I Can’t Believe I’m Not Bitter

by Jeb on May 17, 1999

Um, today’s subject line is totally irrelevant to anything I have to say. I’ve desperately been trying to think of something that involves both deep emotional feelings and margarine so I could use that subject line, but it’s not working. (How about this: Whenever I use margarine as a deodorant, it leaves me both oily and depressed that I’ve wasted margarine by doing something incredibly stupid. How’s that?)

Somebody I was talking to on the phone today told me snot tastes sweet when you eat it. We were discussing how well phlegm flavoured Chupa Chups would sell. (Personally, I’d look at introducing a hasish Chupa Chup before the phlegm Chupa Chup, but that’s just me). If snot tastes sweet, that surpises me because other bodily liquids like blood & bile are actually quite savoury, and go well with a side salad.

Is it not rather scary that McDonalds are a chief sponsor of the Olympics? Soon in the relay races they won’t be using a little stick, they’ll be passing boxes of McCookies and packs of Chicken Nuggets to each other. (And if you win the gold medal, you’ll get a crappy plastic toy from a Happy Meal. I have this mental image of Daniel Kowalski by the poolside, happily occupied pushing a Hamburglar figurine round in a tiny little plastic car).

Maybe we shouldn’t even have a stick in the relay races. Maybe we need…

Alternatives To Little Stick Things In The Sydney 2000 Olympics’ Relay Races:

* A cactus
* A scorpion
* Anything covered in superglue
* Anything white hot
* Anything securely shackled to your wrist
* A lit stick of TNT
* An anvil
* Your penis
* Someone else’s penis
* A stick shaped piece of margarine (hey! I got a margarine joke in!)

{ 0 comments }

That Lung You Just Coughed Up Into Your Lap is a Sure Sign

by Jeb on May 16, 1999

I had a few ciggers this weekend. Now normally, I don’t think you could classify me as a smoker, but it does feel comfortable sometimes having a cigger in my hand when I have a drink in the other. I should be careful though – I’ll have to watch out if I start smoking too much (I’m no doctor, but Cancer of the Cancer doesn’t sound like good news).

The day I keep losing lit butts down the hole in my windpipe; I’ve convinced myself that tobacco counts as a serving of vegetables; and after I sneeze, my hankie looks like a Dalmatian – that’ll be the day I stop the social smoking.

{ 0 comments }

I’m So Sorry My Dear, I Can’t Sleep With You. I Have a Hunchback

by Jeb on May 13, 1999

Today in a nearby shopping centre, a police band was providing some light entertainment during lunch. Except this was not your average police band. We’re talking a try hard guy on an electric guitar he didn’t dare to play a chord on, only single notes; a cheesy Casio keyboard, and a crapola electronic drum kit, with a bimbo pouty female as the singer. (I reckon they got all their instruments as re-possessed items that had been stolen). Seeing this woman strutting around pouting in her police uniform, I expected her to take off all her clothes any minute. The cheesy keyboard music and everything made her seem like one of those policewoman strippers.

The guy at my work with the NOB phone number saw Kate Langbroek of The Panel fame eating dinner last night. Because the NOB man is the high flying yuppie that he is, he wanted to go and join her table. Of course she turned him away. (This guy is serious yuppie material. If you could get Calvin Klein nose hair trimmers, he’d have them). He mentioned to me today that every time she’s on The Panel, she loves to make mention of the fact that she writes scripts for Neighbours. (Personally, not something I’d be proud of). Funny how she never mentions that she once appeared topless in that lovely serial drama Chances.

It’s funny, because a high school friend of mine has an uncle who did a guest spot in Chances. He was a hunchback man, and his sole line was “I’m so sorry my dear, I can’t sleep with you. I have a hunchback.” Damn, I missed that episode.

