There’s Too Much Dairy in Here

by Jeb on April 25, 1999

A small coffee incident today. In my office that I work in, we take it in turns to go and buy the coffee for morning tea. It was my turn this morning, and everyone wanted me to go to this new place across the road that specialises in making lasagna. So I bought about 6 coffees, and they loaded them up for me in a lasagne tray, which was basically made of something barely stronger than aluminium foil. When I arrived back in the office, the tray split and I became Jeb Latte. And even when I went back to get some more, one girl in the office complained her coffee had “too much dairy” in it. ?!

I overheard a student at my work say this today, to another student who was asking me for change from the cash register: “You know, when the GST comes in, I think you get charged GST, even if you’re just getting change – because that’s a service, isn’t it?”

Students are odd. Somehow they’ve managed to steal 40 toilet rolls from a single bathroom *in one day*. I don’t really want to know what they’re doing it – I mean, toilet rolls aren’t going to become the power currency of the new millenium or anything.

We had a repairman come in to the office today. He was repairing a photocopier which sits right near my desk. I wouldn’t normally complain but he had no control whatsoever over his flatulence. I’m not going to name any companies here but needless to say, he was a stinker.

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I Thought You’d Combed it or Something

by Jeb on April 24, 1999

Yesterday:

Me: Hey, your hair looks different. Did you do something to it?
Extremely vague female friend: Yes, I made it look different.

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Cox in Bottams

by Jeb on April 22, 1999

At my work (a university) right now, it’s time for students to hand in mid semester essays and do mid semester exams. Since I quit university last year, I’d completely forgotten how clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page essay until I saw some of the students hand in their efforts.

I also had to help out in one of the classes today. There was a practical workshop going on, and students were being divided up into groups, and each group was headed by a student. After we’d read out who had been allocated to which group, there were some people left out, who we had to allocate. One guy had the last name Cox, and as we were reading out who was allocated to each group (eg: “Wilson will be in Culley’s group,”; “Anderson will be in Klemson’s group”) I made the unfortunate mistake of calling out “Cox will be in Bottams’ group”. (Say it out loud, and you’ll realise why the two fellas involved went bright red).

I also supervised another night school exam this evening. (I really wish I could enter the room to the SNAP of a latex glove just to scare all the students… but I can’t). The poor first year students, they really don’t have any idea. Do they really think they’re going to score any extra credit by colouring in the centre of every e, o, p, q, d and b in different jaunty colours on the cover of their exam?

I say, don’t worry about your exams. Unless the guy you’re copying from just shot himself. Ah, but seriously, if you’re a first year uni student, you should enjoy it, because it will be the best three years of your life.

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If It’s a Boy, I’ll Name Him Robb

by Jeb on April 21, 1999

As predicted, I ate a chicken foccacia with ice cream and tobasco sauce for lunch today.

I made the mistake of watching Entertainment Tonight today, and got all sorts of information I didn’t want to know, like how Pamela Anderson has gotten her breast implants removed. (If you missed it today, don’t worry – it’s a two part special so you can catch the rest of Pamela’s “pain, terror and torment” tomorrow). I also saw Richard Wilkins and screamed in terror.

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Microsoft Salvation Army Office 99

by Jeb on April 20, 1999

I saw Bill Gates on the news tonight demonstrating his new mouse product. (Yes, the state of commercial news broadcasts is sad when a new Microsoft product counts as headline news). I was talking with a friend on the phone this evening about how Bill Gates is saying he’s going to donate 90% of his profits to charities when he retires.

This got us thinking. Theoretically, the charities could almost claim ownership on part of Microsoft. So maybe it won’t be long before we start seeing products like Microsoft World Vision Internet Explorer 6.

I’m sick today. We had some dodgy pizza last night (I didn’t really want to… but we did). I think it affected me. I had stomach cramps which got progressively worse, I had this odd metallic taste in my mouth, and I’m craving weird food.

Hang on. I’m not sick – I’m pregnant! (Well, perhaps not. I guess I’ll find out for sure depending on if I eat a chicken foccacia with ice cream and tobasco sauce for lunch tomorrow or not).

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No Wonder I Haven’t Been Promoted Yet

by Jeb on April 19, 1999

When I say things like this, it’s no wonder I’m not getting any higher than my current position at work:

Ms Superiority (resident office bitch): *trips over chair and goes hurtling, limbs flailing*
Me: Well, I’ll give you a 9 for style.
Ms Superiority (resident office bitch): *dark, evil, steaming glare*

But Ms Superiority isn’t the biggest bitch at work. Ohhh, no. most definitely not. There’s a woman who vists our office now and then, who normally works at the head office. I call her the Superbitch. She orders us around all day, then tries so hard to attempt to look busy and flustered, but I walk past her office and I can see her computer in the reflection of the glass behind her – she just plays Solitaire all day.

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Piss of Death

by Jeb on April 17, 1999

I had a really shit scary dream last night. It’s been a very long time since I had a nightmare that seriously scared me, but I had one last night.

Basically, some bombers came to Melbourne and completely destroyed the place with these giant yellow rays. It suspiciously looked like urine flying everywhere. Hmm. I thought I’d look this dream up in my Dream Dictionary – I don’t know about you, but I believe heavily in dream interpretation. It’s interesting, anyway.

