The Easiest Goddamn Job in the World

by Jeb on September 8, 2009

yuppie1The easiest way to make an incredibly large amount of money seems to be joining the ranks of brain-dead IT analysts. Just this week, I’ve found the following quotes from analysts in various IT news articles:

“Apple may introduce new iPod models at its “rock and roll” event on Sept. 9.”

HOLY SHITBALLS, NO KIDDING.

“The more prevalent and important Google Apps like Gmail become, the more negative attention each outage will garner.”

REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA. I AM ALMOST COMPLETELY HYPNOTISED BY YOUR ORACLE-LIKE WISDOM.

“Twitter will continue to build on its exponential growth in the coming year.”

SORRY, JUST PICKING MYSELF UP OFF THE FLOOR. I THINK YOU GAVE ME A HEMORRHAGE WITH THAT MICRO-ANALYSIS.

Then I stumbled upon Rip Ragged, who’s tracked down an undiluted piece of concentrated tech analyst wisdom from Roger L. Kay:

“For years, Apple’s marketing has consisted of accentuating the positive and ignoring everything else.”

GROUNDBREAKING WORK THERE. What the hell is the slogan for the tech analyst union? “Analysts: because we have to say SOMETHING“?!

Well, that does it. I’m laying the groundwork for World Wide Jeb Analysts, Inc as a business. Prepare for our immediate flood of press releases!

  • ANALYST: Dave Hughes likely to whine “SEEEERIOUSLY” on tomorrow’s edition of The 7PM Project
  • REPORT RELEASED: Next holiday’s Krispy Kreme promotional products unlikely to feature slimming properties
  • BREAKING: 85% of men who purchase Cheetos then watch the E! channel are likely to experience orange genitalia

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Our Local Cursed Cafe

by Jeb on September 7, 2009

broken-coffee-cupOur local cafe is suffering a curse from the retail gods. Like Pauline Hanson descending into battiness and railing against every form of mass media known to man, it’s an insurmountable struggle that somehow continues unfolding over time.

I’m not entirely sure what the properietors of this particular cafe have done wrong to repeatedly find themselves in such complications.

The first problem we noticed was that they perenially seem understaffed – but through no fault of their own. When we began frequenting this cafe, they were tumbling over themselves to apologise gratis for their employees’ illnesses and absence. This level of staffing generally aroused a sense of the next ice age dawning by the time your coffee was presented to you.

Then we noticed that they often seemed to be understocked on almost every item we ordered from the menu. My suspicions were aroused that they may have been running to the local supermarket to purchase ingredients as required (I suppose it’s technically very a la carte) but I put it down to their busy popularity.

An unusual situation arrived next: the cafe exploded. Adam and I are still yet to determine exactly what went wrong, but one morning we walked past and all that was left was a blackened shell of a cafe. Tables and chairs had been flung akimbo and all manner of kitchenware flung, quite literally, all over the shop. It was as if Jack Bauer had recently purchased a sausage roll there, decided it wasn’t to his culinary tastes, then gave a bad restaurant review in the only way he knows how.

Over a period of four months, the cafe seemed to be renovating and desperately pleading for our custom with shopfront signs. There was an ongoing parade of promises: “Opening next week!” “No really… we’re back next Monday!” “Open, in, er… about a month!”

Last week, the cafe finally flung its doors back open, and things are back the way they were. Forgotten items from our orders. The gas cooker shutting down, rendering them unable to cook any hot food. The general sense that you’re probably on a hidden camera reality TV show, wherein over-privileged underwear models are challenged with the vexing task of running a business.

So why do we keep going back? Because they understand loyalty. Despite their avalanche of problems, they’re quick to heavily discount our bill or give us free food whenever they mess up (which is generally every single time). It’s like some sort of rolling free meal voucher that never ends, just as long as their ineptitude continues.

Here’s to many more free breakfasts to come. I’m praying that none of their stuff begin evening courses on cooking or running a business, as I’ve now worked their incompetence into my weekly budget.