I’m sure you’ve seen the ads for those Gillette Mach 3 razors. You know the ones, with the 3 blades. “3 blades specially positioned to extend gradually closer to your beard”, the marketing sprouts forth. “3 blades to shave you progressively closer”. “3 blades with less need to reshave”. And as I found out today, 3 blades which give you 3 times a more painful shaving cut than normal. Splits your face into 3 easy pieces!

{ 0 comments }

I’m the Satanic Santa Claus, and I’m Here to Take Your Linen Away

by Jeb on May 12, 1999

It’s probably quite boring you reading about my work, but suffer. That’s what I’m going to talk about here. (Again).

Today I had a guy come in to the uni I work at. I went over to him to help him.
Me: Can I help you with anything?
Fruit Loop Man: I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SUPERMAN MEDICINE!
Me: I see.
Fruit Loop Man: THIS WILL GIVE YOU SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH!
Me: Will it make me fly?
Fruit Loop Man: Um, no. BUT IT WILL GIVE YOU SUPERHUMAN STRENGTH!
Me: Riiiiiight.
Fruit Loop Man: I DISCOVERED THIS ON A FARM IN 1978 AND I AM THE INVENTOR OF THE SUPERMAN MEDICINE! PEOPLE ARE SO NAIVE, WHY DON’T THEY BELIVE ME ?!
Me (thinking probably because you’re an absolute stick figure man): Well, we’re really not interested. Sorry.
Fruit Loop Man: POTATO SALAD!
Me: The exit’s over there.

Also at work today, we had a guy come in to take away the linen we have at the uni away for cleaning, but you should’ve seen this guy. He was like a really buggered up version of Santa Claus, the way he walked out swinging the linen over his shoulder in a giant red bag. To me, he looked like a walking example of why drugs in the workplace just don’t work.

Did you notice Channel 9 are currently showing repeats of The Price Is Right in the afternoons? I think that’s as lame as it gets – the Price is Right is bad enough, but repeats?! Haven’t we suffered enough?

Having said that, here is:

Things I Would Do If I Ever Was A Contestant On (The Now Sadly Demised) Price Is Right:

* Say “Let go of my fucking hand you moron!”
* Say “You’ve got sweaty palms”
* Enquire “Is that a wart?”
* Declare “Mmm, I like a man who doesn’t shave his palms”
* Announce “That model over there hasn’t waxed her bikini line”
* Wonder “Does that guy come with the vacuum fixtures?”
* Mutter “How much would I get for that at Cash Converters?”
* Murmur “3,, no… 2… no… … 3…no…. 3…no.. 2, oh sod it”
* Think hard, then announce “All right Larry, I’ll come back next week”
* Ask to buy a vowel
* While the theme music plays, suddenly look down the camera and say ‘I choose contestant number 3!’
* Suddenly exclaim, ‘Oh, Candid Camera! Ha, ha!’
* For no apparent reason scream ‘PHYSICAL CHALLENGE’
* Strut up and down then push Larry into the pool, a la Man O Man
* Say ‘I’ll take Darryl Somers from Hey Hey thanks Glen’
* Start humming the theme from ‘I Do, I Do’
* Ask where Ossie Ostrich went
* Say ‘Ha! You can get one of those for 50c in an op shop!’
* When someone else’s name gets called out, come on down anyway
* Ask to be read your rights
* Ask if you can have that in cash instead
* When you’re at the end facing off with another player, turn round and stab them so you win
* Ask to see a lawyer
* In the game where you use golf clubs to hit the ball in the hole, just turn around and go on a rampage whacking everyone and every technical item in sight
* In the playoff game when you have to guess the price, when the other contestant has narrowed it down to below $54 987 and above $54 985, say “ummmm…..$54 620.”
* Stumble off stage muttering “Sorry, thought it was Denise Drysdale’s show”
* When you’ve just won a TV set ask if you can take it home and try it out for a couple of weeks before you buy it
* Ask if they have EFTPOS
* When they show the item you’re bidding for, say ‘I can only afford $5’
* When they show the item you’re bidding for, put on that really fake face they all do when they’re trying to look excited about the complete set of ‘Tourist Guide To Colac’ videos that are somehow valued at $400
* At the start of the show crash into the studio with a shopping trolley looking for Ian Turpie and the miniature supermarket
* Say ‘Whammie’
* Remind Larry of his earlier game show attempt ‘The Main Event’ which is actually by some bizarre coincidence screening at 3.30am on Saturday morning
* Remind Larry of his show before ‘The Main Event’ that only lasted 3 episodes…. Family Double Dare
* Bring a placard protesting against the sacking of Baby John Burgess from Wheel Of Fortune

