From the category archives:

Really old posts

Canuck!

January 30, 2003

Okay. I know I previously pounded away at my keyboard, declaring that the chances of me writing an online journal again were as unlikely as Greg Evans becoming a recognised deity of love in some obscure sect. But this is a blog, so technically my precarious reputation remains intact. So, hi! Here I am again. [...]

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The Sky News Drinking Game

November 6, 2002

God bless Sky News. Filling the obligatory void for a news channel on Australia’s cable TV networks, they really do try so earnestly, it brings a tear to your eye. I watch Sky News almost out of pity now – when those in the media industry used to note offhand that newsreaders had lost their [...]

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I Could Have Been a Hero

October 30, 2002

One calendar year has almost rolled around since I began this job. It feels like I’ve only been employed here for a much shorter time than I actually have though, which I’m pretty sure is a good thing. (Or is that when you’re having great sex? Hmm). It’s only become apparent to me that my [...]

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If You Ever Needed Any Further Evidence that America is Slightly Self-Absorbed

October 23, 2002

Disembodied phone voice: Thank you for calling E*Trade America’s international customer service hotline! Are you currently an E*Trade customer? Please say… (dramatic pause) Yes or.. (dramatic pause) No. Jeb: Yes. (dramatic pause) Disembodied phone voice: I’m sorry. I did not understand that. Please say… (dramatic pause) Yes or.. (dramatic pause) No. Jeb: YES. Disembodied phone [...]

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Diet Pornography

October 21, 2002

I bump and grind and oil myself up. My eyebrow may rise suggestively, but my genitalia does not. Frantically, I make exaggerated faux-masturbation motions behind an extremely frosted shower door. I may dry hump someone like two drunken high school students, but still manage to cop a dose of what seems to be incurable impotence. [...]

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Shampoo Diamond

October 20, 2002

Now, I’m a sucker for any kind of grocery-based promotion. Any contest which requires you to consume some variety of perishable much faster than you healthily should, in order to determine if some sort of prize is at the bottom of the packet, really tickles my marketing-related-activities g-spot. The latest contest I’d noticed on our [...]

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A Guide on Getting Anyone You Ever Wanted Into Bed With You

September 22, 2002

Are you joking? If I knew this, I sure as fuck wouldn’t be sitting here typing up crap for this site all the time!

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Crisis Service Provider

September 12, 2002

It’s not every day you’re standing patiently at the traffic lights, idly performing your anal clench exercises when an elderly lady pulls a Jason Donovan and spontaneously falls to the ground. I don’t mean a simple fall to the ground. I mean full-on, stay stiff as a plank and fall in a perfect arc, oh-my-god-what-are-all-these-purple-rats-running-around-me [...]

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Banjo Hair

September 4, 2002

‘What’ll it be,’ sighs the beleaguered hairdresser with the enthusiasm of someone naked in a bathtub, filled to the brim with sulfuric acid. ‘Spikes, please,’ I politely reply, and engage in that awful hairdressing predicament where you’re forced to confront your own realities of ugly disfigurement, and stare yourself in the eyes for a full [...]

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I Can’t Find My Prostate

August 24, 2002

Some friends of mine already know about this and have likely already chortled at my astounding lack of basic knowledge. I’ve now been forced to post this here too because I lost a, uh… bet. Look. The simple story is that I forgot the word “prostate” when I was trying to explain something to a [...]

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