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Ten Stupid Things This Decade Will be Remembered For

by Jeb on September 3, 2009

This decade will be shuddering to an end in no time. We don’t have long to set in concrete what to wear at future noughties-themed costume parties… Here’s my pick of ten things which will be remembered as stupid remnants of the decade.

brokenTV1. Reality TV

This genre of “real life” television echoed far into pop culture. Where else could we vote via SMS to see who gets beaten to death with their competitors’ emotions next week?

2. Watermarks on fucking everything

They started out as TV network logos, now they’re online, on your phone, EVERYWHERE. The contact lens of the future will probably be branded with a tiny OPSM logo on the bottom corner.

3. The emo movement

At least they’ve given us something elaborate to dress up as when we’re having 00’s costume parties. Believe me, one day those kids will look back at their haircuts and wonder why they were impersonating a skunk.

4. Needlessly organic products

Thank Christ for those organic Duracell AA batteries. Okay, perhaps not, but you get the idea.

aromatherapy5. Aromatherapy EVERYTHING

This one isn’t so obvious, but I swear this was a stupid trend incited by this current decade. Do I really need to inhale a box of dishwashing powder for an aromatherapy treatment? NO.

6. Terrorists everywhere, apparently

Providing ample fuel for constant panic and anxiety throughout most of the decade.

7. Autotune

Scarily, nobody seems to bat an eyelid at autotuned vocals anymore -- they’re so commonplace that you can barely discern them. Thankfully, they can be used for good: witness Auto-Tune the News below (stay tuned for the Sarah Palin section).

8. A complete absence of wires and cables on everything

Abandon all those wires, painful Bluetooth syncing is the way to go! Unless you’ve got a Xbox 360, of course, in which case the campervan-sized power brick will serve as a delightful reminder of times past.

9. Everyone being cocks to each other on the internet

No matter what the communication platform, it doesn’t take long until people find creative ways to be dicks to each other on it. Example: any YouTube comments section EVER.

10. Publishing every intimate detail of your life online

As we all grow developing allergies to privacy, this trend will continue to a point where Facebook automatically imports your medical data, and loudly updates your status message when you’ve contracted syphilis.

Those are the first ten which came to my mind. How about you -- whaddya reckon we’ll remember the decade for?

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Who Stole our Bins?

by Jeb on September 2, 2009

otto-wheelie-binUpon leaving our house earlier this week, we discovered that our trusty Otto garbage bins had been stolen.

Many questions immediately arose in our minds. In a region which has a bounty of garbage bins supplied at no cost by the local council, why did a neighbour suddenly establish the need to house multiple trash receptacles? Over-attended house party resulting in a myriad of excess beer bottles? An inability to compress the household’s waste? A recently discovered form of real-life obsession with Dexter?

My immediate assumption, of course, was that one of our neighbours is running a meth lab in their backyard.

A process of elimination for the most likely guilty candidate began. We had it down to:

  • A couple in their 50s, whose scruffy twenty-something son still lives at home. DOING WHAT WITH HIS SPARE TIME, I ASK YOU?
  • The retired couple next door, who frequently lament to me that they had to “trade down” to live in their current fucking gigantic palace, the bastards.
  • The unseen residents of what Adam refers to as the “haunted house”. Apparently a vague neglect for your garden bed, ownership of a surly cat and never appearing in public = haunted.

Fortunately, the retired couple eventually fessed up and admitted they’d accidentally taken our bins in from the road last week. They’re still prime candidates for running a meth lab, though, the complete bastards.

Stay tuned, for more GRIPPING SUBURBAN DRAMAS OF MIDDLE-CLASS WHITE PEOPLE.

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Post-Op… No, Not THAT Kind of Post-Op

by Jeb on August 27, 2009

courtney-loveMy face currently resembles what would happen if Jeannie Little went completely over the edge, and began wildly swiping her own blood on her face as makeup. Yessir, I’m back from the hospital after my nose operation.