{ 0 comments }

Amusing But Environmentally Naughty

by Jeb on May 11, 1999

At work today, I had someone ringing me up about a certain uni course we offer. The only problem is we offer it at another campus to the one I work at, so I wasn’t able to supply this particular lady with any information – all I could offer was that she call the appropriate campus.

Ten minutes later she called me back again, with the same question. I repeated, that we hadn’t been given any detailed info on the course she was interested in. And repeated (kindly, through gritted teeth) could she PLEASE. TRY. CALLING. THE. APPROPRIATE. CAMPUS.

She rang again. And then again. And again. So I asked her finally if she would like me to fax her absolutely everything I knew on the course. She said “YES!!” So I faxed her a blank A4 sheet.

{ 0 comments }

Damn These Paper-Thin Walls to Hell!

by Jeb on May 10, 1999

At work right now, we’ve got a woman who normally works at another campus of the uni I work at. She’s over at our campus right now for training, because basically, she can’t touch a thing without stuffing it up. She’s a walking catastrophe and I’m scared to go near her because my shoelaces spontaneously undo themselves etc – she has that effect on things. I mean, just today, she TWICE walked past my computer and it spontaneously crashed! Plus she sneezed, and my disk drive stuffed up mysteriously. It’s going to be an interesting fortnight.

Also, we have to count the incoming money from the library of the uni I’m at every morning. There’s a float of a set amount, so basically you get the profit, plus the amount you had when you began with (the float). Well, something’s going wrong, because we always seem to consistently be 50 cents under every day. Ms Superiority at my work (resident bitch) is going bananas about it, screaming things like RAT IN THE RANKS! She reckons someone is stealing money. I mean come on, if I was going to steal money, it’d be more than fifty cents. So either there’s a small discrepency in someone’s banking records, or there’s a very guilty person out there who’s buying a very illegal Chupa Chup every day.

{ 0 comments }

Ganja Granny

by Jeb on May 8, 1999

You know how you have those moments where everything seems suddenly surreal – a ‘whatthefuck’ moment? I had one of those today.

I had to visit one of my mum’s older friends today to drop something off for her, and I walked into her loungeroom, and what is sitting in the centre of the mantlepiece but a bong. Initially I was taken aback, and didn’t really know what to make of it.. so I asked her what it was.

“Oh, it’s an ornament, I found it under my son’s bed after he left home. It’s lovely, isn’t it?” I just didn’t have the heart to tell her.. maybe I should’ve introduced her into the lucrative world of marijuana growing. That’d certainly liven up the retirement home. (Actually… now I think about it… it’d do the direct opposite).

{ 0 comments }

Hmm

by Jeb on April 29, 1999

Today at work, somehow, we managed to get onto the topic of conversation of who we all thought each other looked like. Somehow everyone managed to arrive at the conclusion that I look like Kurt Cobain. (Which I personally disagree with, but anyway). So then Ms. Superiority, resident bitch at work, had to pipe up and say “Yeh, Kurt Cobain, after he shot himself! Bwahahahahahhahhahaha!” Hrm.