According to my Dream Dictionary, the dream I had last night means there’s a “threat to my way of life which you can avert by judicious action”. (Which actually makes a bit of sense right now). I dunno. I just thought it was a shit scary dream.

Maybe we need a new category of dreams. These dreams are the direct opposite of wet dreams – maybe we should call them brown dreams, because I know I almost shat myself.

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When Merchandising Goes Too Far

by Jeb on April 16, 1999

Stupid Products That Really Exist #4052: a snowboard with this year’s AFL fixtures on it. As witnessed in Target by myself.

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It’s Snot Funny

by Jeb on April 15, 1999

I’m writing this entry while I am supervising another night school exam at my work (a uni). I feel like a bit of a dill, because I suspected that 2 guys down the back of the room were copying each others’ work. I’d been giving them stern looks all evening (ah, power…) I thought I’d go one step further and stroll down towards the back of the room, doing my best attempt at an imposing and aggressive face. I sorta looked like a dickhead though, because when I got there I realised they were 2 rows apart.

Also, when I was strolling around the room further into the exam, this woman (who I at first thought was this blobby thing with a head and 4 limbs stuck to it) turned around and winked at me. I desperately hope the 2 incidents aren’t connected.

I’ve noticed that the first person to leave an exam room seems to be the most bimbo/himbo person in the room. The last person is always some old guy with an incredibly flushed face who’s yet to grasp the concept of personal hygine. You can always pick which student will be the first to leave the exam room – it’s the student who gets an oh-my-god-my-exam-just-turned-into-a-giant-turd look on their face as soon as they start reading the exam questions.

I had a guy in this evening’s exam who changed his desk 3 times because he said the other ones squeaked too much. The desks probably wouldn’t have squeaked so much if he would have stopped masturbating underneath them. (Oh, alright. That last bit isn’t true).

A guy at my work has just moved into a new home, and today I heard him on the phone to Telstra demanding his phone number be changed, because his new phone number has ’666′ in it. They gave him a new phone number, so me and a mate had a bit of fun with it. You see, my mate has this program he downloaded off the net, which looks at your phone number and checks what words can be incorporated into it. Eg: The phone number ’9481 2337′ can become the phone number ’9481 BEER’, because the letter B corresponds to the number 2 on your phone keypad, the letter E corresponds to the number 3, and the letter R corresponds to the number 7. (If you’re confused, check your phone keypad). Anyway – it turns out that the numbers ’662′ are in this guy’s new phone number, and out of these numbers you can make the word ‘NOB’. Which couldn’t be more appropriate, considering what this guy is like.

In the office I work in, we throw stationery items at each other when we’re pissed off – the larger the object, the more pissed off we are. Here’s a general guide to what we’re thinking and what we throw at each other:
‘You idiot’ – a paperclip.
‘Wanker’ – a pen.
‘That wasn’t funny’ – a ruler.
‘May the wrath of Satan have vegeance on your weak, pitiful soul’ – a brick.

In an exam I supervised Thursday night, I noticed one of the girls in the room was crying her eyes out. I guess she hadn’t studied or something. All the students have to get their exams signed by the superviser as they leave the room. The crying girl had managed to get her emotions in order when I signed her exam for her, but then a big glob of snot flew out her nose and landed on my signiture – which set off the waterworks again…

If you don’t live in Melbourne, you may not be aware of the proposed “Grollo Tower”, which was to be the tallest tower in the world. There’s been a lot of opposition to it, mainly because of the giant shadow it would cast, but it’s just been announced the tower is no longer going to be built. It was shaped like a really skinny, tall pyramid with the pointy bit cut off. So it really made me wonder when I overheard a co-worker say they were “glad the tower won’t be built because it looked like a giant penis”. If that’s his idea of the appearance of the male genitalia, I sure as hell don’t want to see what his looks like.

Did anyone else watch that crap Who Wants To Be A Millionaire show on Wednesday night? The excess theatrics really made me laugh. Sure, you might be winning thousands of dollars with every correct answer, but when you’re getting asked questions as pissweak as (read in ominous voice with oh-so-suspensful music in the background) “Telstra is one of Australia’s main telephone service carriers. What is the other?” I personally wouldn’t be mopping my brow and pretending to poo myself like these contestants (actors? *cough*) are.

Conversation I had with an American tourist who was asking for directions today:

Me: Some people say that Melbourne is like New York without the crime.
US Tourist: Well, where’s the fun in that, then?

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You Think You Know Someone…

by Jeb on April 13, 1999

I got off from supervising an exam this evening at my work, although I still had to work a little later than usual. It’s my sole purpose for living at the moment.

I visited the Body Shop on my lunch break today to be confronted with something that haunted me all day. I saw a product known only as Nipple Cream. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT IT!

A repair guy came in today to fix up a broken elevator near the office I work in. He was working on the premise of audio therapy, where he screams obsceneties at the elevator to make it work again. It’s prone to going to a different floor than the one you select, or not even going anywhere at all. So I was quite surprised when he yelled out at the top of his voice ‘YA STUPID POOFTER!’ to the elevator.

See, I always knew the elevator was stupid, but I had no idea it was homosexual. Silly me. We had a gay elevator all along… it sort of makes sense now. It always seemed to only play bad techno music from its speakers, and the pink-ish colour scheme is rather sus.

I’ve got a feeling the escalator at my train station might be bi. I’m told it goes both ways, anyway.

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