Before the operation, I’d over-ambitiously planned all sorts of books to read, housework to tidy up, basically make the most of my time off. This has proven rather difficult to do when there’s goop of a consistency and colour that disturbs even me constantly sliding out of my nostrils. The good ol’ Panadeine Forte has knocked me for six, too… although I have started reading Courtney Love’s diaries while on the painkillers, and surprisingly, they’re actually making a lot of sense in my current mental state.

Painkillers are always good for inspiration, though. Despite the pain, I’ve found time to work on my grand plan for a Christian-based hip-hop group to take the Big Day Out by storm this summer: the Hillsong Hoods. Hey, it seemed like a good idea while I’ve been on medication!

Bah, I can barely type properly at all. Back to the couch so I can consume more of Courtney Love’s berko rantings. See you on the other side of all this…

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When Kiteboarders Fail – and Other Great Free, Cruel Forms of Entertainment

by Jeb on August 24, 2009

Free entertainment in your suburb isn’t a particularly vexing task. There’s a few fail-safe spectacles around my suburb which never fail to amuse…

Watching angry customers teeter on the edge of sanity, as they wait for service at notoriously slow local cafes

When you’re a local, you grow to learn which cafes are unbearably slow. They can usually be identified by a wistful feeling that you’re on the wrong side of a black hole’s event horizon as you wait for your coffee.

The true value here is watching unsuspecting customers with INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT AND BUSY LIVES writhing around angrily and craning their necks in attempt to get some table service. People with dogs always seem particularly frazzled, mostly they want to move along to…

Dog owners desperately trying to flirt with each other

When you’re straight and can’t rely on a gay sauna for obtuse flirtation, it seems the thing to do is get a dog and haunt the local park. It’s an incredible meat market around our suburb, although the body language of the dog walkers indicates there’s some seriously stilted conversation going on. I imagine there’s been many a person around there desperately scrambling for a conversational segueway from dogs to sex.

kiteboardingKiteboarders trying to look tough, then stacking

There’s an awful lot of tough-guy kiteboarding going on at our local beach. As far as I can gather, the process involves strapping a board to your feet, an oversized kite to your back, then using the sheer will of your own heaving ego to propel you into the air. More than once I’ve seen these kiteboarders turn to the assembled crowds on the beach and flex their biceps mid-air, as if they’re on some sort of Pepsi Max commercial, only to satisfyingly slap their face into the water upon landing.

Watching tourists inevitably topple over while precariously attempting to purchase a ticket on the tram

I’ll never tire of this, and the beauty is that it works all throughout Melbourne’s entire tram network. Any local resident has the insider’s knowledge that if you’re using a ticket machine on Melbourne’s trams, you’d better hold onto something while you’re doing so. Although the tram’s probably stationary when you embark and purchase your ticket, you’re probably in for an unexpected 20 metre journey down the tram carriage when it takes off if you’re not grabbing onto a pole.

My favourite variant is the desperate grab towards nearby passengers’ torsos as makeshift deadweights. Always a favourite.

Sure, these forms of entertainment are rather cruel, but the price tag fits today’s financial climate…

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Another Example of Why I’m the Worst Gamer Ever

by Jeb on August 20, 2009

Via an instant messenger conversation today…

Charm:have you played Gunpey?
Me: no..
Charm: its on ds.
Charm: so addictive!
Me: Ahhh. I don’t have a DS anymore :-)
Me: How does it work?
Charm: its lines and triangles that need to be lined up to make a line across the screen.
Me: SOLD

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Five Reasons Why I Won’t be Renewing my Xbox Live Subscription

by Jeb on August 18, 2009

xbox360My taste in videogames is possibly the worst you’ve ever come across. My enthusiasm wanes if a game doesn’t involve matching three coloured gems, desk-gnawingly pointless trivia contests or repetitive actions set to music (let me tell you about my embarrassingly laser-precise Dance Dance Revolution skills some time).