{ 0 comments }

Soggy Escalators of Doom

by Jeb on April 28, 1999

Yesterday, as I was catching the escalator out of the train station near my work, I noticed quite a disturbance ahead of me. People ahead of me on the escalator were suddenly reversing their direction and hurrying back down the escalators the wrong way, with looks of terror on their face. And why? Well, it seems a pipe had sprung a leak – right above the escalators. It was funny, because you couldn’t see the cascading waterfall right until you got near the top. So I just jumped through it anyway. It made going to work like being on a theme park ride. (Although, having said that, I wouldn’t necessarily spend money to go and ride an attraction called Soggy Escalators of Doom).

I overheard some workmen talking about the problem, assessing the situation. They were obviously very well trained.

Workman with Suspiciously Stained Grubby Shirt: Gee. That’s a lot of water.
Workman with More than the Acceptable Public Viewing Standard of Bum Crack: Yup.
Workman with Suspiciously Stained Grubby Shirt: It’s very…. clear water. Not dirty at all.
Workman with More than the Acceptable Public Viewing Standard of Bum Crack: Yup. Very clear.
Workman with Suspiciously Stained Grubby Shirt: Gee, there’s a lot of it.
Workman with More than the Acceptable Public Viewing Standard of Bum Crack: Mmm, lots.
Workman with Suspiciously Stained Grubby Shirt: Wanna go to Hungry Jacks?
Workman with More than the Acceptable Public Viewing Standard of Bum Crack: …………. yup.

If you’re not fortunate enough to live in Melbourne, there’s a shopping centre here, Melbourne Central, which features a giant class cone at the top of the building as its centrepiece. I remember when Melbourne Central first opened, it used to be called the Magic Cone. (I suspect the architects were the ones on the Magic Cones, but anyway). When the shopping centre first opened, the Cone kept leaking. Sounds like a bad medical condition, doesn’t it – Leaky Cone.

I’ve started to collect crap CD’s from Cash Converters to use as coasters. My first acqusition: Full Frontal The Album.

Instructions on a packet of soap I bought today (yes, I wash!): “Use like regular soap”. ……… and that would be how?

{ 0 comments }

DJ Wobbly

by Jeb on April 26, 1999

Today I went to the milk bar near my work to get some milk for the office. I had to ask for a receipt, because it was being paid for by my work. When I asked for a receipt, the horribly scary woman behind the counter goes “Oh but only because you’re such a sweetie”. So I said, “Yeh, that’s what my boyfriend says all the time.” It was worth it for the look on her face.

Some days at work I just feel like I’m dead all morning. I need cola of some sort to wake me up at that time of day. Unfortunately to me there’s something a little bit not right about Coke for breakfast tho, so I have to wait until the Cola Buffer Zone of 11am has passed. Sometimes I’m really hanging on for the buffer zone to pass.

Speaking of breakfast. A girl at work had tomato soup for breakfast this morning. Stomach of steel.

A girl at my work is violently against mobile phones. Today:

Mobile Phone Hating Woman: “Why should I get a mobile? Every bloody time someone rings me the topic of conversation will be Where Are You?!’

A guy at my work pulled up at the traffic lights this morning on his way to work and who was in the car next to him but Red Symons. My workmate said Red sort of gave him a “Oh, Look at me, I’m Red Symons, look at me” sort of look. So my workmate just looked at him like he had an enormous goober hanging out of his nose. (I find that technique works well on people, but they tend to do it back to me, and that’s usually because I actually do have an enormous booger hanging out of my nose).

Me and a workmate, on our lunch break, walked past an old guy busking with his saxophone today. He seemed to be doing this really cool vibrato effect with his sax, which I commented on to my friend. I then felt horrible as my workmate pointed out it wasn’t a vibrato effect – the guy was just a bit shaky.

I say record his sax behind a dance beat, record a novelty single under a name like DJ Wobbly, throw in the marketing machine of a major record company, and you’ve got quite a lucrative one-hit-wonder deal on your hands.

{ 0 comments }

Page 53 of 56« First...47484950515253545556