From the category archives:

Retail nightmares

eBay: Where Every Seller Treats You like a Mentally Deficient Criminal

January 27, 2010
Thumbnail image for eBay: Where Every Seller Treats You like a Mentally Deficient Criminal

My favourite thing about eBay is what sets it apart from other online retailers: the unique and immediate passive-aggression that follows any purchase.
In your average eBay seller’s mind, you’re not just out to scam them: you’re out to scam them and use the proceeds to inject an infant with tuberculosis.
Woe behold those who do not [...]

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Costcan’t

October 22, 2009

Although I’ve completely bagged Costco in the past, there’s been a growing sense that I need to visit their stupid new store and buy copious quantities of EVERYTHING THEY SELL.
Why the sudden turnaround? It’s the same thing that happens when I don’t visit Ikea at least once a month. Or if I don’t quietly add [...]

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Our Local Cursed Cafe

September 7, 2009

Our local cafe is suffering a curse from the retail gods. Like Pauline Hanson descending into battiness and railing against every form of mass media known to man, it’s an insurmountable struggle that somehow continues unfolding over time.
I’m not entirely sure what the properietors of this particular cafe have done wrong to repeatedly find themselves [...]

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Why I Won’t Be Visiting Costco Any Time Soon

August 17, 2009

Costco opened for business in Melbourne today, like a lumbering elephant galloping into the world of Aussie retail. As far as I can tell, the store chain has melded together a supermarket, K-Mart, jewellery store and undertakers (seriously – they sell coffins) then injected everything with steroids. It sounds impossible to buy anything in a [...]

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Where Have all the Bizarre Two-in-One Stores Gone?

July 3, 2009

If you grew up in the country, you’d be familiar with the concept of bizarre hybrid stores. In townships with smaller populations, you’d frequently find stores melding hardware with children’s toys, newsagents with chemists and other such strange combinations.
To prevent a complete homogenisation of our urban shopping strips, I call for a re-institution of such [...]

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Five Examples of Why You Should Complain to Companies About Bad Products

June 18, 2009

You like free stuff, right? Then next time something goes wrong with something you’ve bought from the supermarket, I demand you let the manufacturer know.
After a recent messy packaging explosion, I was so irked by a product splurging laundry detergent all over my chest (no, it’s not hot – there’s a reason that’s never been [...]

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The Stupidest Retail Outlets in My End of the City

March 9, 2009

Hope everyone in Melbourne survived the minor earthquake on Friday night without any problems, and nobody was getting their genitals pierced or tattoos inked at the time. Just can’t help but fret that someone, somewhere, underwent a horrible body modification experience with unexpected earthquake-induced consequences…
It’s a public holiday here today, so most of the shops [...]

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Coles: Now Stalking Me For Your Benefit

March 5, 2009

Recently, I learnt that our local Coles supermarket is somewhat of a national testing ground. Apparently our suburb is almost equally covered by poor, middle-class, rich, and drug-abusing-AFL-player demographics – creating an ideal environment for Coles to test their latest bonkers ideas on us.
New store layouts and other experiments are constantly carried out at our [...]

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The Dyson is Right

February 9, 2009

Over the weekend, we happened to pass a store in South Melbourne with the gut-bustingly enthusiastic name: READY, STEADY, VACUUM!
The store cracked me up because it sounds like a gameshow gagging to be hosted by Ian Turpie. Presumably, the premise wouldn’t be too dissimilar from the sadly-retired Supermarket Sweep, but retooled for a more sensitive [...]

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Nandon’t

December 14, 2008

Everyone’s got an awesome local takeaway food shop in their area. Here in Port Melbourne, it’s the awesome chicken shop we have nearby. The two blokes who run this joint are champs. You get discounts if you’re a local, a guaranteed laugh, free food if your order is taking a little while to prepare, and [...]

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