Console games are something I’ve only ever half-heartedly pursued for this reason… there’s just not many games out there that grab my fancy. I’m sure that when gamers slobber all over the latest videogame releases at their local JB Hi-Fi, every game is uniquely different. For me, all I see is a generic wall of shooter games that all look the same – you could easily interchange their titles with monikers like Imbalanced Testosterone Level Threat in New York, Rapeface Shotgun Alien Bonanza, Intestines!, or Tiger Woods Presents: Disembowelment Rampage ‘09.

Horses for courses, though – music’s more my thing. Although these games all look the same to me, as a mate politely reminded me last week – every industrial metal band I listen to sounds like a lawnmower wildly attempting to usurp a tin can from the pavement to him.

However, the opportunity to play crappy puzzle games online against my mates appeals to me, so recently I purchased a Xbox 360. As you may know, Xbox requires you to pay a subscription to play online. Paying money to play online still seems like a bit of a rort to me, although clearly most Xbox players take it for granted. Suppose it just seems like a feature that should be included with the console.

A free one-month trial of online play was included with the Xbox, but I’m having trouble convincing myself it’s worth continuing and shelling out actual money for Xbox Gold – and here’s my five reasons why. Feel free to convince me otherwise after you’ve read them!

Bear in mind I’m not deliberately trying to stir up you Xbox fans – it’s just not for me (so far, anyway).

xbox-red-ring-of-death#1: A button-mashing, clueless dork like me is no match for a hardcore gamer

When I turn on my Xbox, it’s usually very sporadic and for short periods of time. I like quick, fun gaming sessions. Whenever I play online, I seem to be matched up against spotty teenagers who’ve obviously got nothing better to do than blink mindlessly in front of their TV until they’ve perfected their skills. Or perhaps I’m in denial that I’m actually completely pants at videogames. Either way, the balance never seems quite right.

#2: If I want to organise fun with my mates, I’d rather see them at the pub than play videogames online

Organising proper gaming sessions requires you to plan ahead with mates, and I rarely know when I’m going to feel like playing games. Even if I turn on my Xbox and see mates online, they’re usually in the depths of some other game anyway. If I’m going out of my way to organise fun with some buddies, I’d rather it’s in person!

#3: The computer does a pretty sound job of thrashing my arse anyway

Granted, it’s not entirely the same, but the AI on most games I have is just fine – good enough to replace a human, anyway. Playing offline isn’t such a problem to me.

whiskey#4: For the price of a Xbox Gold membership, I could buy… a lot of alcohol

Some people clearly think the membership price is worth it (I think it’s $80/year). Personally, anything above $25-30 annually is pushing it for me. There is no way I feel that occasionally playing games online is worth $80. But here’s the interesting thing: if there was an a-la-carte “day pass” option to get 24 hours of online play for a couple of bucks, I’d probably use it. In fact, I’d probably end up spending well more than the $80 annual fee on day passes, even though I was thinking I’d save money! Why doesn’t Microsoft offer this? Give me more options!

#5 (and this is the big one): The life-affirming, joy-enducing, endless whirlwind of homophobia

Apparently Xbox Live has a bit of a reputation for homophobia, which I had no idea about. When I set up my account, I simply used my “I like beer, metal and dudes” bio in my profile. AND THEN IT BEGAN. Almost every game I’ve played online – even ridiculously non-aggro games like Uno – has resulted in an endless torrent of abusive messages sent to my inbox. It was baffling and hilarious at first, then slowly became a glum repetition of abuse every time I decided to play online. Remind me again why I want to pay for this privilege?

Sure, I could change my bio, but really – why should I? It’s not that provocative.

The only other opportunity I’m considering is actually going ahead and paying for a subscription, but rewriting my bio to the most concentrated homo paragraph of text possible, for maximum goading to every gay-hating dick out there on Xbox. So far I have: “My hobbies include worshipping Kylie Minogue’s aura, shitting rainbows,” but that’s as far as I’ve got. If I can complete the sentence, you may just see me back on Xbox again.

