovey couples’ nicknames for each other… honeypie. Sweetie. Erotically charged buttock-boil. (Okay, maybe we’re not all married to Dani Filth).
What I truly relish is those nicknames ascending into highly abusive condemnations, which somehow still remain endearing. Yelling “NOOB!” at each other over the last few years has somehow organically blossomed into the [...]

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