So, Xbox fans, convince me! Why should I pay for a subscription, given my reasons above?

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Why I Won’t Be Visiting Costco Any Time Soon

by Jeb on August 17, 2009

costco-melbourne-docklandsCostco opened for business in Melbourne today, like a lumbering elephant galloping into the world of Aussie retail. As far as I can tell, the store chain has melded together a supermarket, K-Mart, jewellery store and undertakers (seriously – they sell coffins) then injected everything with steroids. It sounds impossible to buy anything in a quantity of less than 100 (although I’m sure someone, somewhere, needs 500 Snuggly blankets all in one hit).

Costco’s newspaper advertising is loudly proclaiming that they’ve “landed in Oz”. The cringe-inducing use of the word “Oz” has me a little concerned that their marketing is being run forcefully by a US contingent of their management staff. Perhaps in future weeks we can look forward to BONZA BARGAINS DOWN UNDER!

There’s a big problem I have with the store, however. Paying $60 for a store membership is part of the deal, and that’s their business model – that’s fine. I’m sure you can make your money back quickly if you make a few big purchases.

What seems to be the fatal flaw is that you can’t enter the store without buying a membership, unless you happen to visit with someone who’s already a member (unless I’m completely misunderstanding their FAQs). Dictating this entry requirement on a store that’s a completely new concept on the Australian retail landscape seems a bit risky.

Surely it can’t be that difficult to accommodate a membership purchase at the checkout? I’d be much more likely to enter the store and buy… oh, I don’t know, a 10 litre bucket of Vegemite, if I could enter the store risk-free to browse. This is accentuated by the fact that Costco’s marketing doesn’t quite articulate all the products and departments that are available – again, perhaps a case of American management assuming a little too much of the Australian public.

Right now, though, $60 just feels like too much of a gamble to enter an unknown arena which may just disappoint me. We’ve all had that growing sense of bitter disappointment when we’re charged an expensive cover charge to what turns out to be a disgustingly dodgy nightclub… I’m having similar emotions here, but with a retail equivalent.

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Can’t Come to Work, I’m on Beard Leave

by Jeb on August 13, 2009

The Beards group photo01My goatee is something I’m rather fond of. Unfortunately, accidental facial hair makeovers are common in my life.

It could be my blindness in one eye, but whenever I step in front of the mirror, it seems I get a little overzealous when tidying up my whiskers. Usually, I misjudge my shaving and become convinced that my goatee has become lopsided. What begins as a small touch-up generally results in an accidental drastic trim.

Beards are something I’ve flirted with in the past, but I secretly enjoy my ongoing goatee-and-eyebrow-piercing tribute to the 90s. Seeing as I’m about to take a few weeks off work to recover from an operation, it seems like the perfect opportunity to grow a beard and do away with this imbalanced goatee problem completely.

After recounting my plans to Bruce recently, he informed me that there’s a technical term for such a process: taking a fortnight of “beard leave” from work. Fascinated, I demanded to know more, and he directed me to the band who came up with the term. It’s a band that’s changed my life overnight: The Beards.

the-beards-albumTapping into the highly neglected crowd of fur-face enthusiasts, The Beards are a ragtag band of Adelaide blokes who sing exclusively about how awesome beards are. This sounds awfully like a painful novelty act, but it turns out they’re bloody good. Their debut album features such corkers as “Who Told You to Shave Off Your Beard”, “A Wizard Needs a Beard” and the epic “Tale of the Amish Boy (and His Beard)” – and they’re all genuinely good, catchy rock songs!

There’s a Beards gig in Melbourne coming up in October, and I fear I may not be permitted to enter the hotel unless my beard’s of appropriate length by that stage, so I better get cracking with the hair lotion. In the meantime, we can look forward to the band’s upcoming single: “If Your Dad Doesn’t Have a Beard, You Have Two Mums” (I’m not joking).

The Beards Links:
Triple J Unearthed
iTunes
MySpace

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